I have to put it down as one of those days you can tell yourself you are never too old to learn something new. I learned that given a chance, if I didn't put on my Glamazon bzt bzt facade, I am apparently attractive to others. And so I learned the pleasure and gratification of having a really hot Chelsea mantype ask for my number.
And then I fell sick for a week. Great.
Between gasping for air and not being sure if I was going to make it this time, since my asthma is getting worse and my friend did die from it, I spent whatever time in bed watching tv.
Two shows shot out.
America's Next Top Model Cycle 6.
They had this beeaaattcchh of a texan girl called Dani come on proclaiming to be the biggest conservative, republican who hates affirmative action, blacks, gays, moslems and the list went on and on.
Well of course the panel comprising of Ms Tyra, Ms Jay, and Mr Jay would zoom in on the most important bit. Her hatred for gays. Dani would go on to say that she was aware of gay people, being in the cheerleading squad, but that she could not agree with the lifestyle and she had to be true to her church.
DING. The match began.
The trio in the panel made a declaration that almost everyone in the fashion industry that mattered were, (single click counter clockwise swing in the air), GAY.
And they warned Dani that everything that she was against was celebrated in the fashion industry. Hell, Tyra once said the best walks on the runway were by girls who imitated drag queens. True. Touche.
I realized how ignorant some women were. And regardless of their acquaintanceship with gay people, they may still harbour prejudices.
I can't forget how Tod's partner, Stephanie reduced every single thing that has happened to just the gay guy trying 'very hard' as she put it, to take him away from her.
At first I was offended since I thought I was helping. Then I told myself to understand what she may have already gone through. Friends keep telling me women have intuition, they know. But sometimes they can't carry out the logical because of reasons such as love, practicality, age etc. And she is way older than Tod. And after twenty one years, what other life can she imagine for herself for the last few decades she may have.
Then weeks later, I got mad again. Then I remembered how I was when I was in the fashion industry. I was one of the nicer ones according to people, but I never took crap. If I was to put on my fashion cap and return to the diva persona, I would tell her:
"Look Beeeatttccchhhh, don't be giving me no attitude cuz I was doing you a favor, you hear me? And if you know what's good for you, you would get your ass off your sorry penthouse couch and get yourself tested and start loving yourself first before some man who has cheated on your for 8 solid years! But just cuz you have tried to reduce me to some whore, let me do you another favor. When you least expect it, when you think the coast is clear, when Tod has lied so low until he thinks he can start cheating on you again, and he will because muddafucka he is an ass and cock loving gay man who is fucking you because you are a timeshare, I will show you the evidence in living color, and maybe then you will realize that I had nuthin' to do with what he is. And he will keep on fucking men whether I am in his life or not. And here is another thing, you should have let him keep me because I would have been your only frontline against getting any disease from him, and you would have still been able to keep him in your fuckin' home. Now take that to your momma and cry because you know it's the truth! And if your pyschic friend was a as good as she seems, she would have told you this by now too!"
Gee I was never really good at trash talk. Zim used to make fun of me and called me Shequoia. Sigh.
Nevertheless being gay cannot be the worse thing on Earth. There have been so many accomplished gay men and women in history. Hell, every single significant boy band with the exception of Take That has had a gay member come out.
Ive been reading the experiences of some gay + married men. And most possess self hate for being gay. Internal homophobia. Most fear losing their lives as they know it. All very real. But some of these men are so selfish to want it all. And whoever loves them end up hurt.
I have heard so many people say the best way to end the middle east crisis is to drop a bomb on Israel and Lebanon. Maybe the same solution for gay + married men who want it all? Just get rid of them. They have no moral conscience about who they hurt. Would this solve anything? Probably no.
It still angers me that Stephanie saw me as nothing but cheap Asian gay trash. And while my trash talk is terrible, I do think that maybe I should pounce like a cheetah when I get back to NY soon. Tod can never run and hide permanently, and guys who lie a lot like him usually trip over their own deceit. It would be a matter of time.
Then I watched Grey's Anatomy Season 2.And somehow, Meredith and McDreamy have become friends. Which was what I was trying to achieve when Tod called me that first time after months. Of course by then, he had moved on so fast that he found someone else to date and to almost get serious with. And someone he shared intimacies with that should have been shared with me. That hurts. Really hurts.
I used to tell him that when I ask a question it usually means I already know the answer. I warned him it was in my nature to want to know. It hurt more to know that he could tell me a bold faced lie. And I am sure til today he still thinks that I must have laid a trap for him. He probably cannot fathom the fact that NY is not as big as it seems, and people do make friends, and friends talk, even if they don't know previous histories. Is it not interesting to find out things when people are just sharing with no other intentions?
The only thing holding me back from being my worst nightmare is that unfortunately, I love him. For his warts and lies, I do. He has little if any, redeeming qualities. Yet I do.
I would have been happy to just know he was in NY when I would come back. And be able to walk the dog like Meredith and McDreamy. And just talk. Because I like to believe the feelings we shared were real.
Perhaps they weren't on his side. But luckily for him, they are real for me. And while I sometimes wonder the what ifs after watching Grey's Anatomy, it's the only thing that is stopping me from trash talking in person.
Who knows, maybe in a subplot, in my weakened health, I will end up in hospital and some cute doctor will fall for me, ugly and hanging on drips, like the other storyline between the blonde and that really cute guy!
_________
footnote:
I recently has a chance to talk to yet another married gay man. I seem to be a magnet for them. Anyway I said to him, you sucked cock. Yes. You like cock. Yes. How do you go from cock to fish? What is the attraction? His answer: The cock that is fucking the fish.
And I thought that was the funniest yet brutally honest thing a married gay guy could ever say....:-)
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