Lies

A self proclaimed non kosher Jewish ex-friend in NY once said:

"I am not pro-Israel but to the Israelis civilian deaths are casualties of war, whereas the Arab terrorists use civilians as human shields."

Thank you Fox News. Both parties have their stories, and their losses and grief. Both parties are to be blamed in one form or another and to be understood as well. We are all human, and the human condition seems to necessitate conflict and the fight for supremacy.

A UN mission declared that Israel was wrong to have destroyed civilian infrastructure and lives, especially as they have no clear connection to the Hezbollah.

If we can't trust the UN, and if Israel is allowed to defy a ceasefire, why do we need an organization like that or even bother with diplomacy and other peaceful methods of resolving conflict?

When the head of the Hezbollah a few days ago conceded that if he had known the kidnapping of two Israelis would cause a war and civilian casualties, he would not have allowed the kidnappings that was done to force the release of hundreds of Palestinians kept in captivity without trial. Israel was reported to have proclaimed that this was proof that they did the right thing. They felt justified for invading Lebanon and that they won the morality war.

But what is the right thing? That they killed so many innocent men, women and children to make a point that Israel is not an entity to screw around with? Is that what it takes to make a stand these days? That civilians are not just casualties of war, they are used not as human shields, but as punctuation marks at the end of the sentence: Don't mess with us ( ). A former US foreign policy advisor told CNN that it is getting evident that the US and Israel are slowly taking out Arab nations, block by block. That to these two powers this would ensure peace in the region. But at what cost? Must the world live in a monolithic system for it to make sense? Must Greece, Indonesia, Nepal, Brunei, Abu Dhabi learn how to speak ghetto, or say OY and learn how to rap and drink coke instead of water, and behave like the western world for them to be considered civilized?

Hitler took a stand in the 1940s by almost wiping out an entire race of people. That, an act which even the US took over two years to respond to, is WRONG. But is the show of power so important that generations after must suffer? Do two wrongs make a right?

A report on CNN had a reporter turn the camera and mike over to a young Lebanese boy, who was so excited to be able to try out his English and give the reporter a tour of his bombed home. His parents seemed traumatized. The boy on the other hand, skipped and jumped through rubble to show the reporter his Looney Tunes stuffed toy that was buried under rocks, before he finally showed the man the view from his room, through what used to be a wall.

He could not comprehend the true meaning of what he saw. Miles and miles of devastation. He is just a child who wanted to play.

The CNN reporter did a great service. Because media and communication lines have been cut in Lebanon, and the email feedback the CNN site has been getting have largely been from Israelis and other affected Westerners. Not the Lebanese civilians.

I think that the leaders of the modern world are failing our kids. They have stopped looking at the faces of their children and have failed to realize they are creating a world of fear and uncertainty and a new generation of people breast fed on hate. They are all seeking temporary and short term gains...like oil. And they do so by bullying and killing.

My response to that is at the bottom. But first, I would like to dedicate it to:

The Israelis who killed over 1000 mostly civilians
The Hezbollah that killed over 100 mostly military personnel
(both reported in the Singapore daily yesterday)
The Al Qaeda that has made air travel a living nightmare, bunch of jack!@#es.
The North Koreans who rather have their people starve in a drought than give up their costly nuclear program
The American President who consistently pushes his agenda without any moral and ethical authority, especially if it would support his friends and family...(anyone wonder why he pushed for 7 billion dollars from Congress to develop an Avian flu vaccine...does anyone know his cousin is the head of a pharmaceutical company? Does it take a professor to see the connection?)
The mothers of children who died in the Iraq War and who still grapple with the question, WHY
The nuts in Afghanistan who kill their own people just because they are not from the same branch of Islam
The minority Muslims whose acts have caused others to profile all Muslims to be terrorist first, human beings second
The children who die from gun violence in the US
The Cambodian and Sri Lankan authorities who turn a blind eye to child trafficking and prostitution
Kofi Annan who sits on a trophy throne
The man who first made the claim in the second line of this article

This is my response. John Kipling, Rudyard Kipling's son died at the Battle of Loos in 1915. And to this, his father wrote:

"If any questions why we died, Tell them, because our fathers lied."

