Christmas 2006: Seasons Of Love

Sigh, I am so into Jesse Martin that he is in my Xmas 2006 Ecard. How sad am I? Maybe by some miracle he will find my blog and write to me...haha. Yeah, right.

Jesse.

I'm sure everyone must already know who this guy is. I am sure he is famous yada yada and I am way behind.

I'd seen him before. But it never sank in. Even on Ally Mcbeal, I thought ok, he is different. Then I watched him in the movies in 2005 in Noo Yawk.

The movie was Rent.

And like the time when I watched the stage version in 2000, I sat there alone and crying. By 2005, the concept of HIV and AIDs had hit home. I left the theater feeling, as I did at the Nedelander Theater in 41st St, like I was hit with something. But this time it resonated more.

Anyhow, this guy was part of the ensemble and I was watching the movie as an ensemble performance. So again it didn't sink in.

Then I watched him again on DVD. Oboy. I started noticing details in performances. Voice quality, star potential etc.

I believe he may be headed towards something great. If he gets the Marvin Gaye movie he is hoping to do in 2007, it will be a breakthrough film for him. No doubt. Like Ray for that irritating ugly oversexed other man who thinks he is a singer. It will complete the trilogy of movies on Black icons: Ray, Dreamgirls and now Sexual Healing.

This guy's talent is overflowing. His voice is amazing. He is one African American that I will say, Yes, very good looking and transcends racial boundaries. And he has such fantastic complexion! Hurray for men who aren't afraid of skin care!

And as usual, when I get curious, I research and snoop. He has a rep for being fan friendly (but sincerely unlike Tom Cruise), and generally a soft soul who is yearning love above all else. At 37 he hasn't felt it. Which oddly enough was part of the character notes he got during the '94 workshop for Rent. But then again, in Rent, his character ended up falling in love with a HIV stricken transvestite street drummer with a heart of gold. I'm not sure that his character was written to be totally gay. But love can happen anywhere, anytime with anyone eh?

In an interview about the movie, he was asked whether some people, esp in the Bible Belt were ready for a movie that shows two men holding hands (actually they did more than that). His response began very PC, then he said he cannot fathom anyone who would see that as unusual. Interesting perspective.

If you can get your hands on the Rent DVD get it. Watch it. ELApt3L, JRV, I will bring it back with me. So you can watch that.

I wanted to meet at least one of the cast members of Sex and the City and I finally did. I wonder if this too will happen... After all, he lives in New York, and works on Law and Order...so, anything is possible right? It is New York....

His name: Jesse L Martin. Remember it.

How I Want To Be Remembered...

My XXth Bday Afterthoughts

We live our lives with complications. Situations. Circumstances. Compelled to entertain many thoughts to juggle what we think we need to make this life work.

I was told that in yoga, a person's true goal is to have singular thoughts. To be self aware, even of the basic act of breathing. I suppose part of the call to action is to edit one's life. To bring it down to basics and to communicate in abbreviations.

Small words, short sentences, simple messages.

I started out writing another long chapter. Instead, I share the conclusions.

It was a great day today. Spent with very important people, in a most meaningful way.
I was blessed by the goodwill that started coming in right after midnight.
Our shared paths may not have been perfect. That does not erase the gratitude. Nor the fact that, perhaps consciously or unconsciously you have helped shape me.

Working on a better XXth year of life.

Live Fierce.

My first Just a Thought of my XXth Year of Life: What I Know For Sure

One thing is certain, I am another year older. Am I another year wiser?

My first visit to New York I believe, was in 2000. Someone who had offered his place to crash in bailed on me somewhat at the last minute because of a date with a (then) trick. That event became infamously known as 'the night I was dumped into the rain in Times Square' and the guy 'Mr Times Square'. How Sex and the City can you get, when you start naming your bad experiences. I can be so Carrie sometimes.

The shock and the self pity stayed for a long time, as I could not imagine why anyone would be that cruel.

Eventually, we got ourselves sorted, and resumed a friendship. That friend later told me if the table was reversed, he would have never been in that situation. But if he was, he would have just gotten a hotel room. I was flabbergasted at how blase he could be. Of course he could afford New York. He was this wannabe politician type who had gotten a lot of press and was obviously earning more than enough from taxpayers money to blow over USD 200 on lunch. My response then was the fact that to me New York was beyond expensive when it came to hotels, and that I could not have afforded it. And the opportunity cost of staying in a hotel versus shopping at Century 21; OY. Ok bad joke.

At the time I was totally appalled that he didn't even see how miserable he made me. How he took my faith in people and stomped all over it. How he put me in a compromising situation.

Then in the summer of 2005, I got it.

It was not him. It was me. I put myself in that situation. Was he a miserable ass for bailing on me for a trick? Yes. Was he responsible for my misery? No. Truth is, all the other stuff about not being able to afford the hotels, while true in the sense that my bank account would have zipped to double digits very quickly, were well, excuses. I had no business being in New York if I could not figure out a way to sustain myself in that city on my own. Having supportive friends is an appreciated luxury. But like all luxuries, it is not an entitlement but a privilege. And you can't demand it. Such kindness is borrowed, and you must be humbled at being allowed to receive it.

I finally saw what he was getting at. He would have never been in that situation because he would have not depended on anyone for something as crucial as a roof over his head. And if the first trigger was not going to happen, any future drama would have subsequently been avoided. Again, could he have been kinder and maybe clued me in earlier? Sure. Should I have depended on him completely? No.

The world is full of unfair events and cruel people even if you want to believe in the best in humanity. It is just plain naive to believe that people would always have your interests and safety at heart. People are just not built to be infallible. And yet, you can still try to avoid experiencing that side of human beings just by making choices that honor and protect you.

I guess I've always felt that if you are good to people, they would be equally good to you. Now I am starting to think, you should be good to people, and be better to yourself.

I was watching a repeat episode of Oprah, which had cancer survivor Melissa Etheridge (I've included the song she sang on the show which made people cry) and a few other inspirational people as guests. What was amazing to me was that Oprah openly talked about Melissa's female partner like it was nothing special. What was special was her determination to survive her ailment and her drive to inspire others. Commonality. Through hardship.

Then a young man named Kyle Maynard came on. Walking on stage without arms or legs, he was simply a personification of shame for those who live believing in the impossibilities and who were held back by the voices that say 'No' and 'Can't'. He wrote a book called No Excuses.

His message was short, succinct. He didn't see his life as a never-ending chain of battles. He just saw what he needed to do, and the stuff in between was just a means to an end.

I thought to myself, I had to get the book. I was already inspired in a way that his words spoke directly to my heart. And I wanted something concrete to keep in my home to hopefully keep the message alive. I had a 30% discount coupon with Borders, so the timing could not be more perfect.

I made my way down to the bookstore. I picked up the book. Read a few pages. A few words kept being repeated: wrestling, coach, football. Hmm. Certainly a differently lifestyle from mine. And then the clincher: He was proud of the armed forces for bringing light to the Middle East, to people who were desperate for hope. Er. Yeah. Check out the opinion polls on the ground buddy.

Ok so his political slant was a little screwy and he sounded like a Republican. Nevertheless his message was still real.

But I realized that I didn't need to buy a book to get his message or to keep it alive. I didn't need to hear of his life story and how he got to his message to get it. My life story and how I shape it and get to the same message was more important. I decided to treat myself better.

I dropped the book and bought Jamie Oliver's cookbook instead. I figured at least with that book, I can learn recipes to help make me a more self aware cook!

At the end of my XXth year of life, and moving to my XXth year of life, I am more and more feeling something firming up inside. A self awareness that has eluded me for a long time. I know Life is an unending journey but there is comfort to know that within that, you can find some security.

Security to me is being able to depend on myself. To find self sufficiency in every form. With no need to account for how I live to anyone else. With having No Excuses.

I used to cry when I felt that people have forgotten my birthday, or not prioritize it the way I felt about it: that it should be a day to rejoice and give thanks. The way I try to do for them. I love birthdays and love the ceremonies attached to them. But in the past, I felt disappointment when friends and family postponed celebrations to suit their schedules, or some even forgetting outright, even though I would plan stuff for theirs. My family doesn't think birthdays are a big deal and I suppose I am supposed to be like that. I can't. I am sentimental...sue me.

But now I see that if my birthday does not get celebrated the way I hoped with people, I can't use others as excuses. And with no excuses, there is no more external blame. Everyone has different lives and priorities. And I should be able to make my own birthday my day to remain happy, celebrate and give thanks for another year of life. And I should be able to enjoy the day without expecting it to be 'perfect' and to accept it as it is, rather than as how it should have been. More and more I realize I do enjoy my own company. I am happy that I have been blessed enough to be able to afford a few luxuries. I am not rich but I can certainly treat myself better and to a few nice things. When you realize you can get yourself gifts, anything you do get from others is just a sign of their love and goodwill for the material value is superseded by the one that cannot be measured. And that, as the Mastercard ad says, is priceless.

