A Night at the Grand

I have always loved the Grand Hyatt.

There is something nice about it, especially on the Club floors. I love the decor, the feel, the concepts.



The Grand in Singapore had a makeover and relaunched their cafe into a high end local gourmet restaurant called Straits Kitchen. My friend had just returned from London and it was appropriate to bring him back home, food wise.



Glam to the max, we ate anything from Chilli Crab to Tandoori Chicken to Lemang. Our stomachs got fatter, and our pockets got leaner.

But still, it is the Grand. Love it...

Naked In Bed Launch 2005

Transcript from “The Fridae Show”, first broadcast 27 October 2005.

Guest: Shah
Host: Glamboy

__________________________________________________________________

So here we are, the first of many projects that will be unleashed to the world from October 28, 2005. Starting with a long form music video with the message of loss. Part of a bigger collection called Naked in Bed that covers all media, the music video is described as raw and real, and shamefully personal. A pre-release music short is about to hit the internet, a curious move insiders say might backfire. In an email interview, Shah gives the low down on the project and the reasons why.

-tell us abt this short music video...

I have always felt that you need to channel negative energies into something positive. A few months ago, I fell in love. and to cut a long story short, fell from grace soon after. I knew even then that I had to record that significant moment in my life.

The video was shot, edited and final rendered on the day that the person I was in love with and I were supposed to separate. I knew that I would always want to remember, regardless of how painful it was. You learn from these experiences, and you grow, and so you should never forget. You do forgive, but never forget.

-but isn't it narcissistic to put yourself there? seems acted...

They were my emotions and they were raw. Nothing was acted. When I looked at a direction, I was thinking of him. When I looked at the camera, I was thinking of him.

-the music seems appropriate?

It is a song by Indonesian divas and the lyrics are very spot on. And when this happened, I listened to it so many times. So many times. It was a song I had asked him to download. Funny, but to this day I don’t think he did…

-is this something he should be remembered for? someone who says he would do something but never does?

No. Far from it. I want to remember him as the unlikely man I fell in love with. And he does keep most of his promises. I fell in love with him partly because of that.

-but it didn't work out? yet you seem to still hold a torch for him. why?

I guess a big part of me inside felt I knew him. And I knew he was scared, uncertain. I felt perhaps he would turn around. Because I believe that love will overcome. I believed in him. More than i have anyone else. I believed also in the potential of what we could be together, really happy and always moving forward for the rest of our lives, not needing to look beyond ourselves for our needs. It would have been more than a New York minute.

-so has any part of that changed in you?

Tell you a story. About six years ago I met someone in New York that I fell so hard for. He ended up dumping me in Times Square on a rainy night, literally told me to get out of his car and called me names. But a year later, we got back together in a way. He said we had a connection that was deeper than deep and he was so attracted to me. And even though he was already seeing someone then, against my better judgment and because I totally lost my heart to him, I continued the relationship. But in the end, when the heat was on, he called me names again, and he said something like he was totally happy in his relationship and that I had no right to ask him for anything and that I should understand not to interfere in his relationship. That was the first time I felt that he was being honest about it all. He put things in perspective, about who he was as a person, and what I had allowed myself to become.

I didn’t want to allow that to happen to me again. I realized this year that I am worth more than that.

-how does this apply to what happened prior to Naked?

He cares for me, and I know he loves me. But I didn't want to regress and be that person I was with Mr Times Square. But at the same time I am weak. For I love him dearly. So it was painful and I honestly couldn't do it, but my friends and my ex literally pulled me out of my environment and dumped me in a place I had no opportunity to focus on it. I started to come back to myself.

-so is it all dead now? impossible to recover even a friendship? certainly Naked seems to be about loss but even in loss one can weave something new....

I can't say it is dead. And yes I do believe that something can evolve from this. A part of me still hopes he would choose me because I think inside, even he knows I can make him happy. But you can't make people see what you already know when they are not ready. People respond easily to fear. And it is natural to want to stick to your comfort zone. I believe we are not meant to be on this earth to patrol another person's movements. People will do what they want to or what their instincts lead them to. and they will always find ways to make that happen. i guess if I want to not lose it all, I need to believe that in time he will respond to his instincts...and who knows, we get a friendship or a better loving relationship...although quite honestly the last I know of, he has washed his hands of me...

-again?

See this is the thing...I may stay away, but I will never be away. I have never been that way with anyone. Maybe it's a fault but others find it easy to work in absolutes. I can't do that.

-do you think his decision was just one made of fear and denial of his true self?

Tell you another story. A man I met in Korea, a self proclaimed ex-bisexual man, told me a story of his friend in Washington, DC who was largely nice but cold and difficult. He was apparently sexually frustrated, even with a wife to play with. Eventually he divorced his wife and has since been out there playing the field. He discovered his sexual nature and the freedom of not being tied down to societal expectations made him, well, nice. Extraordinary things happen when people are true to themselves.

-so you think he would benefit from being more open and responsive about his needs?

Yes.

-do you still love him?

Yes.

-any conditions there?

No. I told him I will always love him. And I do. I know what my well meaning friends have said. I know from an external viewpoint the logic of staying away is right. That being around him is counterproductive to his self awareness. But love is not logical, otherwise we can choose who we fall in love with. He and I happened. He is special. He is valuable. He may not be perfect but he is ideal in my eyes.

-but you bowed to pressure and stayed away…

Again, it was hard. I had friends who literally would boycott me if I got in touch with him. And I am so transparent I wouldn’t be able to lie. I kept tabs my own way. I needed him to know I am still here. I see him online a lot, so I am assuming he has moved on or found someone else. I also suspect he found a new job or some other distraction. I would be so proud and validated to know he found a new job, since I always believed in his talents. But I guess being around him now would be even more of a distraction. Do I want him to call me, yes. Do I want to talk to him, yes.