What I am not blessed with...

Health.

I am sick again. First it was the infection I picked up at the gym.
Now its the flu. Made worse by bad air caused by Indonesia.
Damn.
And to top it all, the professor says there is no way to fix my back.
But I just watch the Discovery Channel and am convinced Ayurveda can help.

So I may end up in Kerala, India soon, before Korea.

That is, if Dubai does not happen first.

Meanwhile, it is time to rest. Get my strength back up. And focus.
Too many negative things have been happening. Attachment causes burden.

My Cup Half Full

I sent out an Just A Thought that I didn't include here. It was about the Ebersols and the loss of their 14 year old son in an accident.

A question was posed: Are you Happy?
Because you should be happy at the time of your death.

So I summised there should be something about everyone's lives that they can feel good about, they their lives have been happy and fulfilling.

So I tried to create my list of stuff that makes me feel good and/or brings me closer to finding myself:

-I had my first international solo trip at 16.
-My first open water dive was among good people, and swarms of jelly fish.
-I bungeed and survived.
-I stood within the Temple of Poseidon in Greece on a cliff overlooking the sea, and imagined Grecian sailing ships coming to port.
-I went into a lesser known Egyptian temple on the grounds of the Grand Pyramid in Giza and learned how they treasured the lifetime of a person is so important that they would draw them on a wall in the room where the body is buried.
-I ate a internationally famous chocolate cake, the Sacher cake, at the place where it was first made: the Sacher hotel in Austria...with someone I love dearly. And throughout the whole time, we were exclaiming that we were eating the "SUKKAAAA...SUKKEEERRR cake".
-I ate great Thai food in Molmo, Sweden.
-I walked around the film sets and lots where Bollywood films are made.
-I braved the freezing cold of winter with family and friends to experience New Year's Eve in Times Square, just so that I can say 'been there, done that'.
-I realized I knew myself musically when at Warner Music, I was more excited about the Spice Girls from EMI.
-I had a run in with Sandra Bullock and her Publicist and got stared at by Hugh Grant and realized that Hollywood is not in touch with the real world.
-Mr 'The Fly' Jeff Goldblum literally had eyes for me in NY and made no bones about it even though it was rumored that he was getting married to a woman waaay younger than him. PS he kept asking me my real age.
-One of the best compliments I got was from a woman: Linda Evangelista who, to this day I will never forget saying to my face that I had beautiful eyes.
-Shirley Manson, from Garbage walked around the hotel with me, and told me that I was the only journalist that treated her like a regular person and not a celebrity and that she was so thankful.
-I sat near the Pyramid at the Louvre in Paris at 3 am in the morning with the best friend, best relationship I had EVER...a woman no less, talking about nothings that meant something.
-I rode the big Ferris Wheel in Paris with a friend of over 20 years.
-I bought my Versace book in Versace in Milan, after everyone there treated me like they knew me for 20 years. Small purchase but big impression.
-I walked along smaller pathways in Venice.
-I saw a beautiful setting sun by the beach in Vicenza and on a cliff in Santorini.
-I cruised down the river Rhine seeing ancient castles on either sides of the valley, before buying a hand made cuckoo clock from a traditional German village.
-My world was changed when I saw people living under bridges in Jakarta, and thin women carrying babies less than a year old in India, and most recently a woman sitting on a sidewalk in Bangkok with an infant with blackened legs sleeping draped across her lap like a dead toy, and a little girl barely 8 years old begging from car to car at 2 am in the morning, and skipping and jumping like she was playing, reminding me that she is after all a child. I cannot handle the injustice of poverty. And the cruelty to children.
-I sat with tribes people in Davao as they crafted traditional fabrics.
-I saw my mother shed a tear when she saw the sun set on the top of the World Trade Center in New York.
-I braved the rain for Mardi Gras in Sydney and walked an hour back home in boots and hot pants.
-I now understand the human tragedy of HIV/Aids.
-I did the unthinkable and unexpected...I fell in love with a Jewish man.
-Together with my friend, I talked backstage with Cherry Jones about the play and her role in the the staging of Doubt on Broadway, before she won her Tony that I told she she would get.
-My friend and I got caught in a blizzard at Woodbury Common and had to drive back at a pace of an inch per minute.
-I created Singapore's first and only fashion magazine program and paved the way for Producers to go on international travel.
-I won nation wide design competitions with things I made by hand, by the time I was 23.
-I earned the respect of my DoP, who was among the top 3 in Thailand, so much that he was willing to cut his rates to work with me again, to help me fulfil my next vision.
-I created a hall dance group that went on to perform in Zouk, the first ever by a varsity arts group...to music created and mixed by resident DJs.
-I had a book published.
-I survived Istanbul.