Anyway, it is my birthday today, and anything from anyone is just a bonus. It will still be a great day regardless. I will buy myself that nice limited edition M.A.Couture collection gift. And go for that nice spa treatment. And have that nice dinner. Heck even that nice birthday cake from the Pan Pacific hotel bakery if I want it. Does that sound pathetic? For me it isn't.

It is so liberating to know YOU can and should make YOU happy. No Excuses. No Blame. Now that's a reason to celebrate.

burrrp.
______________________________

(Ps: Age does seem to be working for me...a gym trainer got shocked that I have the 'Dick Lee Syndrome' (aka looking 30 when he is 50... and no I am not 50). A Bobbi Brown counter girl told me that her colleagues rushed to her after I left and asked 'who the hot guy was'. An old man waiting for his turn at the post office told the counter girl that I looked like a star and that I was polite to boot. A white A&F model type was so digging me at Borders this evening (think: look at book, look up smile, look at book, look up smile, ignore Eastern European friend standing beside you)...awww...pity I was just looking for a book. Sigh...so nice to able to be still, happy by self, and yet admired...Ok I have to work on the ego haha)

The Things I Do

I seem to have the luxury of time on my hands these days. Not because I don't have a life or anything to do. My time is no longer responsive to other people's schedules. Which again is a luxury.

It is something I understand to be precious. I don't take it lightly. Having this time however gives me the opportunity to assess and examine my life and directions.

I always wonder if I have used my life wisely. Are there things to be proud of? Achievements...goals met etc. Being a person who keeps looking forward after accomplishing something, it is hard for me to sit back and bask in the glow of that.

For example, it took my friend in London to show me what I had done in Korea. He was absolutely beaming, and in a very uncharacteristically emotional act, he expressed how proud he was of me.

He was talking about the book that got printed. I had always seen it as something that should have been executed better. But clients always want it their way. It didn't turn out bad, but it didn't turn out how I wanted it. But my friend showed me how to appreciate the fact that something I had planned, came to fruition.

I guess not all of us are lucky that way all the time. Even as I had things I could chalk up to experience or portfolio, other things were disasters.

Between the midyears of 2005 and 2006, I allowed myself to become something I could not bear to see the reflection of. And if there is a light at the end of that, it is the acknowledgment of my accountability and remorse.

Life can throw curve balls at you, and present situations that can lead you down paths you never thought you could tread. I used to think that walking down those roads meant that you are just giving in to your weaknesses. I am starting to see taking those routes may be simply an opportunity to learn more about yourself, and to learn the concept of forgiveness. It is also a chance to get back on course stronger than ever before.

I have loved the projects I have done so far. There is so much to learn, and yet also so much of what I already know to reaffirm. Someone once told me that I was more creative that he was, because I can apply myself to many industries. Probably true that I can do that. But the past two years have reaffirmed my love for all things beautiful, the immediacy of television and the power of the media. And most certainly my place in it.

I remember what my TV trainer called me: a trailblazer. I saw the pride in the eyes of my bosses, even as we managed a love hate relationship. I hate authority that controls my creativity, they love my creativity. Seeking a higher purpose means to look for projects that would make them proud. I must now seek success so that they can say to themselves, "I wasn't wrong about him."

A Renaissance led by Divinity. That is what I want. And fingers crossed, God willing, 2007 would be the year. I cannot go back to New York on anyone's terms by my own. Much like how I cannot go back to television on anyone else's terms.

I have something to offer. I need to do this. I have a voice and I want to be heard.

I am Shah.

Tod Seisser, Predestined Conclusions, Unfulfilled Dreams

So the haze has hit Singapore. And everyone is just sick. Thanks Indonesia. Crap country.

I have not written in a while. Not here at least. Watching the news daily has made my writings negative according to friends. They say that it has been a while since they have heard anything positive. Much of course were about US foreign policy. I realize that it is not something I can control or influence, unlike the Americans people who let their president do as he pleases. It is a waste of emotions and energy over things you can't control. And letting go is the most charitable thing you can do for your sanity. So I have stopped fretting about how stupid the world has become, and take heart in knowing things will have their own predestined conclusions.

I guess the same can be said about Tod and I. The past few months have been about healing, and research. I am a magnet for bisexual, confused, supposedly straight men. So I used it to my advantage. And the last one who came my way, a DC man coming to live here with his wife and family, got the most forgiving brush off I could give him. It was novel that he wanted me to meet his wife and kids. It was not that his wife agreed with me about our views on human sexuality. Like most women, she is hanging in there for her own reasons. But even this would have its predestined conclusions.

Do I need to be part of that? Do I choose so? This time no. It would have been too easy to want to do the humane thing and help someone out. But I realize, hey, in that equation, I am the one that anyone else would not help out.

Like in the case of Tod Seisser. All the so called compassion he had for me at the end was self serving, exactly what I felt would have happend in a worst case scenario, right at the start. For no man who can cheat on a long term partner can and will do right by you.

Still I do think of him fondly sometimes. The other day I asked my ex what I saw in him. I looked at his pictures again, read our communications. And truth be told, he was not my 'ideal' and the communications were toxic. Nevertheless, he had something. He was a character.

For some people I can see their future, be it for work or otherwise. One day I had a dream I was looking at a picture I had of him. He looked liked he was in a coffin. Which is a scary thing. It was like I was transported to the future and I was in the temple to pay my last respects. I remembered feeling sorrow, thinking of what he has done in his life to make him proud. And how the more recent years, his life was filled with drama, conflict and unfulfilled dreams. I am sure he would scoff at this notion, but he is no different from the millions of men in the US who are gay and married. There is always an opportunity cost. A disconnect.

The funny thing though is that I just found out that my blogs on Tod are appearing in google. I never knew that was possible. Anyway it is not something anyone should be alarmed about. Who really cares about Tod Seisser anymore to google him?

It is like the haze in Singapore. It is toxic, it makes one sick. It is something no one needs.

fear. us. world. individual citizen. star wars.

A friend of mine told me that my emails of late have been negative.

I had not realized that. With many things that happen in the world, many of us turn the other cheek and choose a blind eye. My emails are always intended to encourage new thoughts, discourse and debate. I wrote without fear.

A few recent world events have dimmed the lights even more.

The US now has access to passenger details before any flight gets into US airspace. It was debated in the news media that this could lead to profiling. So if you have ordered a Moslem meal, the question is, would you then be detained based on your religion, or culinary preference?

The Canadian, Maher Arar case shows that 'extraordinary' rendition flouts international law, and infringes on human rights and civil liberties. It also shows anyone can be held without trial and legal counsel and be sent anywhere to be tortured without any real just cause. But the US has decided it is in their national interest to continue this practice.

The US had secret detention camps in Europe.

The Bush government has been legally allowed to carry out taps on private communications.

The controversy over head scarfs in the UK is really not about head scarfs or segregation from society. It screams of a lack of understanding, respect and intolerance. As I wrote to CNN, does a woman wearing a veil diminish YOUR quality of life? No. (nb: a lot of these women are actually wearing Louis Vuitton under their garb babe!)

So this is it.

This is the new world.

One shrouded in fear, where smaller nations are bullied and compliance is mandatory. One where people can have their lives destroyed for nothing. Will I be picked up and sent to Syria over my email communications or my choice of inflight meal? If I had visited the Middle East in the last 12 months, am I automatically a terror suspect? Will my desire to encourage discourse be seen as a threat to national security just because it challenges the status quo? Will my own country have enough clout to fight for my extradition back to home soil if that happens?

I know it seems laughable. But what is more ridiculous? Worries over what could happen to you when you travel or how the US is basically able to do whatever it wants to anyone around the world, all in the name of national security? Where do you draw the line and what does persecution of the innocent result in the war on terror? When do you stop using national security as an excuse for bad behavior?

We teach our kids to believe that one should never be afraid if one has done nothing wrong.

Clearly times have changed. Because even if you have done nothing wrong, you can still be subjected to torture, persecution and separation from family, friends and country.

I now wonder if I do want to live my productive years in the US. I wonder if it is worth it when the values the US claims to stand for, civil liberties, freedom, free speech and everything good about democracy is manipulated, changed and trampled on by the very country that promotes those values internationally.

On my very first visit to the US, I went to the Statue of Liberty. In my mind I exclaimed, 'Wow'. And I thought of the hope that was in the hearts of every immigrant that passed by it on the way to Ellis Island. They were going to be part of a country that supported the weak, and upheld the strong. These days, it just seems that the American government stomps on anything that is different from their way of life. And the weak get weaker.

An Australian boss of an airline that I know laughed over the US-EU passenger deal. He said they had no choice because non compliance could mean losing rights to land in the US. He said the US lives by one standard, and the rest of the world another. But when I said the American people are essentially good, he said yes, but they voted their President in.

I have been accused of American bashing. The correct way to say it is, I am a critic of American foreign policy. I love the people, the cities, the landscape..oh and DSW, Target and Century 21. Let's not forget The View, Best Buy, Oprah, HBO (USA), Ellen, Costco, the Met, MoMA, and Manhattan, Manhattan, Manhattan. :-) But I do think that this bullying is unhealthy.

