Gratitude Journal/What have you done today...#8

Some time ago, a fortune teller said I have moved far away from who I am. I think this was a general statement because in my view, corporatization made me lose touch with the person that I was.

I remember being part of the Warner family. And I remember leaving. And how the people there rallied by my side, and supported me. I felt so loved, so appreciated. The Dolce bag they got me helped...

Still, I knew I was a good person. And I had passion for life.

Recently, I started dance classes again. I realized that I have lost the rhythm. And I was struggling to get it back. I realize now it is going to be an uphill climb but I am sure if I persevere I will make it.

I think about what has transpired recently and I question if I am a good person. I know everything happens in a dynamic and what I did was more reactionary than anything. But people have choices. Did I make a good one, I don't know.

I know I have been manipulated. Like my feelings did not matter. I know that it hurts that it seems like a liar can get away scott free, that he can be untouched while I am suffering, that he can switch on and off his feelings and his honesty like a tap, while I have to live with thinking what could have been.

I sometimes lay at night thinking about him. Not in a good way, not in a bad way. Just thinking. That there is a person named Tod. And that by some twist of fate we met.

I sometimes think how we made love. How I didn't want him to leave afterwards, how it never mattered how it looked or what his background was. He often doubted why I loved him. I just did. And while I bitch about his age and his physical looks, the truth is, when love takes over, you really don't care. he could have been 70 and i probably would still have loved him and being with him.

I was really happy to have even a regular friendship with him, only because it would honor what we had before. And we would not have had to go through such finality. sad thing is, he didn't believe me the last time. the worst thing that a person can do to another is not to leave, but to deprive them of the value of their voice. and i miss his.

so what am i thankful for?

-my dance class that made me feel there was hope in getting back to who i was, and maybe lose a few kilos along the way

maybe i can boogie back to being fabulous.