I hope to be allowed to have the list grow...

Singapore Idol: The Lowdown

Article originally submitted for print in local daily Aug 24th.

___________________________________

Singapore Idol: The Lowdown

Singapore Idol is in full swing and in a couple of months, the Singapore Indoor Stadium will roar, fingers and thumbs will frantically bang on phones and another winner will be announced. But if the first season deserved brickbats, the second season has enough ammunition for criticism.

This season's crop has been widely criticized to be lower in standard, even as the marketing of the show has obviously gone on overdrive. You cannot escape the campaigns. From corporate sponsorships to the endless trailers to the mall appearances, everything seems targeted to either increasing visibility and/or revenue.

The voting system for example is designed to make money. Each sms means viewers have to fork out sixty cents. For those getting something out of that pie, more votes equal more mulah.

This seems to have given Singapore Idol the license to break away from some of the visual format of its American predecessor. Graphics featuring contestant names, assigned codes and dial in numbers are fixed throughout the contestant's performance. When this information takes up about one third of the viewable screen, it is almost as if seeing the contestant perform is not as important as seeing the numbers. The logic for having the display during performances isn't clear, especially since the telephone lines are not open until the end of the show, something host Gurmit Singh keeps stressing. But it can be inferred that someone is hoping that with constant reminders, viewers will be compelled to call. But for what real reason?

Television shows that come on after the Spectaculars also suffer the intrusion of graphics at the top right hand corner of the television screen. You cannot miss the faces with the numbers that flash and flash and flash. They are big, they are not translucent and they are meant to draw your eye away from the current program being shown. That may be fine to diehard SI fans. I, on the other hand, would prefer to see Heidi Klum's face in its beautiful entirety, and not have it blocked by Joakim Gomez.

The intrusion of graphics is not something that would appear in the US version. American Idol is a lucrative long term franchise, and clean useable archives of performances are important, especially when the winners are slated to become bankable artistes. It also appears that in the US, there is great respect for the television director's shots. Which fan can forget last season's Katherine McPhee's rendition of Queen's 'Who wants to live forever'? The opening shot of the outline of her full back, silhouetted by a single overhead spotlight was simply inspiring. So much so that Simon Cowell commented she had to thank the lighting and studio director for making her look so good. Now, imagine that shot covered with graphics on the lower third space of the screen? Sacrilege.

Are there any performances, past and current season of Singapore Idol that anyone can recall simply because the visuals and performance were in perfect harmony? I doubt so. And with the call to action graphics, it seems to indicate that the aesthetics of the entire program is not a priority.

It also appears that the image of the contestants is once again not a focal point. If the contestants and the producers of the show think that the music industry is just about the voice alone, they clearly do not understand it. Image, aesthetics, like-ability together with vocal chops are all equal currencies in the shaping of a singing star in today's world. I only need to mention Clay Aiken during the course of his competition and even up to recent times, when his new hair color and image resulted in more positive press to prove one thing: Image does matter. And transformations from your average Joe to what is supposed to be a star at the finals matter. The stylists for Singapore Idol seem to think that having coloured hair extensions for EVERYONE and putting them in brand name clothes is transformation enough. Tragic.