Admittedly, some Americans have not appreciated my comments, some say that they know what I am saying is true, but they should not have to hear it from an outsider.

I used to think that fear was a waste of emotional space. After all we teach kids that there is nothing to fear but fear itself. But we never teach kids that sometimes bullies can not only instill fears, they can even actualize them.

In closing, let me quote a line from a movie.

In Star Wars Episode 3, Padme Amidala watched in horror as Chancellor Palpatine declared himself Emperor of a new republic, in the name of bolstering security. To which she said,"So this is how liberty dies...with thunderous applause."

This is reality today.

I have learned fear.

gay + married.

Hello

recently i met someone who was moving to singapore from DC with his wife and family. through our conversations, which was so candid i almost wanted to barf, he revealed that he came out to his wife in february that he is attracted to men. (yes. im a magnet) in what seemed to be a cathartic confessional for him, he let his life's details flow like a river. anything from when he first felt the impulses. to when he finally did it. his tastes in men. and how he is trying to reconcile his identity with his family life. stereotypically, his wife has chosen to go to counseling with him in a bid to save the marriage and understand him. she is truly, like many women i have read about in these situations, incredibly strong in character. she certainly does not need him, she works in a VERY high ranking US government position. so why stay?

eventually he revealed that he was going to write a book about it. ten pages have already been written. i knew he was going to do it from a first person account but i felt he was the wrong person to tell the story. coming to singapore, he is bent on exploring his gay side, and even though his wife is trying to cope with it, he will do it without her knowledge.

i didn't believe anyone who has not come to terms with his situation can write a book that is supposed to help others in a similar situation. also i felt that his purposes were self serving and not to be a beacon of hope.

we talked about co-authoring the book, and eventually produce a documentary about it. but seeing how he is handling it, he just wants his cake and eat it. you can't do a documentary or write a book with dishonesty as the spine.

women are enablers. they hope against hope that situations will change. they want to know that their lives have not been a lie and that their womanhood is strong enough to hold on to their men.

most of these men are past the 40 year old mark. for some reasons yet to be fully explored, more men are coming out in their later years. however i found this entry in an online support group, by a man in his mid 30s. i really felt for him. he seemed desperate. but i didnt respond until i read those from others.

i think the time will come when this gets explored and studied on a sociological level. it will be an important subject in the future. i would love to be part of that movement. human sexuality is complex but in the past before organized religion, it was not as defined as it is now. something shifted in modern times. labels were drawn. but it is clear that the male species is slowly reverting back to form. i have seen this in all my travels. i was shocked even in the muslim world, the blurring of the lines are happening under the table, far from judgement. i would still want to do a documentary pilot. and if you know anyone who is willing to talk on cam, i would appreciate it. counsellors/psychologists/sociologists who study human sexuality are also welcomed.

anyway, here is a sample of what one man is going through. and how others tried to help. my input is at the bottom.

________________________________________________

"Jon"
jds44215

I am a 36 year old man who has been married for 11 years with 2
great young kids. I have known my wife since freshman year of
college. She is a good person and a good mother. I have had gay
feelings since college and acting on them anonymously while single
and married. She has no idea.

Now,those feelings have grown stronger. Over the last 3 mos. I have
attended some gay events as well as become more involved in gay
issues. I have realized that the gay feelings are more than just
passing feelings. while I love my wife, I do not desire her.

My marriage hit rock bottom about 8 mos ago. It has been up and
down for the last few years but this is the worst. There is little
communication and no physical relationship for 6 mos. Recently, we
have even talked of separating and possibly divorce. Though, she is
willing to do anything to save the marriage.

I am not sure what to do. I could try to save the marriage which I
am unsure if it can be saved or if I want to save it. I think I
would be doing that for the kids. I have worried about the impact
of a divorce on the kids. I am even more worried about what a gay
life would mean for them.

Any thoughts? Any words of wisdom?


bob kadow
bkadow

Re: [Gay Married Men] Confused at 36

Yes, you should divorce...but, and I stress, do not tell your wife you are gay
or you stand a good chance of loosing the kids. When I got a divorce my wife
wanted it and I kept my mouth shut and let her.i had played around thru my whole
marriage. It was in the 50's when all nice guys got married and had families. As
a result I kept my kids close and over the years shared my bed with several men
in relationships. If they ever knew or guessed, it never came up or was
discussed. I lasted 10 years in my marriage.If you feel you have to come out to
the kids, wait until they are in their teens and can understand more and let
them know that you did not come out earlier to them for fear of your wife
stopping your chances of seeing them. Also, many woman question their alure if
confronted with the fact their husband likes men, and go thru a rough time with
a sense of lost idenity. I feel good about the fact I did not tell my wife I was
gay. Even today I have never opened up to my
kids, tho I am sure they know, it is just unspoken.

Good luck, Bob


William Smith
bjdelaware

Re: [Gay Married Men] Confused at 36

Hi Jon,

I don't want to add to your worries, but I have some additional things I
believe you should throw into the mix as you consider your future. Staying
married could turn out to be very difficult. A difficult marraige would
probably be a lot worse on your kids than a divorce handled with their best
intersts in mind. Someone helped me come to this realization. You would be a
far greater asset to your children if you are happy and content in your life,
regardless of what that may be, than you will if you try to force something that
isn't meant to be and are subsequently miserable because of it.

In todays world, it is highly likely that your kids would accept you for who
you are regardless. Please try to consider this along with all the other
possibilities you must consider.

Good luck to you,

Will
"martinclipper314"
martinclippe...

Re: Confused at 36

Just my opinion.

I think that living in a pressure cooker at 36 is way too young to
stand the heat for too long. Many men, for one reason or another,
reach that point at 50 or beyond, but at that age its seems easier to
deal with a situation like yours. I guess maturity goes a long way in
helping us control our impulses.

At your early age to condemn your wife to be a by stander and live a
sexless existence is awfully cruel, that is unless you devise some
sort of "arrangement" which both of you can live with.

Arrangements can take many forms like, "don't ask don't tell, each
doing your own thing on the side, each taking separate vacations once
a year, and so on and so on.

However, all "arrangements" have dangers. Getting emotionally
involved with another is just one. Falling into promiscous bahavior,
sexual addiction or catching a STD are just a few more drawbacks.

Just a caution. At a young age one fantasizes about gay life as being
the ultimate dream come true. Nonetheless if one hasn't toned up at
the gym, isn't masculine looking and is not ready for the free fall
once one becomes a regular at the gay bar, then one better think
things over very carefully.

Changing one's life at 35 is like the lotto, you can hit the jack pot
but the majority will be playing over and over again trying to hit it
big time.

Clipper

MY ENTRY:

Re: Confused at 36

Clipper,

"Just a caution. At a young age one fantasizes about gay life as being
> the ultimate dream come true. Nonetheless if one hasn't toned up at
> the gym, isn't masculine looking and is not ready for the free fall
> once one becomes a regular at the gay bar, then one better think
> things over very carefully. "

Is THIS what you think being gay is about??? You are displaying internal
homophobia. Gay life is like any other life with the difference being the preference to have sex
with men. Being gay should never change your core values. And if you are not one for the
bar scene being a so called straight person, being gay will certainly not change that.

Jon, do what is most compassionate for yourself. If you are unhappy, you are
useless to your wife and your family. You will unwittingly display traits that will pass
on the wrong message.

And please everyone, educate yourself. Being gay does not mean being more
promiscuous or out there as you would have been in your straight lives. As for the jackpot,
is that not what everyone wants here? And isnt the 'jackpot' the hardest to thing to get no
matter what you are? But if anyone here wants an assurance or guarantee, there is
none. Like in anything in life, changing your life may get compassion from those you love and
you may find a male life partner that is meant for YOU (check out McGreevey's life), or
it may all go south. Is it worth living a double life or being confused? You decide.

And PS. 36 is a good time to make that decision because you can still make a
difference in your life as well as that of your family's. Unlike some of these guys who chose
to confront this when they are 45 or 50, their wives may not be able to 'join the market'
anymore. Yours can. Is that more compassionate for her? You decide.

Ultimately, you have to decide. It will kill you to try to live both ways,
especially when you are so young. And when you KNOW you cannot run away from your insides.

"martinclipper314"
martinclippe...

Re: Confused at 36

If you've read my response CAREFULLY I never advised Jon to stay in
his marriage, I advised him that making an "arrangement" can be a way
out, although not perfect, but what in life is perfect, do you know
of anything?

I advised Jon about a middle ground because he mentioned that leaving
his son was destroying him. Only a father who loves his family knows
these feelings. Some men can't just walk out of a family without much
thought to it, caring a hoot about the collateral damage left behind,
like McGreevy did, is too darn cruel. Most men don't function like
that!

