Gratitude Journal/What have you done today...#7

-that my mom is ok
-that while my health isnt great, at least im not messed up like tod and stephanie
-that i cleared my invoices and will get some money at least
-that i have gone back to the gym and in spite of what the trainer said about my body, i had a few really cute white guys check me out. the one outside starbucks was sweet. its odd it can be a touch and go but feels like a lifetime.
-that i dont have to live a lie
-that i had great chicken today
-that i didnt pass out this morning
-that while my wrist hurts my hand is still functioning

but honestly, im not sure if what i did last night is something to be proud about. what was supposed to be a helpful gesture for someone, turned into a nightmare. all the reports say women rather know than not know. i guess stephanie, like tod, is afraid of loss. sometimes i think of tod, and i cry inside. i feel so much pain not because of how he treated me, but because i know in my heart that there is someone inside that yearns to come out fully. i know in my heart that there is good in him. but how can i expect a man who has lived 49 years to literally be reborn. it would take an act of God. i tried to hold on to help him bring that good out of him. perhaps he would then sensitively suggest testing for stephanie. perhaps he would be happier knowing he could talk to someone. he said he didnt trust me. and i guess he was right. because when he did not choose light, i became the one who felt like it was up to him to help stephanie at least help herself. again, that backfired. but at least i tried.

in my heart, i know he loves me in his own twisted bizzare way. and it was clear that no matter what he had said afterwards, his longing and affection never left even after 2 months. but it is clear that a love that is twisted and bizzare is not what i seek. and it saddens me to know that sometimes love just isnt enough.

perhaps it truly isnt possible for a jew and a muslim to be together. surely this is not an issue of differing faiths. but the old adege has come true for me. that you can eat and drink with a jew, but you cannot sleep with one because he will stab you in the back. from a passage out of the good books. i have been stabbed. sadly by the person i loved.