The concept of discovering and moulding a future bankable star seems lost in the haze of all the marketing. So does talent really matter? I would submit that perhaps this year's batch is equal to that of the first season, what with all the similarities. Joakim Gomez is 2006's version of Jerry Ong (remember the guy that smiled all through the public backlashing of his croaking?). How about Jasmine Tye and 2004's Daphne Khoo, who might as well be twins tied together by their sweet girly girl and naughty undertones appeal. Does anyone see the similarities between the shocking departure of Mathilda D'Silva and that of first season's Jeassea Thyidor. Both clearly talented, both clearly lacking the fan base. And finally, Hady Mirza...the man even judge Florence Lian joked to be another Taufik. But that's a good thing...

So both batches are equal in qualities, and perhaps even by the standards of talent. But are the contestants truly the best the nation has to offer? Is it believable that people like Joakim and Jerry were chosen because they really were some of the top undiscovered talents in Singapore? Or is this just manipulation on the part of the show's producers to generate controversy and of course the resulting viewership? After all, conflict creates great television. Clearly it is not something anyone would be willing to admit. But it IS completely unbelievable that an industry veteran like Dick Lee would sanction their selection, since it would clearly put his own credibility into question.

A singing competition it may be, a television show it is, and the character mix can tip the ratings and profit scales. However, while it is great to have a profitable show, credibility is key to the concept and overall success of the show. The credibility of the show actually lies on how big the winner will eventually be and this fuels the fire for future seasons. Obviously, American Idol understands that, judging by the resultant number ones and album sales figures that are religiously documented and revealed by the show's producers.

Does Singapore Idol generate enough credibility among viewers? Does it really provide the framework for the development of an artiste that is truly international in standard? Does it deserve to go the distance into its third, fourth and even sixth season like American Idol?

You vote. You decide.

The Perils of Watching TV

So I caught a bad bug in the gym. The very same day I met Alvin. Great.

I have to put it down as one of those days you can tell yourself you are never too old to learn something new. I learned that given a chance, if I didn't put on my Glamazon bzt bzt facade, I am apparently attractive to others. And so I learned the pleasure and gratification of having a really hot Chelsea mantype ask for my number.

And then I fell sick for a week. Great.

Between gasping for air and not being sure if I was going to make it this time, since my asthma is getting worse and my friend did die from it, I spent whatever time in bed watching tv.

Two shows shot out.

America's Next Top Model Cycle 6.


They had this beeaaattcchh of a texan girl called Dani come on proclaiming to be the biggest conservative, republican who hates affirmative action, blacks, gays, moslems and the list went on and on.

Well of course the panel comprising of Ms Tyra, Ms Jay, and Mr Jay would zoom in on the most important bit. Her hatred for gays. Dani would go on to say that she was aware of gay people, being in the cheerleading squad, but that she could not agree with the lifestyle and she had to be true to her church.

DING. The match began.

The trio in the panel made a declaration that almost everyone in the fashion industry that mattered were, (single click counter clockwise swing in the air), GAY.

And they warned Dani that everything that she was against was celebrated in the fashion industry. Hell, Tyra once said the best walks on the runway were by girls who imitated drag queens. True. Touche.

I realized how ignorant some women were. And regardless of their acquaintanceship with gay people, they may still harbour prejudices.

I can't forget how Tod's partner, Stephanie reduced every single thing that has happened to just the gay guy trying 'very hard' as she put it, to take him away from her.

At first I was offended since I thought I was helping. Then I told myself to understand what she may have already gone through. Friends keep telling me women have intuition, they know. But sometimes they can't carry out the logical because of reasons such as love, practicality, age etc. And she is way older than Tod. And after twenty one years, what other life can she imagine for herself for the last few decades she may have.