When marriges reach a level of CONSTANT MISERY then its time to
leave. However the levels of misery that you can take are only
determined by the person in question, not by us. Finding true
happiness after the fact can be tricky. This so called "Happiness"
garbage sounds more like the Clichés put out by Oprah and Dr. Phil.
Most people on this planet aren't that shallow and gulable. What is
happiness for one person is another person's misery, go figure. Is
living a Gay life a sure way of finding happiness?

Gay life is like anything else, however its much more youth oriented
with buff bodies a plus, AND YOU KNOW IT! Bars are basically meat
racks and once you've been seen several times you're a "has been"
unless you keep on moving from bar to bar. Novelty is very important.

Being masculine is a SUPER plus as you age in the gay world. Not
having it is hazerdous. A young Fem like twink can be cute to a
certain degree until cracks begin to appear on his face. Being
percieved as a Fem, like Richard Simmonds or Carson Kressley, when
old and not rich, is to be relegated to the jokes of the younger
crowd. Is it any wonder Fem guys become the clowns of the gay world
as they age? Its sad.

Its awfully mean to give guys past 35 the perception that they will
be hits once they leave a marriage, specially if not fit or percieved
as a bit fem. It "ain't easy" as they say in the Bronx, but life
isn't all rosey either, life is very COMPLEX!

Clipper

ME

Re: Confused at 36

hey clipper

thanks so much for responding. i really appreciate it. but again while some of
the things you said obviously have bearings, they are still stereotypes. it does seem that
gay life is youth oriented, at least in the US where advertizers focus mainly on age range
15-35 gay or straight, but that is what popular media wants
to see. youth sells. but if you go to say, a gay and lesbian center like the one in
downtown new york city, you will find there are gay professionals who lead regular lives who
are (GASP) past 30.

i dont think mcgreevey walked out not thinking of the collateral damage. but
even if that is what you chose to believe, the fact remains that he is now happier, found
love at (GASP) past 45 years of age with a (GASP) monogamous Aussie. his 13 year old still
loves him. his 1st ex wife accepts him and so does all the extended family members. the
only one perhaps is dina.

agreed the points you made about misery. disagree about what you said about
oprah. happiness according to her is possible, but yes it is YOUR definiton of
happiness. if you know in your heart what will make you complete, do it. as macgreevey has said,
the only fundamental difference between a relationship with his wives and his current
life partner, is that he is honest. and that makes him full. and happy.

more about gay stereotypes. of course everyone has seen the muscle boys, and
heard the stories of saunas and promiscuous sex and being single at 50 etc. is being buff
in the gay world bad? hmm. well, when you watch gay porn or pick up a magazine, do you try
to find a fat dude to get hot with? let's be honest. men are visual, sexual animals.
even when they are 50 or 60. and women, well, they arent. so since this is a group among
men, can we at least be honest about that? muscles is a plus. and one should despise an
entire community made up of men, who appreciate just that. as for other lifestyle
choices, they do exist. but they are choices. there are equally as many men who are not into
that. if you are not into anonymous sex (which i will venture a guess many of you have
tried), then go out and search out those who are not into that. will you be happily attached
till you die? like in any relationship there is no guarantee. as many of you have
already realized, your marriages did not prevent this from happening. were your marriages
guaranteed to keep you with someone for the rest of your lives? no.

you can choose. if you choose not to erm, be 'buff' that is your choice. but there will be others who share
your lifestyle. as for fem guys being the scum of both the gay and straight world. well yes
beauty fades,and some do get made fun of but that like many other reasons for conflict,
is based on ignorance.

you will find if you talk to them, these 'fem' twinks etc, and i dare assume you
haven't with your view on things, that they live pretty adjusted lives. a shop assistant in
scoop nyc once noticed me with my (unfortunately) gay + married date. and he offered me some onjective
insight into my 'relationship' that no one else has ever, gay bi or straight, been able
to give. and yes he is a flamer.

im not saying that twinks, queens etc have some extra powers of observations.
certainly it is individual based. but because it is so, you can't white wash it all and say
they are the butt of everyone's jokes when they get older. i am saying that everyone has
value. and just because you may perhaps see them as dolls waiting to lose their market
value with the cracks of time, doesn't negate their role in life and society. dont hate the
clinique loving queen.

your viewpoints actually seem burdened by the 'straight' view on things. i know
transexuals, fem boys etc and again i can tell you that they are well adjusted
people with jet setting and professional jobs. and they would kick your ass for the things
you said faster than you can say, FLYING SPIKED HEEL!

look clipper, the final thing is: gay life isn't just an american experience.
if you were to travel, you will realize that 36 is SO young. there are american men in Asia
who were straight but came here to work, and discovered that even in their 40's they are
not off the shelves. in fact many i spoke to are rediscovering, dare i say it, happiness.

as joeboot has said, it is not too late for the original writer to rediscove his
life. as macgreevey has said as well, it is better to live ONE life that is honest, than
two that is dishonest.

but again, that is up to the individual. what we have to do, is to be careful
not to disseminate gay stereotypes within our own community. yes that includes you
clipper, since it is safe to assume you fall into the category of MSM, men who have sex
with men. if you are already one of us, dont fight us.

bronx eh? well life may not not be easy there, but life isn't just about the
bronx. there is a bigger world out there not fettered by advertizing demographics and dangerous
adult cultivated stereotypes (which btw, are the reasons kids find it so hard to come
out). all i can say is, from my perspective, travel, and you will realize life isnt actually
half bad.

hugs to u.

9/11

i want you all to do something for yourself.

a recently completed documentary on 9/11, just prior to the 5th anniversary of the attacks, is making its run around the US. i think the producers failed to secure wider distribution channels. it is not on worldwide release. i can bet that countries like singapore will never hear of it or see it.

someone put this film on google video because he believed it was important that the message be shared.

i found it by accident when i was looking for pictures of the event on the anniversary of the attacks.

i urge you to watch this.

watch this.

watch this.

watch this.

there are many other films dedicated to the conspiracy behind 9/11. this one has the 4 Jersey girls as part of the narrative, the women who pressed for the 9/11 commission to happen.

download the google viewer coz its the only way to see the film other than getting to the theater or buying the dvd, spend the time to download the film.

understand how the american government has the blood of its own people on its hands.
learn how the concept of democracy is failing in the US under the current leadership.
assess whether there is a core similarity between the US president and any 'dictator' he is trying to destroy.
question the true intentions for the main thrusts of the current US foreign policy...who is it really benefitting?
what sort of nation is it that protects its leaders and not the people that voted them in?

then appreciate the power of 4 ordinary women who just wanted the truth. if there is anything great the US should stand for, it is that ordinary citizens can fight for the truth. they may fail. but at least they are allowed to try.

again:

the film:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1016720641536424083&q=911+press+for+truth

the full information about what actually happened and got reported:

http://complete911timeline.org

the film site:

http://www.911pressfortruth.com/

don't just cry for those sacrificed and murdered on 9/11. without knowledge of the truth, their deaths would have been in vain.

The Power of Cher

So what if she is an icon.

I was never really into her.

I did think her appearance on Will & Grace was hilarious. But more because of Jack....

Then I watched the censored version of her farewell concert on national TV. Yes censored...comments about queens in her audience didn't go down well with the censors here.

I thought it was so creative that when I got back to the US, I bought the DVD.

I watched a little of it again tonight. Then I realized that the whole thing could be summed up in one word:

Hot.

Audience: Hot hot hot. You got to respect an artiste if she can bring in that many hot bods in front of, and on the stage. And the odd thing is, even the older members were hot. Then again, she has a strong gay fan base. And we all know that gay people generally primp themselves more haha.

The final audience tally was made up of: gay men and women who defied the stereotype, straight men who were either comfortable with themselves or looking at the hot gay guy next to them, women who wonder why the men have better complexions, and the ultra fag hags who would lip sync every song like the best drag queen on the market. I jest of course...except for the bit about the straight men. When you think about it, it is so good that regardless of what you are, you can still be in a concert hall with people of different persuasions and still enjoy yourself. For two hours, prejudice didn't seem to exist.

Show: Extremely hot. Great staging, lighting, costumes...nothing could be faulted. Well, maybe the aerial acrobatics that was not as good as Madonna's concerts.

What was truly hot though was Cher's staying power.

For one thing, plastic surgery etc aside, she looked hot. And her youthful spirit was even hotter. She didn't look out of place performing for kids from 18 to 50 years old. Nor did she look out of place sharing the stage with dancers half her age at least.

There is a guy in Singapore called Dick Lee, a supposedly prolific singer songwriter whose current stage musical may actually hit Broadway by 2008. He turned up at his 50th birthday bash dressed as the Pope and got into a lot of trouble. If you were to look at him, he seriously does not look or act anywhere close to 50. His body is still fab, his face shows no signs, he talks in current lingo. And he is fabbbbuuulllouuusss in his designer clothes.