-there is a but...

Unfortunately. A part of me already knows he is capable of hardening his heart if he wants or needs to be mean. I have felt that before. It crushes me. I fear that he would do it again. No matter how gorgeous I may be in his eyes, or how nice, I am not enough. Although this was never a choice of who was enough. This is about who we are as people.

A friend of mine told me of a Taiwanese friend of his who had an affair with a supposedly bisexual guy for 7 years in New York, and the guy had a girlfriend who even encouraged him to sleep with the Taiwanese in the hope it would get out of his system. So on one hand, you had this girl who thought she was being understanding, this guy who was in love, and this man in between who was juggling. But there was always a sense that following societal lines would win. Eventually, the Taiwanese realized being in that equation meant he would forever be the losing party. Being in it meant the American had the best of both worlds and in that comfort zone never have to face up to his true destiny, being out of it meant not having his love.

-so what happened?

The Taiwanese guy left the American. And true to his fears, the American guy let it happen. He had nothing to lose either way, for the guy had someone regardless. The girlfriend meanwhile was delusional to think that he would change and that this ‘conclusion’ was the end of it. He was searching for other men soon after. This guy is the typical bisexual asshole that most gay people have come to recognize and try to avoid like the plague.

-so what's the deal then. are you avoiding him like the plague? are you giving him up?

No. He is like a part of my heart. I know he probably wants me out of his life by now or be in it under some strict conditions. Like I will talk to you but it's only if I have time after I go to the movies with my girlfriend. Still, he should know I am true to my word. I told him I love him and cannot just disappear. And I told him I knew we would have been happy together. But I need to be happy with me first.

-but you are not around...

I had to cope. I am still trying to see if I can control my heart and see him as a friend. I don’t know what would be worse, to be able to control my heart or to have him want me as a friend. Or not even. But nothing is absolute.

-any regrets?

Of meeting him? No. Of how it turned out? I'm not sure although it seemed almost like the logical conclusion took control. I did feel bad that it almost seemed like our time together afterwards was secondary to his real time activities. Which made me unreal, like a cyber friend. Then i remembered how it felt when my first ex and Mr Times Square did that to me. I became real only if I was in the US. There was no real commitment. I really did not want to feel like something that works around another schedule. I believe it is all about the will. And if he was willing it will happen. And maybe to some degree it did. I don't know how he feels now. And there is little way to find out.

-you are busy with your stuff too, traveling and such.

Yes I have been blessed, and have met some really nice people.

-any plans to go back to New York?

I was supposed to go back this week to be honest. Well actually to LA but I was going to pop over for Halloween. And I was going to surprise him. But then again that could have backfired terribly! He may actually say, I am happy in my relationship etc etc etc and then it's Mr Times Square all over again....

-did you ever wish you could travel with this guy?

Oh yeah. In fact we talked a lot about that initially. But I wanted to offer him a lot more, a totally new beginning with a lot of possibilities. Creative sparring partner, travel companion, lover, friend, pet sitter, a family who would love him. I wanted to cook for him and had learned some recipes. I wanted to learn about his culture as much as I wanted him to learn mine. I sometimes still fantasize that he would get on a plane and surprise me by being in Singapore. Or call me and say he loves me a lot and to come back. Or that he somehow manages to track me down no matter what I did. It’s a nice dream.

-you have not let go...you’ve dedicated this music video to him…

I guess not. I think he is the last I am willing to share my heart with, because I was so sure this was it. I love him with all my heart. Warts and all. I didn't want perfection from him. But feeling this makes me wonder if we can at least be friends. I don’t know…I hope we can have something still. I wish I had the answer.

-meanwhile the video is making it’s rounds. perhaps he will see it and feel compelled to open the doors…

Perhaps.

-what is the one big thing you have learned from this experience and doing this project?

At the end of the video, I put it some words from my so called suicide note. The one big thing is that my life is too valuable to be given up for anything or anyone, and it's really in God's hands when I am to go. Meanwhile, whatever He throws my way, I am probably strong enough to handle it, and it takes an event to show for me, or anyone for that matter to realize it. I am here, and I will God willing see New York again, and be back in Greece again. The future is open now and who knows what tomorrow brings....

-thank you for your time...

Thank you.

Press Release F/W 2005: Back from the Dead II: I'm Coming

If Size Matters:

Please click on the pictures to enLARGE...
or (since we all need options)
Go to http://www.anthemedia.com/pressrelease/naked%20in%20bed.pdf

Press Release F/W 2005: Back from the Dead

Just A Thought Final: Who.

I have always been told I could write. And I have always used writing as a way to put my thoughts on the table and to iron them out. Sometimes I fail, for even words cannot capture the depth of what I feel.

Other thoughts are clear and final. Even in the blackest of emotions. So here it is. To be posted on the blog as a remembrance. Dedicated to SN, JL, IB, CW, HSM, KC, SHR, EL and T.

Just a Thought 14 August 2005: Who.

--------------------------------------------------------

I am a believer in the good in people.

I am a believer in the value of friendship.

I am a believer in the thickness of blood over water.

I am a believer in hope.

I am an optimist, a pessimist, a realist.

I am a thinker and a feeler.

I am creative and I am logical.

I am a soul living in God's graces.

I am a little boy that believes in fairy tales.

I am a dreamer that believes in the impossible.

But above all...