Then weeks later, I got mad again. Then I remembered how I was when I was in the fashion industry. I was one of the nicer ones according to people, but I never took crap. If I was to put on my fashion cap and return to the diva persona, I would tell her:

"Look Beeeatttccchhhh, don't be giving me no attitude cuz I was doing you a favor, you hear me? And if you know what's good for you, you would get your ass off your sorry penthouse couch and get yourself tested and start loving yourself first before some man who has cheated on your for 8 solid years! But just cuz you have tried to reduce me to some whore, let me do you another favor. When you least expect it, when you think the coast is clear, when Tod has lied so low until he thinks he can start cheating on you again, and he will because muddafucka he is an ass and cock loving gay man who is fucking you because you are a timeshare, I will show you the evidence in living color, and maybe then you will realize that I had nuthin' to do with what he is. And he will keep on fucking men whether I am in his life or not. And here is another thing, you should have let him keep me because I would have been your only frontline against getting any disease from him, and you would have still been able to keep him in your fuckin' home. Now take that to your momma and cry because you know it's the truth! And if your pyschic friend was a as good as she seems, she would have told you this by now too!"

Gee I was never really good at trash talk. Zim used to make fun of me and called me Shequoia. Sigh.

Nevertheless being gay cannot be the worse thing on Earth. There have been so many accomplished gay men and women in history. Hell, every single significant boy band with the exception of Take That has had a gay member come out.

Ive been reading the experiences of some gay + married men. And most possess self hate for being gay. Internal homophobia. Most fear losing their lives as they know it. All very real. But some of these men are so selfish to want it all. And whoever loves them end up hurt.

I have heard so many people say the best way to end the middle east crisis is to drop a bomb on Israel and Lebanon. Maybe the same solution for gay + married men who want it all? Just get rid of them. They have no moral conscience about who they hurt. Would this solve anything? Probably no.

It still angers me that Stephanie saw me as nothing but cheap Asian gay trash. And while my trash talk is terrible, I do think that maybe I should pounce like a cheetah when I get back to NY soon. Tod can never run and hide permanently, and guys who lie a lot like him usually trip over their own deceit. It would be a matter of time.

Then I watched Grey's Anatomy Season 2.

And somehow, Meredith and McDreamy have become friends. Which was what I was trying to achieve when Tod called me that first time after months. Of course by then, he had moved on so fast that he found someone else to date and to almost get serious with. And someone he shared intimacies with that should have been shared with me. That hurts. Really hurts.

I used to tell him that when I ask a question it usually means I already know the answer. I warned him it was in my nature to want to know. It hurt more to know that he could tell me a bold faced lie. And I am sure til today he still thinks that I must have laid a trap for him. He probably cannot fathom the fact that NY is not as big as it seems, and people do make friends, and friends talk, even if they don't know previous histories. Is it not interesting to find out things when people are just sharing with no other intentions?

The only thing holding me back from being my worst nightmare is that unfortunately, I love him. For his warts and lies, I do. He has little if any, redeeming qualities. Yet I do.
I would have been happy to just know he was in NY when I would come back. And be able to walk the dog like Meredith and McDreamy. And just talk. Because I like to believe the feelings we shared were real.

Perhaps they weren't on his side. But luckily for him, they are real for me. And while I sometimes wonder the what ifs after watching Grey's Anatomy, it's the only thing that is stopping me from trash talking in person.

Who knows, maybe in a subplot, in my weakened health, I will end up in hospital and some cute doctor will fall for me, ugly and hanging on drips, like the other storyline between the blonde and that really cute guy!
_________

footnote:

I recently has a chance to talk to yet another married gay man. I seem to be a magnet for them. Anyway I said to him, you sucked cock. Yes. You like cock. Yes. How do you go from cock to fish? What is the attraction? His answer: The cock that is fucking the fish.

And I thought that was the funniest yet brutally honest thing a married gay guy could ever say....:-)

Santino Rice and Designs on 73rd Street

OMG

I watched a rerun of Project Runway 2's catch up show, and Santino Rice said this:

"I do not regret what I said, but I regret if it made people feel bad."

What the f@#k does that mean? It's like saying,"I don't regret that I am about to plunge a knife into your stomach, but I do regret if it makes you feel bad."

I remember having a similar conversation with Tod. And I said that Americans have a tendency to use positive virtues, like honesty for example, to cover bad behavior.

Every sentence, every word, every action has a corresponding consequence. I think Americans have lost out on that fact because so many of their people literally get away with blue murder: OJ Simpson, Michael Jackson, President Bush.