Not everyone is as lucky as he is. To be so current that he is still adored by people half his age and younger. To have his work still resonate with the audience. To still have a strong sense of being. I have seen so many ex VPs, CEOs, Consultants, Creative Directors etc that lost their sense of being after they left their titles. It is always dangerous for people to allow designations to define their lives. The titles bear no reflection upon their place in the world. I don't even think they felt down because they lost their jobs or were encouraged to move on. It was more because they felt that they had no value and that they lost their connection.

Value.

Today's world dictates that the one's value is tied to one's relevance to the world around them. To be in the know, to be on top of everything current. To constantly have a sharp mind. And to not be lost in whichever age group you are communicating with, especially those that fall within the main advertising demographics.

I talked to one guy who used to head a huge creative team. He was let go after gazillion years of service. He seemed to brighten up when he talked about his past glories and achievements. I am actually impressed by his body of work but at the same time, I sensed some sadness. Like he didn't know what was next. Like his age is now the number that will limit his opportunities.

I wonder though if it does end up as that for everyone: a numbers game. A fight between experience and youth. But then I look at the cases of some of the most successful businessmen, media personalities, industry experts etc and they all have the same internal progressive qualities. They never look back. It is always about staying in the moment, and moving on to the next thing. It is about the pursuit of goals and dreams and achievements, and not about money. It is always about what has not been done yet.

I realized that I don't want to look back and reminisce. The first sign of being irrelevant is when you start telling yourself, Oh I did that once or I remember when... Sure some day you would want to have a retrospective look at the body of achievements you have amassed. But that is probably closer to when you are going to die.

So I found my worst fear: to be irrelevant, and out of sync with society and youth culture. To be coasting. Out of touch. Voxless. To stop having the next thing to work on.

With no intention of being a drama queen, I think I would seriously take a knife and slice my wrists if I end up being irrelevant.

Why live when you are either coasting and waiting to die, or if you have stopped progressing and are dead inside already?

Think about it.

Lies

A self proclaimed non kosher Jewish ex-friend in NY once said:

"I am not pro-Israel but to the Israelis civilian deaths are casualties of war, whereas the Arab terrorists use civilians as human shields."

Thank you Fox News. Both parties have their stories, and their losses and grief. Both parties are to be blamed in one form or another and to be understood as well. We are all human, and the human condition seems to necessitate conflict and the fight for supremacy.

A UN mission declared that Israel was wrong to have destroyed civilian infrastructure and lives, especially as they have no clear connection to the Hezbollah.

If we can't trust the UN, and if Israel is allowed to defy a ceasefire, why do we need an organization like that or even bother with diplomacy and other peaceful methods of resolving conflict?

When the head of the Hezbollah a few days ago conceded that if he had known the kidnapping of two Israelis would cause a war and civilian casualties, he would not have allowed the kidnappings that was done to force the release of hundreds of Palestinians kept in captivity without trial. Israel was reported to have proclaimed that this was proof that they did the right thing. They felt justified for invading Lebanon and that they won the morality war.

But what is the right thing? That they killed so many innocent men, women and children to make a point that Israel is not an entity to screw around with? Is that what it takes to make a stand these days? That civilians are not just casualties of war, they are used not as human shields, but as punctuation marks at the end of the sentence: Don't mess with us ( ). A former US foreign policy advisor told CNN that it is getting evident that the US and Israel are slowly taking out Arab nations, block by block. That to these two powers this would ensure peace in the region. But at what cost? Must the world live in a monolithic system for it to make sense? Must Greece, Indonesia, Nepal, Brunei, Abu Dhabi learn how to speak ghetto, or say OY and learn how to rap and drink coke instead of water, and behave like the western world for them to be considered civilized?

Hitler took a stand in the 1940s by almost wiping out an entire race of people. That, an act which even the US took over two years to respond to, is WRONG. But is the show of power so important that generations after must suffer? Do two wrongs make a right?

A report on CNN had a reporter turn the camera and mike over to a young Lebanese boy, who was so excited to be able to try out his English and give the reporter a tour of his bombed home. His parents seemed traumatized. The boy on the other hand, skipped and jumped through rubble to show the reporter his Looney Tunes stuffed toy that was buried under rocks, before he finally showed the man the view from his room, through what used to be a wall.

He could not comprehend the true meaning of what he saw. Miles and miles of devastation. He is just a child who wanted to play.

The CNN reporter did a great service. Because media and communication lines have been cut in Lebanon, and the email feedback the CNN site has been getting have largely been from Israelis and other affected Westerners. Not the Lebanese civilians.

I think that the leaders of the modern world are failing our kids. They have stopped looking at the faces of their children and have failed to realize they are creating a world of fear and uncertainty and a new generation of people breast fed on hate. They are all seeking temporary and short term gains...like oil. And they do so by bullying and killing.

My response to that is at the bottom. But first, I would like to dedicate it to:

The Israelis who killed over 1000 mostly civilians
The Hezbollah that killed over 100 mostly military personnel
(both reported in the Singapore daily yesterday)
The Al Qaeda that has made air travel a living nightmare, bunch of jack!@#es.
The North Koreans who rather have their people starve in a drought than give up their costly nuclear program
The American President who consistently pushes his agenda without any moral and ethical authority, especially if it would support his friends and family...(anyone wonder why he pushed for 7 billion dollars from Congress to develop an Avian flu vaccine...does anyone know his cousin is the head of a pharmaceutical company? Does it take a professor to see the connection?)
The mothers of children who died in the Iraq War and who still grapple with the question, WHY
The nuts in Afghanistan who kill their own people just because they are not from the same branch of Islam
The minority Muslims whose acts have caused others to profile all Muslims to be terrorist first, human beings second
The children who die from gun violence in the US
The Cambodian and Sri Lankan authorities who turn a blind eye to child trafficking and prostitution
Kofi Annan who sits on a trophy throne
The man who first made the claim in the second line of this article

This is my response. John Kipling, Rudyard Kipling's son died at the Battle of Loos in 1915. And to this, his father wrote:

"If any questions why we died, Tell them, because our fathers lied."

What I am not blessed with...

Health.

I am sick again. First it was the infection I picked up at the gym.
Now its the flu. Made worse by bad air caused by Indonesia.
Damn.
And to top it all, the professor says there is no way to fix my back.
But I just watch the Discovery Channel and am convinced Ayurveda can help.

So I may end up in Kerala, India soon, before Korea.

That is, if Dubai does not happen first.

Meanwhile, it is time to rest. Get my strength back up. And focus.
Too many negative things have been happening. Attachment causes burden.

My Cup Half Full

I sent out an Just A Thought that I didn't include here. It was about the Ebersols and the loss of their 14 year old son in an accident.

A question was posed: Are you Happy?
Because you should be happy at the time of your death.

So I summised there should be something about everyone's lives that they can feel good about, they their lives have been happy and fulfilling.

So I tried to create my list of stuff that makes me feel good and/or brings me closer to finding myself:

-I had my first international solo trip at 16.
-My first open water dive was among good people, and swarms of jelly fish.
-I bungeed and survived.
-I stood within the Temple of Poseidon in Greece on a cliff overlooking the sea, and imagined Grecian sailing ships coming to port.
-I went into a lesser known Egyptian temple on the grounds of the Grand Pyramid in Giza and learned how they treasured the lifetime of a person is so important that they would draw them on a wall in the room where the body is buried.
-I ate a internationally famous chocolate cake, the Sacher cake, at the place where it was first made: the Sacher hotel in Austria...with someone I love dearly. And throughout the whole time, we were exclaiming that we were eating the "SUKKAAAA...SUKKEEERRR cake".
-I ate great Thai food in Molmo, Sweden.
-I walked around the film sets and lots where Bollywood films are made.
-I braved the freezing cold of winter with family and friends to experience New Year's Eve in Times Square, just so that I can say 'been there, done that'.
-I realized I knew myself musically when at Warner Music, I was more excited about the Spice Girls from EMI.
-I had a run in with Sandra Bullock and her Publicist and got stared at by Hugh Grant and realized that Hollywood is not in touch with the real world.
-Mr 'The Fly' Jeff Goldblum literally had eyes for me in NY and made no bones about it even though it was rumored that he was getting married to a woman waaay younger than him. PS he kept asking me my real age.
-One of the best compliments I got was from a woman: Linda Evangelista who, to this day I will never forget saying to my face that I had beautiful eyes.
-Shirley Manson, from Garbage walked around the hotel with me, and told me that I was the only journalist that treated her like a regular person and not a celebrity and that she was so thankful.
-I sat near the Pyramid at the Louvre in Paris at 3 am in the morning with the best friend, best relationship I had EVER...a woman no less, talking about nothings that meant something.
-I rode the big Ferris Wheel in Paris with a friend of over 20 years.
-I bought my Versace book in Versace in Milan, after everyone there treated me like they knew me for 20 years. Small purchase but big impression.
-I walked along smaller pathways in Venice.
-I saw a beautiful setting sun by the beach in Vicenza and on a cliff in Santorini.
-I cruised down the river Rhine seeing ancient castles on either sides of the valley, before buying a hand made cuckoo clock from a traditional German village.
-My world was changed when I saw people living under bridges in Jakarta, and thin women carrying babies less than a year old in India, and most recently a woman sitting on a sidewalk in Bangkok with an infant with blackened legs sleeping draped across her lap like a dead toy, and a little girl barely 8 years old begging from car to car at 2 am in the morning, and skipping and jumping like she was playing, reminding me that she is after all a child. I cannot handle the injustice of poverty. And the cruelty to children.
-I sat with tribes people in Davao as they crafted traditional fabrics.
-I saw my mother shed a tear when she saw the sun set on the top of the World Trade Center in New York.
-I braved the rain for Mardi Gras in Sydney and walked an hour back home in boots and hot pants.
-I now understand the human tragedy of HIV/Aids.
-I did the unthinkable and unexpected...I fell in love with a Jewish man.
-Together with my friend, I talked backstage with Cherry Jones about the play and her role in the the staging of Doubt on Broadway, before she won her Tony that I told she she would get.
-My friend and I got caught in a blizzard at Woodbury Common and had to drive back at a pace of an inch per minute.
-I created Singapore's first and only fashion magazine program and paved the way for Producers to go on international travel.
-I won nation wide design competitions with things I made by hand, by the time I was 23.
-I earned the respect of my DoP, who was among the top 3 in Thailand, so much that he was willing to cut his rates to work with me again, to help me fulfil my next vision.
-I created a hall dance group that went on to perform in Zouk, the first ever by a varsity arts group...to music created and mixed by resident DJs.
-I had a book published.
-I survived Istanbul.