I am a believer in the power and beauty of love over all other things.

.....................................................................................................

By the time you read this,

I would be dead.

All that the truths of who I am, will no longer be.

And what I was, is forever burned into these words to remember by.

There will be no present tense. Only past.

No is, just was.

Could, would, should.

Should you mourn, do not grieve.

For at one time or other, I was all of these things.

With a view that I am worthy for happiness and greatness.

Destiny did not smile. Fate did not beckon.

And what is left is ashes for worms.

Goodbye. Apologies.

And know you were truly loved by one so undeserving and empty.

One More For The Road

On a flight back from NY, I had my version of the mile high club. I had fun with myself...and my Canon digital ixus camera. It's amazing what you can do with a mirror...mmmm....goes to show you how fun a 22 hour flight can be...

Now, yet another side of me...

Ok I really don't know what I was thinking. There was a theme for the party. Some costume thing. I think I went in as some Frenchie from the French Countryside, bearing a basket with a hard loaf. Except that I didn't bring my french oaf, I mean loaf. Anyway this was pre-Paris Hilton days but as you can tell from the pictures, she certainly got her signature pose from moi! I should have set a patent or copyright on this over the shoulder look! Anyway I remember now, I did the whole ensemble on purpose to turn on ONE person in the party. Somehow the Chelsea Boy look wasn't going to cut it with that big lump of burning lurrvveeee. By the way the outfit was authentic to my plan and it was some expensive shit bought in Hong Kong at Lane Crawford, both French designers, pants Gaultier (which my mom cut to shreads afterwards sigh).

At least I can say I am versatile, in more ways that one! HA HA HA HA HA!!!! Ah well, back to being an A&F boy. Oh wait, someone told me to lose the look past a certain age. Sigh. I guess I'll have to reconsider Gaultier then....

Btw, one woman in this group turned out to be a backstabbing mother-!@#$ing SOB. oops, I am not bitter :-). I wonder why I am awake at 3 am uploading all this crap. Ever since I got back to Singapore, I have never felt right for some reason. Bad sleeping habits, allergies...gee, and I don't even have a fat black book to make up for that. Sheesh...time to move on.

Rubbing Shoulders

I could never see actors to be more that what they were. People with jobs. I never really got star struck by anyone, except for Linda E. And that was only because she was iconic and she loved my eyes. But that's about it. Sometimes I do wonder what it would be like to trade places. Live their lifestyle. The jets, the cars, the free ticket to anywhere. Staying at the W. Vacationing in the South of France. But this morning I watched Lance 'Live Strong' 'I-Got-Testicular-Cancer' Armstrong's story on Oprah. And you realize that everyone, even stars can lose their balls if it's so fated. And Kylie? She almost lost those boobs. And in any case we are all destined to be worm food anyway. So why place stars on pedestals. You gotta admire King Fahd, who recently passed away. He got buried in an unmarked grave with commoners. See, the Muslim belief is that when you die, you die alone and death is truly the great leveller. We are not supposed to be vain, especially in death. And really, having a beautiful grave or tomb is just a waste of mulah. You are part of the human community and that's all there is to it.

PS. When you look at the picture with Matt, who looks better? Seriously.

Beauty Shots

Ah Days When I was Beautiful...

Magazine Covers

The thing I love about blogging is the ability to express yourself with no fear of judgement. And the ability to be as vain as you want, with no censorship. So here goes. The start of many haha...Vlog coming soon!

Courage to Change

disclaimer: this entry has no bearing on any circumstances, real or imagined in the world today. it is simply a thought process discovered while going shopping for bananas. literally.

_________________________________________________________

I had an epiphany today.

Imagine a situation where you can either choose to keep your life as you know it or take a drastic step to change it to something else. Sure it takes courage to make changes in your life. Sure the unknown is scary. But if the status quo is something that is known and familiar, then you really don't need courage to stay in the same spot. It just simply isn't scary.

When one is trying to decide whether to change or not, it means that the status quo is no longer satisfactory, or else a consideration for change would not even exist. And should courage be needed to assert change, that belief presupposes the change is necessary, even desired, if not already in existence.

Which means, one must be in the position of knowing that it is there, to be able to acknowledge the need for courage. So perhaps, making a change is not as scary as one thinks. For one would already know that change is already in current reality. And the only thing that is unsure of, is whether one is willing to recognize its presence.

When you think about countries that go through revolutions, and people who go through gender re-assignments, and the list of circumstances grow on and on, resistance happens when one does not want to recognize the presence of a new reality and the challenges it could bring. But do we need to fear the future? Doesn't change simply mean second chances, renewed possibilities, unimagined opportunities? Or does it mean sacrifices, pain, eternal uncertainty and destruction? Doesn't change feed a need for a renaissance of sorts, a rejuvenation of past practices in the hope of betterment and fulfilment?

I guess the summary for me is this: if one is considering change, chances are, it's already here. So why fear it?

Just a thought.

Loony Tunes

I am as done as an over roasted chicken
As over as a done deal
As finished as a bad movie
As bad as a finished meal

Whoopie let's toast the dead duck
Loopy like the loon called Daffy
No one will miss the smells in the oven
Totally Nuked and Fried by Acme

TADA

Pray for the dearly departed
But never cry a tear of pity
WHEEEEEEEE to the unworthy
would that me or me or me?