Tod used to say whatever he wanted, and he would say afterwards that was who he was. WHO he was! He would put me down and make disparagng comments on my body and other personality attributes and then basically say he was being honest.

Well, here is honesty. The first picture is Santino. The second Tod. Don't they look alike? Same big ears, same big nose, same beard. Except that Tod's picture was professionally taken, and the real face really does look like Santino. Geez.


On a separate subject, it's funny. Sometimes I feel like my life is moving at a pace I don't understand just yet. I was watching an episode of Living with Fran and I realized it was the same one I was watching in NY. Thing is I had to run out of the door or something and I missed out on it then. I just remembered that Mr Sheffield from The Nanny came back to act as Fran's ex husband in this sitcom. And I remembered how great it was that two friends got reunited for work after all these years.

Sometimes I think if Tod wasn't acting like the paranoid drug stabilized guy that he was, we could have had something decent. But then again, I would always be Meredith Grey. And as my friends have pointed out, his girlfriend would always see me as a money grabbing FOB Asian who saw her ex CD current moregaythanstraight partner as a cash cow...which of course, as they also pointed out, means she is not living in reality.

Tragic.

Gratitude Journal/What have you done today...#8

Some time ago, a fortune teller said I have moved far away from who I am. I think this was a general statement because in my view, corporatization made me lose touch with the person that I was.

I remember being part of the Warner family. And I remember leaving. And how the people there rallied by my side, and supported me. I felt so loved, so appreciated. The Dolce bag they got me helped...

Still, I knew I was a good person. And I had passion for life.

Recently, I started dance classes again. I realized that I have lost the rhythm. And I was struggling to get it back. I realize now it is going to be an uphill climb but I am sure if I persevere I will make it.

I think about what has transpired recently and I question if I am a good person. I know everything happens in a dynamic and what I did was more reactionary than anything. But people have choices. Did I make a good one, I don't know.

I know I have been manipulated. Like my feelings did not matter. I know that it hurts that it seems like a liar can get away scott free, that he can be untouched while I am suffering, that he can switch on and off his feelings and his honesty like a tap, while I have to live with thinking what could have been.

I sometimes lay at night thinking about him. Not in a good way, not in a bad way. Just thinking. That there is a person named Tod. And that by some twist of fate we met.

I sometimes think how we made love. How I didn't want him to leave afterwards, how it never mattered how it looked or what his background was. He often doubted why I loved him. I just did. And while I bitch about his age and his physical looks, the truth is, when love takes over, you really don't care. he could have been 70 and i probably would still have loved him and being with him.

I was really happy to have even a regular friendship with him, only because it would honor what we had before. And we would not have had to go through such finality. sad thing is, he didn't believe me the last time. the worst thing that a person can do to another is not to leave, but to deprive them of the value of their voice. and i miss his.

so what am i thankful for?

-my dance class that made me feel there was hope in getting back to who i was, and maybe lose a few kilos along the way

maybe i can boogie back to being fabulous.

momma madonna

so i showed my mom madonna's film
and just at the part abt reading scripture, really serious stuff with heavy underscore.
my mom turns to me and says:
WOW durians are selling for 2 dollars today!

talk about missing the point and ruining the mood....

in another scene:
madonna was being warned by israeli security from going into some wise man's grave in the occupied territories...madonna reluctantly agreed, but said to the security guys:
fuckers. pussy fuckers.

there was a pause in the living room.
and then my mom turns to me and asks:

what did she say?

she wanted me to repeat it.

sigh.

moral of the story: mothers and madonna don't mix.

Project Runway and the Long Island Trap

I am so happy Santino Rice did not make it as winner, coz seriously he just isn't nice and his collection sucked.
I am so terrified that he looks and sounds like Tod.
If that was what I fell in love with, the mirror image is scary.