I hope to be allowed to have the list grow...

Singapore Idol: The Lowdown

Article originally submitted for print in local daily Aug 24th.

___________________________________

Singapore Idol: The Lowdown

Singapore Idol is in full swing and in a couple of months, the Singapore Indoor Stadium will roar, fingers and thumbs will frantically bang on phones and another winner will be announced. But if the first season deserved brickbats, the second season has enough ammunition for criticism.

This season's crop has been widely criticized to be lower in standard, even as the marketing of the show has obviously gone on overdrive. You cannot escape the campaigns. From corporate sponsorships to the endless trailers to the mall appearances, everything seems targeted to either increasing visibility and/or revenue.

The voting system for example is designed to make money. Each sms means viewers have to fork out sixty cents. For those getting something out of that pie, more votes equal more mulah.

This seems to have given Singapore Idol the license to break away from some of the visual format of its American predecessor. Graphics featuring contestant names, assigned codes and dial in numbers are fixed throughout the contestant's performance. When this information takes up about one third of the viewable screen, it is almost as if seeing the contestant perform is not as important as seeing the numbers. The logic for having the display during performances isn't clear, especially since the telephone lines are not open until the end of the show, something host Gurmit Singh keeps stressing. But it can be inferred that someone is hoping that with constant reminders, viewers will be compelled to call. But for what real reason?

Television shows that come on after the Spectaculars also suffer the intrusion of graphics at the top right hand corner of the television screen. You cannot miss the faces with the numbers that flash and flash and flash. They are big, they are not translucent and they are meant to draw your eye away from the current program being shown. That may be fine to diehard SI fans. I, on the other hand, would prefer to see Heidi Klum's face in its beautiful entirety, and not have it blocked by Joakim Gomez.

The intrusion of graphics is not something that would appear in the US version. American Idol is a lucrative long term franchise, and clean useable archives of performances are important, especially when the winners are slated to become bankable artistes. It also appears that in the US, there is great respect for the television director's shots. Which fan can forget last season's Katherine McPhee's rendition of Queen's 'Who wants to live forever'? The opening shot of the outline of her full back, silhouetted by a single overhead spotlight was simply inspiring. So much so that Simon Cowell commented she had to thank the lighting and studio director for making her look so good. Now, imagine that shot covered with graphics on the lower third space of the screen? Sacrilege.

Are there any performances, past and current season of Singapore Idol that anyone can recall simply because the visuals and performance were in perfect harmony? I doubt so. And with the call to action graphics, it seems to indicate that the aesthetics of the entire program is not a priority.

It also appears that the image of the contestants is once again not a focal point. If the contestants and the producers of the show think that the music industry is just about the voice alone, they clearly do not understand it. Image, aesthetics, like-ability together with vocal chops are all equal currencies in the shaping of a singing star in today's world. I only need to mention Clay Aiken during the course of his competition and even up to recent times, when his new hair color and image resulted in more positive press to prove one thing: Image does matter. And transformations from your average Joe to what is supposed to be a star at the finals matter. The stylists for Singapore Idol seem to think that having coloured hair extensions for EVERYONE and putting them in brand name clothes is transformation enough. Tragic.

The concept of discovering and moulding a future bankable star seems lost in the haze of all the marketing. So does talent really matter? I would submit that perhaps this year's batch is equal to that of the first season, what with all the similarities. Joakim Gomez is 2006's version of Jerry Ong (remember the guy that smiled all through the public backlashing of his croaking?). How about Jasmine Tye and 2004's Daphne Khoo, who might as well be twins tied together by their sweet girly girl and naughty undertones appeal. Does anyone see the similarities between the shocking departure of Mathilda D'Silva and that of first season's Jeassea Thyidor. Both clearly talented, both clearly lacking the fan base. And finally, Hady Mirza...the man even judge Florence Lian joked to be another Taufik. But that's a good thing...

So both batches are equal in qualities, and perhaps even by the standards of talent. But are the contestants truly the best the nation has to offer? Is it believable that people like Joakim and Jerry were chosen because they really were some of the top undiscovered talents in Singapore? Or is this just manipulation on the part of the show's producers to generate controversy and of course the resulting viewership? After all, conflict creates great television. Clearly it is not something anyone would be willing to admit. But it IS completely unbelievable that an industry veteran like Dick Lee would sanction their selection, since it would clearly put his own credibility into question.

A singing competition it may be, a television show it is, and the character mix can tip the ratings and profit scales. However, while it is great to have a profitable show, credibility is key to the concept and overall success of the show. The credibility of the show actually lies on how big the winner will eventually be and this fuels the fire for future seasons. Obviously, American Idol understands that, judging by the resultant number ones and album sales figures that are religiously documented and revealed by the show's producers.

Does Singapore Idol generate enough credibility among viewers? Does it really provide the framework for the development of an artiste that is truly international in standard? Does it deserve to go the distance into its third, fourth and even sixth season like American Idol?

You vote. You decide.

The Perils of Watching TV

So I caught a bad bug in the gym. The very same day I met Alvin. Great.

I have to put it down as one of those days you can tell yourself you are never too old to learn something new. I learned that given a chance, if I didn't put on my Glamazon bzt bzt facade, I am apparently attractive to others. And so I learned the pleasure and gratification of having a really hot Chelsea mantype ask for my number.

And then I fell sick for a week. Great.

Between gasping for air and not being sure if I was going to make it this time, since my asthma is getting worse and my friend did die from it, I spent whatever time in bed watching tv.

Two shows shot out.

America's Next Top Model Cycle 6.


They had this beeaaattcchh of a texan girl called Dani come on proclaiming to be the biggest conservative, republican who hates affirmative action, blacks, gays, moslems and the list went on and on.

Well of course the panel comprising of Ms Tyra, Ms Jay, and Mr Jay would zoom in on the most important bit. Her hatred for gays. Dani would go on to say that she was aware of gay people, being in the cheerleading squad, but that she could not agree with the lifestyle and she had to be true to her church.

DING. The match began.

The trio in the panel made a declaration that almost everyone in the fashion industry that mattered were, (single click counter clockwise swing in the air), GAY.

And they warned Dani that everything that she was against was celebrated in the fashion industry. Hell, Tyra once said the best walks on the runway were by girls who imitated drag queens. True. Touche.

I realized how ignorant some women were. And regardless of their acquaintanceship with gay people, they may still harbour prejudices.

I can't forget how Tod's partner, Stephanie reduced every single thing that has happened to just the gay guy trying 'very hard' as she put it, to take him away from her.

At first I was offended since I thought I was helping. Then I told myself to understand what she may have already gone through. Friends keep telling me women have intuition, they know. But sometimes they can't carry out the logical because of reasons such as love, practicality, age etc. And she is way older than Tod. And after twenty one years, what other life can she imagine for herself for the last few decades she may have.

Then weeks later, I got mad again. Then I remembered how I was when I was in the fashion industry. I was one of the nicer ones according to people, but I never took crap. If I was to put on my fashion cap and return to the diva persona, I would tell her:

"Look Beeeatttccchhhh, don't be giving me no attitude cuz I was doing you a favor, you hear me? And if you know what's good for you, you would get your ass off your sorry penthouse couch and get yourself tested and start loving yourself first before some man who has cheated on your for 8 solid years! But just cuz you have tried to reduce me to some whore, let me do you another favor. When you least expect it, when you think the coast is clear, when Tod has lied so low until he thinks he can start cheating on you again, and he will because muddafucka he is an ass and cock loving gay man who is fucking you because you are a timeshare, I will show you the evidence in living color, and maybe then you will realize that I had nuthin' to do with what he is. And he will keep on fucking men whether I am in his life or not. And here is another thing, you should have let him keep me because I would have been your only frontline against getting any disease from him, and you would have still been able to keep him in your fuckin' home. Now take that to your momma and cry because you know it's the truth! And if your pyschic friend was a as good as she seems, she would have told you this by now too!"