Buhbye says Bugs
That's all folks hee hee ha ha
Rub the rabbit's foot you fool
Maybe there is no ta ta

BIG FINISH

RIP RIP RIP
Three times for luck
But really when the cartoon is over
Who gives a flying fuck

Poem No.1 | 05

we seek the specter of coincidence
gathering grains of hope from the ground
connecting dots in an undrawn map
telling truth nor knowingness, none around

with light in heart, smiling openly
acceptance abundant, such careless desires
filling the void long forgotten
sending the souls to places higher

blinding flashes, sepia toned speed
lives led, lost, leaves lives left empty
unknowing, unknown unearths the covered void
digging deeper that the deepest sea

beauty remains as beauty appears
quickly, suddenly it comes and goes
at once enriching, again dividing
separating, turning lovers and foes

in the vacant void of hades unrest
the shades of possibility points to nowhere
burned bridges conceal no chances
to regain what's lost over there

we stand alone, yearning as we seek
the joy of the deserved, the freedom to fly
tracing dots on a path to each other
knowing the truth of no more goodbyes

When Opposites Collide

SO CUTE HOR? I'm the pussy hahaha :-)

Lessons from High School: Riverdale High

I met John Travolta. I asked him which movie he made was his favorite. Being the politically correct person he is, he didn't give an outright answer.

Which is odd considering for the 20th anniversary of Grease, he claimed the movie musical was his favorite. And while I am not a big JT fan, that movie is one of mine.

There was something magical about it. From the opening score of Love Is A Many Splendoured Thing, which can trigger my mom's retelling of the tragic love story between a Chinese girl and a Caucasian man that inspired the song; to the ethereal visual quality of JT in silhouette at the drive in when he sang Sandy.

They don't make movies like that anymore, where the spirit of the film makers literally pounce out of the screen. Where simple story telling is really the key to a great movie.

Friendships, love, heartache are all taken in micro doses, with no concerns of the global, more macro view on things. What I found appealing was this idea that love can be simple, even as life can throw a curve ball, and love can make even the hardiest person change.

In the last bits of dialogue, Danny Zucko says, "You know you guys are important to me, but Sandy is too, and I'm going to do anything to get her."

Of course, thanks to movie magic, Sandy was also transforming herself to be more like her man.

While feminists these days would scoff at the idea of changing their identities for a man, there is a very appealing quality in the idea that two people would be willing to move mountains to be with their lovers.

People don't live in a vacuum, and in a relationship, it is never about two strong individual personalities trying to cram into one space. Still it is beautiful in its simplicity.  That love changes everything.

Even the closing scene, where the characters wonder what would happen after graduation. And whether they would be together. The answer, as it may have been when we were all in high school, was simple.

We go together like
rama lama lama
ke ding a de dinga a dong
remembered for ever like
shoo bop shoo wadda wadda yipitty boom de boom

Chang chang chang-it-ty chang
shoo-bop
That's the way it should be
Wha oooh yeah!

We're one of a kind
Like dip di-dip di-dip
Doo-bop a doo-bee doo
Our names are signed
Boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy
boog-e-dy
Shoo-by doo-wop she-bop
Chang chang chang-it-ty chang
shoo-bop

We'll always be like one
Wa-wa-wa-waaa!

Can life be that simple. Do we complicate our own existence with the whys, wherefores, therefores and the shoud'ves, could'ves and would'ves? Can our feelings be pared down to its barest minimum, in an attempt to be as honest as we possibly can.

Can we economize our words, our adjectives, our verbs to keep things short and sweet. For example:

Sandy can't you see
i'm in misery
We made a start
Now we're apart
There's nothin' left for me
Love has flown
All alone I sit
And wonder wh - yi-yi-yi
Oh why you left me
Oh Sandy

Oh Sandy, baby, someday
When High School is done
Somehow someway
Our two worlds will be one
In heaven forever
And ever we will be
Oh please say you'll stay
Oh Sandy

And even faced with rejection, with fear and even confusion, can the outlook still be kept positive. We all have a tendency to give in to the negatives, but can it not be that even while the situation may be bleak, our true desires aren't? For example:

Guess mine is not the first heart broken, my eyes are not the first to cry
I'm not the first to know, there's just no gettin' over you

I know, I'm just a fool who's willing to sit around and wait for you
But baby can't you see, there's nothin' else for me to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you

But now there's nowhere to hide, since you pushed my love aside
I'm not in my head, hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you, hopelessly devoted to you

My head is saying "fool, forget him", my heart is saying "don't let go"
Hold on to the end, that's what I intend to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you

Perhaps keeping it simple is to trust your heart and do the illogical. Perhaps the clearest path is the one that does not see into the future. We dump crap on ourselves because as we grow into adulthood, all our actions are based on our future yields. We think about consequences and potential failures instead of living for today. That is not to say we are to ignore our responsibilities and the rejecting accountability for our actions. It just means living life simply and enjoying it means to make the best of what you have today.

Sometimes I think we are not meant to try to grasp the big picture all the time. It's not within our reach, our capacities are limited. We should leave that to God and have faith that if we keep ourselves open day by day, the big picture will be ok. Perhaps we are meant to take our life experiences as little drops in the ocean, so that we are better able to digest and understand them.

Maybe life should be like a song from Grease. Abbreviated. Clean. Simple. Short. Sweet. Life may then return to what it was in high school, with not too much drama.