Gratitude Journal/What have you done today...#7

-that my mom is ok
-that while my health isnt great, at least im not messed up like tod and stephanie
-that i cleared my invoices and will get some money at least
-that i have gone back to the gym and in spite of what the trainer said about my body, i had a few really cute white guys check me out. the one outside starbucks was sweet. its odd it can be a touch and go but feels like a lifetime.
-that i dont have to live a lie
-that i had great chicken today
-that i didnt pass out this morning
-that while my wrist hurts my hand is still functioning

but honestly, im not sure if what i did last night is something to be proud about. what was supposed to be a helpful gesture for someone, turned into a nightmare. all the reports say women rather know than not know. i guess stephanie, like tod, is afraid of loss. sometimes i think of tod, and i cry inside. i feel so much pain not because of how he treated me, but because i know in my heart that there is someone inside that yearns to come out fully. i know in my heart that there is good in him. but how can i expect a man who has lived 49 years to literally be reborn. it would take an act of God. i tried to hold on to help him bring that good out of him. perhaps he would then sensitively suggest testing for stephanie. perhaps he would be happier knowing he could talk to someone. he said he didnt trust me. and i guess he was right. because when he did not choose light, i became the one who felt like it was up to him to help stephanie at least help herself. again, that backfired. but at least i tried.

in my heart, i know he loves me in his own twisted bizzare way. and it was clear that no matter what he had said afterwards, his longing and affection never left even after 2 months. but it is clear that a love that is twisted and bizzare is not what i seek. and it saddens me to know that sometimes love just isnt enough.

perhaps it truly isnt possible for a jew and a muslim to be together. surely this is not an issue of differing faiths. but the old adege has come true for me. that you can eat and drink with a jew, but you cannot sleep with one because he will stab you in the back. from a passage out of the good books. i have been stabbed. sadly by the person i loved.

To Turn a Blind Eye

When is it right to turn a blind eye to things? To the child begging on the streets that could be part of a consortium of beggars? To countries that defy international law and commit genocide? To the maiming and killing of cats and dogs?

Recently, I discovered that someone I had been close to before but no longer, was engaging in unprotected sex with other men. Which is his prerogative. Literally, as we say it here in Singapore, it's his own PASAL (malay: business). And while, previous ties means I could not divorce myself from opinion, I should have been able to ignore it and let him live his life the way he chooses.

Life sometimes does not allow that as nothing happens in a vacuum. And whatever we do, will affect others. And in his case, living his life that way would mean endangering a person close to him.

This person has a 21 year relationship with a woman.

The stereotypes are there of course. The advent of the internet allowed him to explore his sexuality. He would go online to share to strangers that he had lost sexual desire for his partner and was only interested in men. That he is conflicted about balancing his sexual needs and his need to protect the love he shared with his partner. He is older. Financially stable. Repressed by society in his youth. Married/common law wife. The profile fits.

Again, how a person chooses to live his life should be his own prerogative no? Perhaps in this case no.

All things remaining equal, the fact remains that his activities out of the household has potentially put his partner at risk of exposure to HIV or STDs. So, in a situation such as this, does a person turn a blind eye? Should anyone with such information let his partner know if they could? Or butt out?

The camps are divided.

There are those who say that she needs to know and ignorance is suicide. Oprah Winfrey has done several shows on men on the down low and the female guests all testified that the first thing they did when they found out their husbands were cheating on them with other men, was to get tested. All of them with no exception said they would have preferred to know than not know.

Then there are those who say that revealing such details is not an external responsibility. That person who engaged in unprotected sex would need to reveal it to his partner if he truly cherished their relationship. It is a matter between a couple and only between a couple.

So where does the responsibility and accountability lie? Surely the man who started it all. But does it also fall on anyone else who come into possession of the information? Does it become their responsibility to let affected parties know?

HIV is still a problem worldwide, and responsible action is always the lesson taught in every HIV center. Does anyone expect a man who cheats on his partner to be responsible enough to come clean about his activities? It is implausible although at the same time, entirely possible. Statistically? No.

In this man's case, he allowed himself to play raw on the faith of a person's honor, and word. The person he had done it with assured him he was negative. Counsellors in any HIV center will say that the window periods while predictable, are too much of a variable to be toyed with in casual encounters.