Gee I was never really good at trash talk. Zim used to make fun of me and called me Shequoia. Sigh.

Nevertheless being gay cannot be the worse thing on Earth. There have been so many accomplished gay men and women in history. Hell, every single significant boy band with the exception of Take That has had a gay member come out.

Ive been reading the experiences of some gay + married men. And most possess self hate for being gay. Internal homophobia. Most fear losing their lives as they know it. All very real. But some of these men are so selfish to want it all. And whoever loves them end up hurt.

I have heard so many people say the best way to end the middle east crisis is to drop a bomb on Israel and Lebanon. Maybe the same solution for gay + married men who want it all? Just get rid of them. They have no moral conscience about who they hurt. Would this solve anything? Probably no.

It still angers me that Stephanie saw me as nothing but cheap Asian gay trash. And while my trash talk is terrible, I do think that maybe I should pounce like a cheetah when I get back to NY soon. Tod can never run and hide permanently, and guys who lie a lot like him usually trip over their own deceit. It would be a matter of time.

Then I watched Grey's Anatomy Season 2.

And somehow, Meredith and McDreamy have become friends. Which was what I was trying to achieve when Tod called me that first time after months. Of course by then, he had moved on so fast that he found someone else to date and to almost get serious with. And someone he shared intimacies with that should have been shared with me. That hurts. Really hurts.

I used to tell him that when I ask a question it usually means I already know the answer. I warned him it was in my nature to want to know. It hurt more to know that he could tell me a bold faced lie. And I am sure til today he still thinks that I must have laid a trap for him. He probably cannot fathom the fact that NY is not as big as it seems, and people do make friends, and friends talk, even if they don't know previous histories. Is it not interesting to find out things when people are just sharing with no other intentions?

The only thing holding me back from being my worst nightmare is that unfortunately, I love him. For his warts and lies, I do. He has little if any, redeeming qualities. Yet I do.
I would have been happy to just know he was in NY when I would come back. And be able to walk the dog like Meredith and McDreamy. And just talk. Because I like to believe the feelings we shared were real.

Perhaps they weren't on his side. But luckily for him, they are real for me. And while I sometimes wonder the what ifs after watching Grey's Anatomy, it's the only thing that is stopping me from trash talking in person.

Who knows, maybe in a subplot, in my weakened health, I will end up in hospital and some cute doctor will fall for me, ugly and hanging on drips, like the other storyline between the blonde and that really cute guy!
_________

footnote:

I recently has a chance to talk to yet another married gay man. I seem to be a magnet for them. Anyway I said to him, you sucked cock. Yes. You like cock. Yes. How do you go from cock to fish? What is the attraction? His answer: The cock that is fucking the fish.

And I thought that was the funniest yet brutally honest thing a married gay guy could ever say....:-)

Santino Rice and Designs on 73rd Street

OMG

I watched a rerun of Project Runway 2's catch up show, and Santino Rice said this:

"I do not regret what I said, but I regret if it made people feel bad."

What the f@#k does that mean? It's like saying,"I don't regret that I am about to plunge a knife into your stomach, but I do regret if it makes you feel bad."

I remember having a similar conversation with Tod. And I said that Americans have a tendency to use positive virtues, like honesty for example, to cover bad behavior.

Every sentence, every word, every action has a corresponding consequence. I think Americans have lost out on that fact because so many of their people literally get away with blue murder: OJ Simpson, Michael Jackson, President Bush.

Tod used to say whatever he wanted, and he would say afterwards that was who he was. WHO he was! He would put me down and make disparagng comments on my body and other personality attributes and then basically say he was being honest.

Well, here is honesty. The first picture is Santino. The second Tod. Don't they look alike? Same big ears, same big nose, same beard. Except that Tod's picture was professionally taken, and the real face really does look like Santino. Geez.


On a separate subject, it's funny. Sometimes I feel like my life is moving at a pace I don't understand just yet. I was watching an episode of Living with Fran and I realized it was the same one I was watching in NY. Thing is I had to run out of the door or something and I missed out on it then. I just remembered that Mr Sheffield from The Nanny came back to act as Fran's ex husband in this sitcom. And I remembered how great it was that two friends got reunited for work after all these years.

Sometimes I think if Tod wasn't acting like the paranoid drug stabilized guy that he was, we could have had something decent. But then again, I would always be Meredith Grey. And as my friends have pointed out, his girlfriend would always see me as a money grabbing FOB Asian who saw her ex CD current moregaythanstraight partner as a cash cow...which of course, as they also pointed out, means she is not living in reality.

Tragic.

Gratitude Journal/What have you done today...#8

Some time ago, a fortune teller said I have moved far away from who I am. I think this was a general statement because in my view, corporatization made me lose touch with the person that I was.

I remember being part of the Warner family. And I remember leaving. And how the people there rallied by my side, and supported me. I felt so loved, so appreciated. The Dolce bag they got me helped...

Still, I knew I was a good person. And I had passion for life.

Recently, I started dance classes again. I realized that I have lost the rhythm. And I was struggling to get it back. I realize now it is going to be an uphill climb but I am sure if I persevere I will make it.

I think about what has transpired recently and I question if I am a good person. I know everything happens in a dynamic and what I did was more reactionary than anything. But people have choices. Did I make a good one, I don't know.

I know I have been manipulated. Like my feelings did not matter. I know that it hurts that it seems like a liar can get away scott free, that he can be untouched while I am suffering, that he can switch on and off his feelings and his honesty like a tap, while I have to live with thinking what could have been.

I sometimes lay at night thinking about him. Not in a good way, not in a bad way. Just thinking. That there is a person named Tod. And that by some twist of fate we met.

I sometimes think how we made love. How I didn't want him to leave afterwards, how it never mattered how it looked or what his background was. He often doubted why I loved him. I just did. And while I bitch about his age and his physical looks, the truth is, when love takes over, you really don't care. he could have been 70 and i probably would still have loved him and being with him.

I was really happy to have even a regular friendship with him, only because it would honor what we had before. And we would not have had to go through such finality. sad thing is, he didn't believe me the last time. the worst thing that a person can do to another is not to leave, but to deprive them of the value of their voice. and i miss his.

so what am i thankful for?

-my dance class that made me feel there was hope in getting back to who i was, and maybe lose a few kilos along the way

maybe i can boogie back to being fabulous.

momma madonna

so i showed my mom madonna's film
and just at the part abt reading scripture, really serious stuff with heavy underscore.
my mom turns to me and says:
WOW durians are selling for 2 dollars today!

talk about missing the point and ruining the mood....

in another scene:
madonna was being warned by israeli security from going into some wise man's grave in the occupied territories...madonna reluctantly agreed, but said to the security guys:
fuckers. pussy fuckers.

there was a pause in the living room.
and then my mom turns to me and asks:

what did she say?

she wanted me to repeat it.

sigh.

moral of the story: mothers and madonna don't mix.

Project Runway and the Long Island Trap

I am so happy Santino Rice did not make it as winner, coz seriously he just isn't nice and his collection sucked.
I am so terrified that he looks and sounds like Tod.
If that was what I fell in love with, the mirror image is scary.

Gratitude Journal/What have you done today...#7

-that my mom is ok
-that while my health isnt great, at least im not messed up like tod and stephanie
-that i cleared my invoices and will get some money at least
-that i have gone back to the gym and in spite of what the trainer said about my body, i had a few really cute white guys check me out. the one outside starbucks was sweet. its odd it can be a touch and go but feels like a lifetime.
-that i dont have to live a lie
-that i had great chicken today
-that i didnt pass out this morning
-that while my wrist hurts my hand is still functioning

but honestly, im not sure if what i did last night is something to be proud about. what was supposed to be a helpful gesture for someone, turned into a nightmare. all the reports say women rather know than not know. i guess stephanie, like tod, is afraid of loss. sometimes i think of tod, and i cry inside. i feel so much pain not because of how he treated me, but because i know in my heart that there is someone inside that yearns to come out fully. i know in my heart that there is good in him. but how can i expect a man who has lived 49 years to literally be reborn. it would take an act of God. i tried to hold on to help him bring that good out of him. perhaps he would then sensitively suggest testing for stephanie. perhaps he would be happier knowing he could talk to someone. he said he didnt trust me. and i guess he was right. because when he did not choose light, i became the one who felt like it was up to him to help stephanie at least help herself. again, that backfired. but at least i tried.

in my heart, i know he loves me in his own twisted bizzare way. and it was clear that no matter what he had said afterwards, his longing and affection never left even after 2 months. but it is clear that a love that is twisted and bizzare is not what i seek. and it saddens me to know that sometimes love just isnt enough.

perhaps it truly isnt possible for a jew and a muslim to be together. surely this is not an issue of differing faiths. but the old adege has come true for me. that you can eat and drink with a jew, but you cannot sleep with one because he will stab you in the back. from a passage out of the good books. i have been stabbed. sadly by the person i loved.