What's that playing on the radio?
Why do I start swaying to and fro?
I have never heard that song before
But if I don't hear it anymore

It's still familiar to me
Sends a thrill right through me
Cause those chords remind me of the night that I first fell in love to
Those magic changes
My heart arranges
A melody that's never the same
A melody that's calling your name
And begs you please come back to me
Please return to me don't go away again
Oh, make them play again
The music I wanna hear as once again you whisper in my ear
Ooh my darlin'

I'll be waiting by the radio
You'll come back to me some day I know
Been so lonesome since our last goodbye
But I'm singing as I cry-iy-iy

While the bass is sounding while the drums are pounding
Beatings of my broken heart will rise to first place in the
charts
Oh my heart arranges
Oh those magic changes

Whoa-whoa-ah-oh
Whoa-whoa-ah-oh yeah
Oooooo

What Lies Ahead

i guess i must be improving. they say u need to hit rock bottom before you get back up.
ive relearned what it means to feel empty. like nothing means anything anymore. nothing makes sense.
my mistake was allowing myself to believe in the fairy tale. when there is no such thing.
i went against my cynicism and chose to believe in the possibilities.
but there are no happy endings. the only consolation is at least now i know for sure. thats not my destiny.
so im meant for something else, i wonder what that could be.
i hate the corporate world. i hate liars. i hate the notion of love because its all a farce.
everyone lies, cheats, everyone is out for their own selfish gain.
so why bother.
there is no meaning in it.
just a big blank numbness at the centre of my forehead.

The One

"I've been dating since I was 16...where is he??!"
Charlotte York pre-Goldenblatt, Sex and the City


They say that part of our life mission is to be on a search to find our other halves. But in world of billions, that person might not even be on the same continent. Even if you believe you are in the right place, the possibilities are still endless and the chances of meeting that special someone the first time around is literally one in a million. With so many choices out there, how many do you have to date before you tell yourself you have found 'the one'?

We are always asked by well meaning friends and family, what our ideal partner would be like. More often than not, there would be a list of physical attributes that we would consider most attractive. Then, there would be a set of values that hopefully would be attached to that gorgeous being.

A atypical answer could be: He/She has to be taller/shorter, with blonde/brunette hair, dark/blue eyes, with the the top measuring (X inches) and waist (X inches). Oh and he/she has to be trustworthy, career oriented, loves animals, travels the world and does charity in his/her free time.

And there lie the problems. For one thing, the perfect package, while entirely possible, may be a Hollywood driven ideal. We have seen that in the movies, where the cute, young, successful person can do it all and has room for a partner within that busy lifestyle. But what movie do you know of that is being played right outside your door? More importantly though, for one to dream of such an ideal state, one must be deserving of it. Meaning, are you living that ideal; are you that ideal to begin with? They say like attracts like, so how many of your friends do you know wants to marry Tom Cruise but looks like Marge Simpson?

Sure we all have our fantasies. And that's not wrong. But shouldn't our fantasies be tempered with a dose of reality from looking at the mirror?

Let's say, for argument's sake, that you are absolutely realistic about yourself, and you know what you deserve. Does this make it any easier? Do the options get narrowed down? Chemistry aside, there would still be a whole world of possibilities out there.

A friend of mine asked me last night, can you give up meeting all these great people in New York to settle with one person. While I knew my instinctive answer, I wondered what the realistic one would be. When would you know for sure that the search is over? What would tell you the search ends right here?

And New York in particular, with its incredibly droolicious buffet of bods and backgrounds, and no one is a Xerox copy of each other, how can you tell which one satisfies most, if not all of your needs? The truth is, I am not longer certain that any one person can satisfy everything. If that were the case, then people would live in cocoons big enough for two, and they would not need to socialize beyond that. Still, we aren't talking friendship. And the bigger issue is what would stop you cold from dating anymore, to be taken off the market, and off the shelf. What would settle you down with One as opposed to the many.

It is not an easy thing to draw quick conclusions. But as I grow older, I am realizing the one does not need to have the complete package like a Ken or Billy doll. And more often than not, the one is not about the total package in your fantasy, but a total package in terms of care: a care package.

Two of the writers from Sex and the City wrote a book last year. I will spare you the details but there was a section that redefined dating in the new millennium. And they focused on the values that you should be applying to yourself and to others when you are searching for the one.

Basically beyond the superficiality of the looks and the career etc, what binds people together is truly the values they share. And the boundaries they realistically have to set. What can they live with, or not live with? How do they want to be treated, and how they would treat that person. What codes of behavior would best show the person for who he/she is?

Then it became clearer. There is code you can adhere to, one that is not based on the ideal package but one based on the care package.

Does he/she keep his/her word? For example, when they said they would call at a certain time, do they?
Do they consistently keep in touch with you because you are priority one?
Have they rejected you before then decide to come back to you for reasons known only to them?
Do they break appointments with you?
Do they have a pattern of deception?
Does he/she want to change you or accepts you for who you are, warts and all but encourages your growth?
Do they show by action that they care for you, as opposed to just saying it?
Are they excited about being around you? Not the kind of excitement of first lust/passion/dating, but on an everyday basis?
Do they say they love you but are not sure that they are in love with you? Is that something you are willing to accept? (note: the book says that 'I Love You' means 'I don't want to hurt you' and 'I am not sure I am in love with you' means 'I am not in love with you'. Simple but real.

Are they around when you need them, and even when you don't?

There will always be someone else more physically attractive, someone richer, someone better educated, and the list goes on. But what is a fit for you needs to be based on the values you hold dear. And perhaps once you understand yourself on that level, then the choices really do get narrowed down to 'the one', It may take some time, it may be a tedious process, but if this is for the rest of your life, is it not worth investing the time? And once you do find a fit, is it not time to say you can give up meeting all these other great people. Even in New York. Because by that time, the one great person for you is already by your side.

