O Spring is Here!

Wednesday 20 April

In all the years I’ve come to visit New York, I have never been to Central Park. Until this year. The year I proclaimed so proudly as Jan 1st rolled along as the first day to the rest of my life. I was determined to make a change from all the past developments of 2004.

Central Park had such a bad image. I was so sure it was the hideaway for society’s scum. I feared it.

But on whim, a friend decided to take a walk there. And in one spellbinding moment, those fears were erased.

Perhaps it is Springtime in New York. Perhaps the weather was just perfect. Perhaps it was all the beautiful people that were either running, cycling or just laying out on the grass. Or could it be the lush sounds of Il Divo on my iPod as a gentle breeze wrapped around my body, tickled the grass, and carelessly flung my hair into a care-less mess. Perhaps it was just that life for one moment was absolutely about being.

It is hard to do when you lead busy lives. Always having a schedule, always looking ahead at what is next.

So for one moment, I told myself I would just sit on a grassy hill, take off my shoes, let my feet feel the beauty of the blades of grass, and just be.

A calmness I had not felt in a long time took over. I was able to read Oprah’s “What I know for Sure” and totally absorb it. Funnily enough as I was writing this, I saw on the backcover of the booklet, a quote from the pages inside:

“Every day brings a chance for you to draw in a breath, kick off your shoes, and dance.”

Have I been dancing? Have I looked at life as the potential of the possibility? Much of me would like to belief that. But what do you have to dance about, when the possibilities seem dim.

I wondered if I am following the path I am meant to be on. I am very resourceful as a person, yet my efforts have been slow to bear fruit. No one can guarantee anything, but I wondered if this was a sign of a bigger picture.
Perhaps I am being whispered to. There is a message that I am perhaps afraid to listen to. Much because of the potential for failure. As human beings, we are socialized to always want to succeed, for without a measure of success the world would not accord you a place.

But what is the measure of success?

Sitting on the lawn, feeling the dampness of the grass under my feet and the sunshine on my skin, this could very well be my gauge of success. To appreciate the fact of being.

I have for so long, yearned to be discovered in terms of work, and even as a human being. So longed for someone to say, hey you are great! Someone to validate my existence.


Here, alone with my thoughts, even as I was surrounded by similar people just enjoying their quiet time, I started to realize that I needed to look at things differently.

People are never wanting to find someone or something that is lost. They want to find someone or something that is already found.

I am slowly learning that I cannot possibly be discovered. For I have not discovered myself. I have a strong sense of who I could be, what my potentials are. Who I am in relations to those around me. But am I worthy enough to say I am complete on my own. Perhaps not.

As it is, I keep saying that I am slowly learning. Because I am yet to be able to recite truths such as those above without trying to find a justification, or a reasoning logical enough to deny them.

The undeniable truth is that I have let the past, all of which I cannot change or control, hold me back rather than propel me forward. I have allowed how others choose to see me to define who I am.

I have always wondered why that cutie showed interest in my friends and not me. Why in spite of all my accomplishments and contributions I am not good enough to have earned my place in the world. Is it something internal I need to look at? I have always seen myself as compassionate. Someone who feels the pain of others. But if the amount of love is directly proportionate to the love you give to the universe, perhaps I have not given enough.

I am not ungrateful however. Neither am I greedy for things that matter. One lesson learned quickly this trip, is the fact that I am fortunate enough to have met wonderful people, and made new friends. People whose lives have added on to my own. Still people can and will fail you, so they can never truly fulfill you.


Perhaps one thing “I know for sure” is this: that I am responsible for my own fulfillment, even as that is a difficult task to achieve.

Am I over-complicating a simple situation? In a setting that cannot be simpler: a park, a grassy hill, some wind, and much solitude, the simple truth is that I need to find what makes me happy, what makes me passionate about life. To unlearn all that I have learned to eventually make me near complete on my own.

I want to draw in a breath, kick off my shoes and dance.

And perhaps by that time, a great job, a great love is just the icing on the cake, and the capping to a wonderful day at the park.