To Turn a Blind Eye

When is it right to turn a blind eye to things? To the child begging on the streets that could be part of a consortium of beggars? To countries that defy international law and commit genocide? To the maiming and killing of cats and dogs?

Recently, I discovered that someone I had been close to before but no longer, was engaging in unprotected sex with other men. Which is his prerogative. Literally, as we say it here in Singapore, it's his own PASAL (malay: business). And while, previous ties means I could not divorce myself from opinion, I should have been able to ignore it and let him live his life the way he chooses.

Life sometimes does not allow that as nothing happens in a vacuum. And whatever we do, will affect others. And in his case, living his life that way would mean endangering a person close to him.

This person has a 21 year relationship with a woman.

The stereotypes are there of course. The advent of the internet allowed him to explore his sexuality. He would go online to share to strangers that he had lost sexual desire for his partner and was only interested in men. That he is conflicted about balancing his sexual needs and his need to protect the love he shared with his partner. He is older. Financially stable. Repressed by society in his youth. Married/common law wife. The profile fits.

Again, how a person chooses to live his life should be his own prerogative no? Perhaps in this case no.

All things remaining equal, the fact remains that his activities out of the household has potentially put his partner at risk of exposure to HIV or STDs. So, in a situation such as this, does a person turn a blind eye? Should anyone with such information let his partner know if they could? Or butt out?

The camps are divided.

There are those who say that she needs to know and ignorance is suicide. Oprah Winfrey has done several shows on men on the down low and the female guests all testified that the first thing they did when they found out their husbands were cheating on them with other men, was to get tested. All of them with no exception said they would have preferred to know than not know.

Then there are those who say that revealing such details is not an external responsibility. That person who engaged in unprotected sex would need to reveal it to his partner if he truly cherished their relationship. It is a matter between a couple and only between a couple.

So where does the responsibility and accountability lie? Surely the man who started it all. But does it also fall on anyone else who come into possession of the information? Does it become their responsibility to let affected parties know?

HIV is still a problem worldwide, and responsible action is always the lesson taught in every HIV center. Does anyone expect a man who cheats on his partner to be responsible enough to come clean about his activities? It is implausible although at the same time, entirely possible. Statistically? No.

In this man's case, he allowed himself to play raw on the faith of a person's honor, and word. The person he had done it with assured him he was negative. Counsellors in any HIV center will say that the window periods while predictable, are too much of a variable to be toyed with in casual encounters.

The clearest time frame is three months for antibodies to appear from the first point of potential exposure. And if a person is tested negative within those three months, and chooses to engage in unprotected sex again, the window period reopens. If every single casual partner does this, one can never tell who is within and who is out of the window period. Which is why, counsellors encourage monogamy, safe sex and for couples, mutual testing after about six months of safe sex.

No one's word is good. No one should be believed.

It is tragic that this man did. And put his partner's life at risk. He did it, twice and then had sex just last week with his female partner, who has gone through menopause. Suffice to say, as he had revealed in the past, they do not practice safe sex either.

I came into possession of this information. And it had come from the horse's mouth. And I had access to the partner.

Was I supposed to turn a blind eye? Did she not fit the profile as all the other women who had partners on the down low, that they would prefer to know?

So I called.

I could not get her to take the call. And as a friend suggested, I left a message.

What was surprising is that instead of focusing on the potential health risk, she lashed back at me and returned a voice message on my home phone (apparently in a counter move, he had given her my number so that she could defend his honor for him). She was firm in her stand and she was bent on chastising me. That she supported her partner, that he loves her and she loves him, and that she saw the message as harassment. She made some threats, which initially I got offended by seeing that I was trying to help her, but eventually I had to believe that it was a defensive trigger action and she was protecting the only nest she knew for 21 years. They both have a reputation in New York, with him being a former creative chief at Saatchi's and she an established writer. And whenever there are roots, scandal and drama are the shovels that can destroy that and people tend to instinctively go into protection mode first, logic last. Whatever it was, she chose not to entertain even the possibility that there could be truth that her partner had exposed her to health risks.

Her blind faith in him also made her lose sight of the fact that he has cheated on her repeatedly with members of the same sex, that his love for her was not enough to keep him away from his carnal desires, that this was not about the whos and the whens, it was about what he is: that he is more gay than bisexual, that this would not stop and it had nothing to do with her womanhood, and more importantly that he would not stop engaging in unsafe practices.

Love can truly lead people into euphoria, and it can also lead people into losing perspective. I remember the case of the New Jersey governor who was outed by his Israeli boyfriend. Many would say the boyfriend was a jerk. But not many would know the true dynamics of their relationship. Was he a home wrecker? A gold digger? Perhaps. But then again, what sort of man would keep his foreign lover in an apartment a few doors down from where his family lived. What sort of man would pretend to be the perfect husband, father, community leader, then hide away to explore his other desires?

What I remembered clearly though was how during the press conference to announce his resignation over the scandal, his wife stood by him with a firm stance and a loving face. Like a rock, like Hillary with Bill, she stood by her husband, presumably because of love, since a unified stand is better than breaking down in the eyes of the public and their respective families. And this in spite of the betrayal and infidelities. Sometimes ignoring what is logically true can also mean a denial of further hurt and perhaps buy people the chance to return to a semblance of the life once led.

But as we all know, she divorced him. He moved out. And has found a boyfriend.

That story allowed for new beginnings. But what if the governor had exposed his partner to HIV or STDs? Would she still have stood by him and supported him? Probably. But would it allow for new beginnings? Probably not.

Personally, I have learned a painful lesson that the best of intentions can sometimes be met with misplaced hatred. That the provision of crucial information can be seen as interference especially by the guilty. That the messenger can be taken as evil. And this in spite of Oprah's famous mandate, that knowledge is power.

That man who engaged in unsafe sex, told me many times that life for him was shades of grey, and full of complications. I used to counter that and say we should make it our goal to live life as simply as possible. I guess some people chase after complications, and prefer drama.

I still believe that some drama however should be experienced alone for it is not fair to involve anyone else in that. And with that, the biggest lesson learned here is that sometimes it is necessary to turn a blind eye, especially to people who choose to be blind to reality themselves.

JaT

ps. as Asians we are brought up to believe that our elders are wiser because of the life experiences they have accumulated through the years. Sadly, in a case like this, with the man being all of 49 years, this is not true. There is no wisdom, there is no role model to follow. Sad. And yes, I have lost complete respect for this man. And no, there will be no more contact.

grieving

My dearest Mooch,

I was watching Will and Grace and there was an episode where Grace was grieving over the loss of someone she loved. The rest of the characters tried to cheer her up, and after weeks of not responding, they took drastic measures and put her under a cold shower. Then she fought back with an energy she had not shown in a while. But not for the reasons they hoped.

She said to them that while they have handled various casualties in their lives well, she couldn't. She said she was not as strong as that and she needed to handle it the best way she knew how even though it may have seemed wrong.

I realize that no matter how well intentioned my friends and family are, I need to grieve you my way. So here is a start.

I know now you are gone. I know now God has taken you and is keeping you safe. I know you can no longer hear me or read my thoughts. But I like to think somewhere out there, you are still watching over me. I feel like the connection can never be severed.

So I am going to still share my thoughts. Until I know it's ok to let go. Sometimes I fear if I let go, I'll forget you. I don't want to forget you.

Guess what I did today? I did my classic moves on various sections of the travel industry. From SQ's biz class lounge to the TG management, who btw had a special package for me when I got onboard. Nice to know the loudest bark gets the bone...or boner. At Bangkok Airport, the immigration guy was a trainee, and he literally took eons to finish ONE person. Which would have still been ok, except that he lunged at me when I asked why he was taking so long. Literally. I felt threatened. He probably never met someone like me. And it didn't take too long before I hauled his ass into the Immigration Manager's office.

I realized that I needed to learn to switch off. Coz what he did upset me so much I felt my heart beat real fast. So in the cab, I mentally told myself it's ok. And actually when I saw the Hilton Hotel in the distance, calm came over me.

I love this hotel. The people know me. It's very grand. It's peaceful. I wish you could share this with me.

I also went for a thai massage tonight. It was nothing like my first experience years back. This time it was calming. So much that even though the masseur lightly and accidently touched my er, areas, it didn't matter and I actually fell asleep. But while he was massaging me, I was imagining sharing that moment with you. It would have been funny because I know profanities would flow out of your mouth coz thai massage can hurt sometimes.

Funny how the things that you used to hate, are the things that you miss.

Anyway goodnight dearest.

Loving you always,

Shtinky