USA 2005 : New York

Like a moth to a flame burnt by the fire...and so the song goes. There is no other city like it. And it has worked hard to deserve the accolades it receives. Even in the face of defeat at the Olympics bid, New York and it’s inhabitants have shown its true mettle, where the instinct to survive surpasses even the spirit of the games. There is much to say about it, and perhaps the account below is still too simplistic and touristy. Still, there is really no single way to encapsulate the thoughts is there?

Will & Grace. The View. Rice to Riches. Dog poo on the sidewalk. Glitter on the 43rd and 8th pavement. Buses that deflate to street level. How can one person live more in a few months that he did in a few years? It is a solid case of nurture versus nature. Where the environment and socialization is sole evidence in the evolution of a human being.

New York is like a maddening circus; a hub of activity. Many have tried to put how they feel about the city into words and visuals. Many are still trying to capture the essence of this great cosmopolitan aria. What cannot be described in words is instead felt in every nook and cranny of the city. From the traditions of European architecture, to the sprawling post Trump skyscrapers. It is also seen in the faces of the diverse people, weather worn and resilient. Truly, that may very well be the core of the city. The spirit that is a constant in every facet that binds its energy. When you talk to a New Yorker, borough dweller or Manhattanite, regardless of how they may complain or gripe about their existence in a mostly unforgiving place, you will discover a common thread. For reasons that may be personal, they all love New York. Regardless of their heritage, it is this common bond that seems to tie the city together. Let me share some reasons I have discovered as to why I love New York.

The Seasons

I arrived in the dead of winter. For someone fresh out of the tropics, snow storms were a treat. I could finally see how snow can create the magic of Christmas. How fantastic it felt to have the first feathery flakes fall on your face. Most people might hate it, but the opportunity to wear layers of clothing was in itself an adventure, each time you tried to get out to do even the most basic things. And you learn to appreciate a good hot Chantico from Starbucks. But as Winter faded into Spring, a whole new sensibility set in. Suddenly, there were talks of cherry blossoms, and colors began to change from browns and greys to greens, reds and yellows. I suppose it is the best way to understand the cycle of life, that things move in a continuum and there is a constant renewal of energies. You get to wear less clothes in spring, and perhaps the shedding of the layers is the best metaphor for the changes that one inevitably has to face in life. Life should never be a plateau. And perhaps that is why living in New York is so exciting. Nothing remains the same. And one quickly finds that with so much to experience, life literally can zip by, and before you know it, you are in your winter years and ready to pass the role of world changer to a new generation. Oh but what a way to grow old! I am fortunate though that I remained in the US just as summer was taking over. Things got hot, in more ways than one. People became even more visible as they flocked to the beaches to flaunt the bodies they worked so hard for during the colder months. Street festivals and public events drew people out of their homes into the bright sunshine. You couldn’t help but to taste optimism in the air, and the feeling of gratitude just to be alive and to be in the moment.

It would be hard for me to go back to a single season climate. Where change is not the norm, where there is no distinct sense of something to keep looking forward to. To know that even if one season is bad, the next one could be great!

The Arts

I now hate the tourists that walk like headless chickens in Times Square. But that does not change how I feel about the place. I am, and always have been totally in love with it. It is perhaps partly due to my inherent love for the theatre. I have always felt a night at the theatre is like an event. Something you look forward to, to get psyched about. In New York, theatre just can’t get any better. This year, my secret desire was to meet people who were part of the New York theatre community.

I was blessed. I became friends with someone who was involved in the set building. His stories of the creation of the car in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was like an insight to the behind the scenes going ons. I also got to know a performer who is part of the case of the Lion King. I guess meeting actors in New York should not be a surprise. Certainly, there are many. But these are people whose livelihoods depended on their craft, and deserve respect, unlike in Singapore where there is no real long term prospect to survive as an artiste.

New York is also the place where big stars lose their publicists and agents and become accessible. My friend Eric and I made it a point to meet the actors after a performance. We were fortunate to meet Cherry Jones (2005 Best Actress Tony winner), Jurassic Park’s Jeff Goldblum, Christian Slater and Stealth’s Josh Lucas among others.

The choices were endless. And thanks to a friend who was a bigger theatre enthusiast than me, I discovered that there was more theatre than I realized in locations other than in and around Times Square. I watched the excellent R rated (or at least it should be) Avenue Q, Doubt, The Glass Menagerie, Sweet Charity, The Pillowman, Slava’s Snowshow, Swimming in the Shallows, Birdie Blue, La Cage Aux Folles, and The Cherry Orchard.

The truth about theatre is that the audience are voyeurs, quietly learning vicariously through depictions of life as seen through the eyes of the playwright, and fleshed out by the expressions of the actors and directors. While some shows were a total yawn, others force you into areas you would rather not contemplate. The Pillowman was disturbing, with themes of child abuse and murder most foul. Watching Birdy Blue was like taking a bite out of a rotting fruit, as it depicted a life that was slowly deteriorating in spite of the protagonist’s best efforts to avoid it. It made one wonder, why go on if things are just stacked against you. It made one think that while it is true there is always someone else worse off than you, the only situation that matters is your own, and no one can judge what your acceptance level of that situation should be. See, it is hard to watch theatre and not have a reaction or response. It keeps you real in a very unreal way. After all, it is just the stage. But clearly, Shakespeare was right. The whole world is a stage, and we the actors. We all have a part to play, even if some of us don’t know what it is yet.

The Great Outdoors

It is a misconception to believe New York is just a sprawling metropolis without a sense of the great outdoors. Some might know that straddled in between the East and West sides, you have Central Park. For a long time I had felt that Central Park was a dangerous place to hang out, and it was only this year that I discovered how fantastic it was. Regardless of seasons, you see New Yorkers taking advantage of their green lung. Joggers, runners, cyclists share the space with couples getting married.