The clearest time frame is three months for antibodies to appear from the first point of potential exposure. And if a person is tested negative within those three months, and chooses to engage in unprotected sex again, the window period reopens. If every single casual partner does this, one can never tell who is within and who is out of the window period. Which is why, counsellors encourage monogamy, safe sex and for couples, mutual testing after about six months of safe sex.

No one's word is good. No one should be believed.

It is tragic that this man did. And put his partner's life at risk. He did it, twice and then had sex just last week with his female partner, who has gone through menopause. Suffice to say, as he had revealed in the past, they do not practice safe sex either.

I came into possession of this information. And it had come from the horse's mouth. And I had access to the partner.

Was I supposed to turn a blind eye? Did she not fit the profile as all the other women who had partners on the down low, that they would prefer to know?

So I called.

I could not get her to take the call. And as a friend suggested, I left a message.

What was surprising is that instead of focusing on the potential health risk, she lashed back at me and returned a voice message on my home phone (apparently in a counter move, he had given her my number so that she could defend his honor for him). She was firm in her stand and she was bent on chastising me. That she supported her partner, that he loves her and she loves him, and that she saw the message as harassment. She made some threats, which initially I got offended by seeing that I was trying to help her, but eventually I had to believe that it was a defensive trigger action and she was protecting the only nest she knew for 21 years. They both have a reputation in New York, with him being a former creative chief at Saatchi's and she an established writer. And whenever there are roots, scandal and drama are the shovels that can destroy that and people tend to instinctively go into protection mode first, logic last. Whatever it was, she chose not to entertain even the possibility that there could be truth that her partner had exposed her to health risks.

Her blind faith in him also made her lose sight of the fact that he has cheated on her repeatedly with members of the same sex, that his love for her was not enough to keep him away from his carnal desires, that this was not about the whos and the whens, it was about what he is: that he is more gay than bisexual, that this would not stop and it had nothing to do with her womanhood, and more importantly that he would not stop engaging in unsafe practices.

Love can truly lead people into euphoria, and it can also lead people into losing perspective. I remember the case of the New Jersey governor who was outed by his Israeli boyfriend. Many would say the boyfriend was a jerk. But not many would know the true dynamics of their relationship. Was he a home wrecker? A gold digger? Perhaps. But then again, what sort of man would keep his foreign lover in an apartment a few doors down from where his family lived. What sort of man would pretend to be the perfect husband, father, community leader, then hide away to explore his other desires?

What I remembered clearly though was how during the press conference to announce his resignation over the scandal, his wife stood by him with a firm stance and a loving face. Like a rock, like Hillary with Bill, she stood by her husband, presumably because of love, since a unified stand is better than breaking down in the eyes of the public and their respective families. And this in spite of the betrayal and infidelities. Sometimes ignoring what is logically true can also mean a denial of further hurt and perhaps buy people the chance to return to a semblance of the life once led.

But as we all know, she divorced him. He moved out. And has found a boyfriend.

That story allowed for new beginnings. But what if the governor had exposed his partner to HIV or STDs? Would she still have stood by him and supported him? Probably. But would it allow for new beginnings? Probably not.

Personally, I have learned a painful lesson that the best of intentions can sometimes be met with misplaced hatred. That the provision of crucial information can be seen as interference especially by the guilty. That the messenger can be taken as evil. And this in spite of Oprah's famous mandate, that knowledge is power.

That man who engaged in unsafe sex, told me many times that life for him was shades of grey, and full of complications. I used to counter that and say we should make it our goal to live life as simply as possible. I guess some people chase after complications, and prefer drama.

I still believe that some drama however should be experienced alone for it is not fair to involve anyone else in that. And with that, the biggest lesson learned here is that sometimes it is necessary to turn a blind eye, especially to people who choose to be blind to reality themselves.

JaT

ps. as Asians we are brought up to believe that our elders are wiser because of the life experiences they have accumulated through the years. Sadly, in a case like this, with the man being all of 49 years, this is not true. There is no wisdom, there is no role model to follow. Sad. And yes, I have lost complete respect for this man. And no, there will be no more contact.