Tod Seisser, Predestined Conclusions, Unfulfilled Dreams

So the haze has hit Singapore. And everyone is just sick. Thanks Indonesia. Crap country.

I have not written in a while. Not here at least. Watching the news daily has made my writings negative according to friends. They say that it has been a while since they have heard anything positive. Much of course were about US foreign policy. I realize that it is not something I can control or influence, unlike the Americans people who let their president do as he pleases. It is a waste of emotions and energy over things you can't control. And letting go is the most charitable thing you can do for your sanity. So I have stopped fretting about how stupid the world has become, and take heart in knowing things will have their own predestined conclusions.

I guess the same can be said about Tod and I. The past few months have been about healing, and research. I am a magnet for bisexual, confused, supposedly straight men. So I used it to my advantage. And the last one who came my way, a DC man coming to live here with his wife and family, got the most forgiving brush off I could give him. It was novel that he wanted me to meet his wife and kids. It was not that his wife agreed with me about our views on human sexuality. Like most women, she is hanging in there for her own reasons. But even this would have its predestined conclusions.

Do I need to be part of that? Do I choose so? This time no. It would have been too easy to want to do the humane thing and help someone out. But I realize, hey, in that equation, I am the one that anyone else would not help out.

Like in the case of Tod Seisser. All the so called compassion he had for me at the end was self serving, exactly what I felt would have happend in a worst case scenario, right at the start. For no man who can cheat on a long term partner can and will do right by you.

Still I do think of him fondly sometimes. The other day I asked my ex what I saw in him. I looked at his pictures again, read our communications. And truth be told, he was not my 'ideal' and the communications were toxic. Nevertheless, he had something. He was a character.

For some people I can see their future, be it for work or otherwise. One day I had a dream I was looking at a picture I had of him. He looked liked he was in a coffin. Which is a scary thing. It was like I was transported to the future and I was in the temple to pay my last respects. I remembered feeling sorrow, thinking of what he has done in his life to make him proud. And how the more recent years, his life was filled with drama, conflict and unfulfilled dreams. I am sure he would scoff at this notion, but he is no different from the millions of men in the US who are gay and married. There is always an opportunity cost. A disconnect.

The funny thing though is that I just found out that my blogs on Tod are appearing in google. I never knew that was possible. Anyway it is not something anyone should be alarmed about. Who really cares about Tod Seisser anymore to google him?

It is like the haze in Singapore. It is toxic, it makes one sick. It is something no one needs.