I witnessed the Park in Winter when the lakes were frozen, and Spring when Cherry Blossoms literally filled the air with petals. I learned the value of just kicking back, taking off my shoes and relaxing. Looking at the sky, and just contemplating. Not even listening to my iPod because really, the sounds of activity and the wind was enough music. I understood why people can spend hours on the lawn just reading a book, and just doing nothing.

Of course, Central Park is not the only respite if one is looking for nature. A kind soul once brought my friend Eric and I to Bear Mountains, about an hour out of New York. It was amazing to know that you can get away from it all if you really wanted to. Up on the vista point, we could see Manhattan in the far distance. We also met a man who rode his bike HOURS from Manhattan to get to the mountains, only to spend a couple of minutes resting, and ride all the way back. Very quickly, I realized the lifestyle options one can have in New York. They say anything is possible in New York City. And seeing this man, you really believe it. The only limits are set by your own will and patience.

Eric and I had also had the great opportunity to make the summertime pilgrimage to the beach, Jones Beach to be exact. The water may not have been Mykonos, but the boys were totally in the same league. Bodies fresh from the gym, and tortured in Winter, were out on display. And the men showed how gross they could get when one by one, they would walk over to the dunes, pull down their speedos, and pee into the sand. Ew. But somehow, seeing muscle bods do their business seemed forgiveable!

And FYI, my tan was awesome!

One last thing. I have always believed that anything can happen in New York. And they sometimes happen when you least expect it. Like finding love. In a city of millions, where people are in a constant search for their better halves, the search itself can be lifelong. But sometimes, you do get lucky, and even though it may come in the most unexpected package, the gift inside is still beautiful. Ah New York....Where dreams really can come true....

Pride : In the Name of Love

They warned me that Pride in New York would be different. And boy, they were not kidding! Sure, I have been to SF Pride and Mardi Gras. And I have even been to Nation in Singapore. But New York Pride was supposed to be the best, the one that started it all. After all, the birth of the gay rights movements started in Christopher Street in downtown Manhattan. So was it all that?

Pride Eve: Boys DO Shop

There are three things that anyone should know about gay people:
1. Regardless of what they are willing to admit, they are vain.
2. They have the money to shop, even if it means skipping meals to make up for it.
3. They know where to shop and put their lunch money to good use.

So big surprise that even the out of towners headed for Century 21, the designer discount store. I mean, I am such a C21 regular, but vava voom, this was like having Chelsea and Boystown suddenly relocate to Cortlandt Street. There were more hot bods and wandering eyes than in a steam room in a David Barton Gym! Of course, much of the pink dollar stayed in pink territory. Bang Bang, the male boutique in Chelsea (surprise, surprise) reported that their $130 Ruffskin jeans, the ones that exposed the butt crack were flying of the shelves. It’s not that hard to believe when you think that men are very big on everything ass related!

Pride Evening: A Night At The Roxy

It is an urban legend that has festered into fact. The truth is the best music and lights, and the best DJs play in gay clubs. And the best on a Saturday night, Pride or no Pride has got to be the Roxy. They say things pick up from 1 a.m. till early morning. I discovered new meaning in the phrase ‘children of the night’. It was surreal; go-go boys flaunting their hard earned assets to earn hard cash from people who were allowed to fondle them. The men were mostly without their shirts, proud of their pecs, uninhibited in the pursuit of pleasure. There were distinct groups: the Asian men and the Others who appreciated them (read: older, white non gym bunnies with few exceptions) were on the right. The muscle men and Chelsea boys were at the front of the stage and the bar. And in some hybrid corner there was Carson Kressley, the fashion ‘expert’ from Bravo’s groundbreaking Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. It was a odd to see that Carson was not as thin as he seemed on TV, something he flaunted when he danced without his shirt on. He was with a muscular hottie in his late 30’s and let’s just say when Carson put his hand down the guy’s jeans, he was doing more than giving the guy a makeover! Still, seeing him lip sync to Toris’ ”Don’t You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me” brought things back to perspective. That he is still a glamor gurl that gives hope to queens around to world that they too can bag a muscular Chelsea boy, and that New York is very much made up of a lot of bisexual and bi-curious men the city census could never determine. And honey, on this, take my word for it. Charlotte York types beware. Nuff said.

Pride Day: The Parade

Every Pride parade has a socio-economic-political thrust. Last year, SF Pride was heavily centered on the issue of gay marriage and Bush dumbness. NY Pride surprisingly did have have an overwhelming message. Instead, most of the people I spoke to on the ground (and interviewed on cam which will be shown in a special video clip soon) spoke of the event being a celebration of humanity. Certainly, that was the case. From the flamboyant ethnic floats, to the last religion themed contingents (yes, we are talking about gay ministers parading with their same sex partners), it was easy to see why New York is so gay friendly. Gay culture, if there is such a thing is so interwoven in the lifestyle of the average New Yorker that it is impossible to separate. On the way to the parade, an elderly lady opened up a conversation with my friend and I by asking if we were going there. No gap from any generation. The feeling of freedom was crisp in the air. Seeing revelers shout out “Happy Pride!” was like having Christmas twice a year. And seeing the many people there made me feel like I am truly not alone. No one is when you have a community to back you. To the thousands that came out to support them, marchers handed out bead necklaces and other paraphernalia. The best part was, the crowd was not made up of members of the LGBT community alone, there were people from every persuasion, from every part of the world. Perhaps other parts of the world are yet to understand what I have come to understand. That Pride means among other things, Power, Passion and Perseverance. But most of all, corny as it sounds, Pride is Love.

