The One

"I've been dating since I was 16...where is he??!"
Charlotte York pre-Goldenblatt, Sex and the City


They say that part of our life mission is to be on a search to find our other halves. But in world of billions, that person might not even be on the same continent. Even if you believe you are in the right place, the possibilities are still endless and the chances of meeting that special someone the first time around is literally one in a million. With so many choices out there, how many do you have to date before you tell yourself you have found 'the one'?

We are always asked by well meaning friends and family, what our ideal partner would be like. More often than not, there would be a list of physical attributes that we would consider most attractive. Then, there would be a set of values that hopefully would be attached to that gorgeous being.

A atypical answer could be: He/She has to be taller/shorter, with blonde/brunette hair, dark/blue eyes, with the the top measuring (X inches) and waist (X inches). Oh and he/she has to be trustworthy, career oriented, loves animals, travels the world and does charity in his/her free time.

And there lie the problems. For one thing, the perfect package, while entirely possible, may be a Hollywood driven ideal. We have seen that in the movies, where the cute, young, successful person can do it all and has room for a partner within that busy lifestyle. But what movie do you know of that is being played right outside your door? More importantly though, for one to dream of such an ideal state, one must be deserving of it. Meaning, are you living that ideal; are you that ideal to begin with? They say like attracts like, so how many of your friends do you know wants to marry Tom Cruise but looks like Marge Simpson?

Sure we all have our fantasies. And that's not wrong. But shouldn't our fantasies be tempered with a dose of reality from looking at the mirror?

Let's say, for argument's sake, that you are absolutely realistic about yourself, and you know what you deserve. Does this make it any easier? Do the options get narrowed down? Chemistry aside, there would still be a whole world of possibilities out there.

A friend of mine asked me last night, can you give up meeting all these great people in New York to settle with one person. While I knew my instinctive answer, I wondered what the realistic one would be. When would you know for sure that the search is over? What would tell you the search ends right here?

And New York in particular, with its incredibly droolicious buffet of bods and backgrounds, and no one is a Xerox copy of each other, how can you tell which one satisfies most, if not all of your needs? The truth is, I am not longer certain that any one person can satisfy everything. If that were the case, then people would live in cocoons big enough for two, and they would not need to socialize beyond that. Still, we aren't talking friendship. And the bigger issue is what would stop you cold from dating anymore, to be taken off the market, and off the shelf. What would settle you down with One as opposed to the many.

It is not an easy thing to draw quick conclusions. But as I grow older, I am realizing the one does not need to have the complete package like a Ken or Billy doll. And more often than not, the one is not about the total package in your fantasy, but a total package in terms of care: a care package.

Two of the writers from Sex and the City wrote a book last year. I will spare you the details but there was a section that redefined dating in the new millennium. And they focused on the values that you should be applying to yourself and to others when you are searching for the one.

Basically beyond the superficiality of the looks and the career etc, what binds people together is truly the values they share. And the boundaries they realistically have to set. What can they live with, or not live with? How do they want to be treated, and how they would treat that person. What codes of behavior would best show the person for who he/she is?

Then it became clearer. There is code you can adhere to, one that is not based on the ideal package but one based on the care package.

Does he/she keep his/her word? For example, when they said they would call at a certain time, do they?
Do they consistently keep in touch with you because you are priority one?
Have they rejected you before then decide to come back to you for reasons known only to them?
Do they break appointments with you?
Do they have a pattern of deception?
Does he/she want to change you or accepts you for who you are, warts and all but encourages your growth?
Do they show by action that they care for you, as opposed to just saying it?
Are they excited about being around you? Not the kind of excitement of first lust/passion/dating, but on an everyday basis?
Do they say they love you but are not sure that they are in love with you? Is that something you are willing to accept? (note: the book says that 'I Love You' means 'I don't want to hurt you' and 'I am not sure I am in love with you' means 'I am not in love with you'. Simple but real.

Are they around when you need them, and even when you don't?

There will always be someone else more physically attractive, someone richer, someone better educated, and the list goes on. But what is a fit for you needs to be based on the values you hold dear. And perhaps once you understand yourself on that level, then the choices really do get narrowed down to 'the one', It may take some time, it may be a tedious process, but if this is for the rest of your life, is it not worth investing the time? And once you do find a fit, is it not time to say you can give up meeting all these other great people. Even in New York. Because by that time, the one great person for you is already by your side.