grieving

My dearest Mooch,

I was watching Will and Grace and there was an episode where Grace was grieving over the loss of someone she loved. The rest of the characters tried to cheer her up, and after weeks of not responding, they took drastic measures and put her under a cold shower. Then she fought back with an energy she had not shown in a while. But not for the reasons they hoped.

She said to them that while they have handled various casualties in their lives well, she couldn't. She said she was not as strong as that and she needed to handle it the best way she knew how even though it may have seemed wrong.

I realize that no matter how well intentioned my friends and family are, I need to grieve you my way. So here is a start.

I know now you are gone. I know now God has taken you and is keeping you safe. I know you can no longer hear me or read my thoughts. But I like to think somewhere out there, you are still watching over me. I feel like the connection can never be severed.

So I am going to still share my thoughts. Until I know it's ok to let go. Sometimes I fear if I let go, I'll forget you. I don't want to forget you.

Guess what I did today? I did my classic moves on various sections of the travel industry. From SQ's biz class lounge to the TG management, who btw had a special package for me when I got onboard. Nice to know the loudest bark gets the bone...or boner. At Bangkok Airport, the immigration guy was a trainee, and he literally took eons to finish ONE person. Which would have still been ok, except that he lunged at me when I asked why he was taking so long. Literally. I felt threatened. He probably never met someone like me. And it didn't take too long before I hauled his ass into the Immigration Manager's office.

I realized that I needed to learn to switch off. Coz what he did upset me so much I felt my heart beat real fast. So in the cab, I mentally told myself it's ok. And actually when I saw the Hilton Hotel in the distance, calm came over me.

I love this hotel. The people know me. It's very grand. It's peaceful. I wish you could share this with me.

I also went for a thai massage tonight. It was nothing like my first experience years back. This time it was calming. So much that even though the masseur lightly and accidently touched my er, areas, it didn't matter and I actually fell asleep. But while he was massaging me, I was imagining sharing that moment with you. It would have been funny because I know profanities would flow out of your mouth coz thai massage can hurt sometimes.

Funny how the things that you used to hate, are the things that you miss.

Anyway goodnight dearest.

Loving you always,

Shtinky