Pride Day: The Festival

You know, the stereotype that the gay male is like Carson cannot be more wrong and prejudicial. The parade would have disproved that notion. The gay male run the gamut of body types and physical features. Honestly though, it is true that gay men do take pride (no pun intended) in their appearance. If not in their dressing, it is certainly their fitness and bodies. A guy I spoke to actually said he trained from being a fat guy to a Chelsea boy because he wanted to ‘be’ with his ideal. In essence, he became his own ideal to attain the unattainable. Thankfully, the LGBT community is more colorful than that, just like the Pride flag. At the street festival, there were legitimate businesses and organization on show that were there to make a difference and participate. Talents were abundant, gay families proudly on display. Gay anthems were blasting away on speakers and boom boxes, and we all know gay anthems are character affirming and full of positivity. Take Inaya Day’s “Hold Your Head Up High”, and Rebecca Cox’s “Play Your Part”. Gay music takes the best of mainstream and club music and brands them as their own. And the divas who sing them as chosen to be their voices. The festival was a fantastic way to spend a day in Summer, eating grilled corn and other street food, washing them down with lemonade, and grabbing the freebies the businesses hand out to promote their wares. HGTV did even better, they gave away free bags, and their reason: just to thank the community for their support. The LGBT community has come a long way. And while countries like Singapore blames the rise of HIV on such events and foreign LGBT members who come to visit, one thing is certain. The LGBT community worldwide has a voice...and is here to stay. The rest of the world better get with the program.

On a Magic Floral Carpet

On a Magic Floral Carpet
Originally uploaded by shartz.

O Spring is Here!

Wednesday 20 April

In all the years I’ve come to visit New York, I have never been to Central Park. Until this year. The year I proclaimed so proudly as Jan 1st rolled along as the first day to the rest of my life. I was determined to make a change from all the past developments of 2004.

Central Park had such a bad image. I was so sure it was the hideaway for society’s scum. I feared it.

But on whim, a friend decided to take a walk there. And in one spellbinding moment, those fears were erased.

Perhaps it is Springtime in New York. Perhaps the weather was just perfect. Perhaps it was all the beautiful people that were either running, cycling or just laying out on the grass. Or could it be the lush sounds of Il Divo on my iPod as a gentle breeze wrapped around my body, tickled the grass, and carelessly flung my hair into a care-less mess. Perhaps it was just that life for one moment was absolutely about being.

It is hard to do when you lead busy lives. Always having a schedule, always looking ahead at what is next.

So for one moment, I told myself I would just sit on a grassy hill, take off my shoes, let my feet feel the beauty of the blades of grass, and just be.

A calmness I had not felt in a long time took over. I was able to read Oprah’s “What I know for Sure” and totally absorb it. Funnily enough as I was writing this, I saw on the backcover of the booklet, a quote from the pages inside:

“Every day brings a chance for you to draw in a breath, kick off your shoes, and dance.”

Have I been dancing? Have I looked at life as the potential of the possibility? Much of me would like to belief that. But what do you have to dance about, when the possibilities seem dim.

I wondered if I am following the path I am meant to be on. I am very resourceful as a person, yet my efforts have been slow to bear fruit. No one can guarantee anything, but I wondered if this was a sign of a bigger picture.
Perhaps I am being whispered to. There is a message that I am perhaps afraid to listen to. Much because of the potential for failure. As human beings, we are socialized to always want to succeed, for without a measure of success the world would not accord you a place.

But what is the measure of success?

Sitting on the lawn, feeling the dampness of the grass under my feet and the sunshine on my skin, this could very well be my gauge of success. To appreciate the fact of being.

I have for so long, yearned to be discovered in terms of work, and even as a human being. So longed for someone to say, hey you are great! Someone to validate my existence.


Here, alone with my thoughts, even as I was surrounded by similar people just enjoying their quiet time, I started to realize that I needed to look at things differently.

People are never wanting to find someone or something that is lost. They want to find someone or something that is already found.

I am slowly learning that I cannot possibly be discovered. For I have not discovered myself. I have a strong sense of who I could be, what my potentials are. Who I am in relations to those around me. But am I worthy enough to say I am complete on my own. Perhaps not.

As it is, I keep saying that I am slowly learning. Because I am yet to be able to recite truths such as those above without trying to find a justification, or a reasoning logical enough to deny them.

The undeniable truth is that I have let the past, all of which I cannot change or control, hold me back rather than propel me forward. I have allowed how others choose to see me to define who I am.

I have always wondered why that cutie showed interest in my friends and not me. Why in spite of all my accomplishments and contributions I am not good enough to have earned my place in the world. Is it something internal I need to look at? I have always seen myself as compassionate. Someone who feels the pain of others. But if the amount of love is directly proportionate to the love you give to the universe, perhaps I have not given enough.

I am not ungrateful however. Neither am I greedy for things that matter. One lesson learned quickly this trip, is the fact that I am fortunate enough to have met wonderful people, and made new friends. People whose lives have added on to my own. Still people can and will fail you, so they can never truly fulfill you.


Perhaps one thing “I know for sure” is this: that I am responsible for my own fulfillment, even as that is a difficult task to achieve.

Am I over-complicating a simple situation? In a setting that cannot be simpler: a park, a grassy hill, some wind, and much solitude, the simple truth is that I need to find what makes me happy, what makes me passionate about life. To unlearn all that I have learned to eventually make me near complete on my own.

I want to draw in a breath, kick off my shoes and dance.

And perhaps by that time, a great job, a great love is just the icing on the cake, and the capping to a wonderful day at the park.