Courage to Change

disclaimer: this entry has no bearing on any circumstances, real or imagined in the world today. it is simply a thought process discovered while going shopping for bananas. literally.

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I had an epiphany today.

Imagine a situation where you can either choose to keep your life as you know it or take a drastic step to change it to something else. Sure it takes courage to make changes in your life. Sure the unknown is scary. But if the status quo is something that is known and familiar, then you really don't need courage to stay in the same spot. It just simply isn't scary.

When one is trying to decide whether to change or not, it means that the status quo is no longer satisfactory, or else a consideration for change would not even exist. And should courage be needed to assert change, that belief presupposes the change is necessary, even desired, if not already in existence.

Which means, one must be in the position of knowing that it is there, to be able to acknowledge the need for courage. So perhaps, making a change is not as scary as one thinks. For one would already know that change is already in current reality. And the only thing that is unsure of, is whether one is willing to recognize its presence.

When you think about countries that go through revolutions, and people who go through gender re-assignments, and the list of circumstances grow on and on, resistance happens when one does not want to recognize the presence of a new reality and the challenges it could bring. But do we need to fear the future? Doesn't change simply mean second chances, renewed possibilities, unimagined opportunities? Or does it mean sacrifices, pain, eternal uncertainty and destruction? Doesn't change feed a need for a renaissance of sorts, a rejuvenation of past practices in the hope of betterment and fulfilment?

I guess the summary for me is this: if one is considering change, chances are, it's already here. So why fear it?

Just a thought.

Loony Tunes

I am as done as an over roasted chicken
As over as a done deal
As finished as a bad movie
As bad as a finished meal

Whoopie let's toast the dead duck
Loopy like the loon called Daffy
No one will miss the smells in the oven
Totally Nuked and Fried by Acme

TADA

Pray for the dearly departed
But never cry a tear of pity
WHEEEEEEEE to the unworthy
would that me or me or me?

Buhbye says Bugs
That's all folks hee hee ha ha
Rub the rabbit's foot you fool
Maybe there is no ta ta

BIG FINISH

RIP RIP RIP
Three times for luck
But really when the cartoon is over
Who gives a flying fuck

Poem No.1 | 05

we seek the specter of coincidence
gathering grains of hope from the ground
connecting dots in an undrawn map
telling truth nor knowingness, none around

with light in heart, smiling openly
acceptance abundant, such careless desires
filling the void long forgotten
sending the souls to places higher

blinding flashes, sepia toned speed
lives led, lost, leaves lives left empty
unknowing, unknown unearths the covered void
digging deeper that the deepest sea

beauty remains as beauty appears
quickly, suddenly it comes and goes
at once enriching, again dividing
separating, turning lovers and foes

in the vacant void of hades unrest
the shades of possibility points to nowhere
burned bridges conceal no chances
to regain what's lost over there

we stand alone, yearning as we seek
the joy of the deserved, the freedom to fly
tracing dots on a path to each other
knowing the truth of no more goodbyes

When Opposites Collide

SO CUTE HOR? I'm the pussy hahaha :-)

Lessons from High School: Riverdale High

I met John Travolta. I asked him which movie he made was his favorite. Being the politically correct person he is, he didn't give an outright answer.

Which is odd considering for the 20th anniversary of Grease, he claimed the movie musical was his favorite. And while I am not a big JT fan, that movie is one of mine.

There was something magical about it. From the opening score of Love Is A Many Splendoured Thing, which can trigger my mom's retelling of the tragic love story between a Chinese girl and a Caucasian man that inspired the song; to the ethereal visual quality of JT in silhouette at the drive in when he sang Sandy.

They don't make movies like that anymore, where the spirit of the film makers literally pounce out of the screen. Where simple story telling is really the key to a great movie.

Friendships, love, heartache are all taken in micro doses, with no concerns of the global, more macro view on things. What I found appealing was this idea that love can be simple, even as life can throw a curve ball, and love can make even the hardiest person change.

In the last bits of dialogue, Danny Zucko says, "You know you guys are important to me, but Sandy is too, and I'm going to do anything to get her."

Of course, thanks to movie magic, Sandy was also transforming herself to be more like her man.

While feminists these days would scoff at the idea of changing their identities for a man, there is a very appealing quality in the idea that two people would be willing to move mountains to be with their lovers.

People don't live in a vacuum, and in a relationship, it is never about two strong individual personalities trying to cram into one space. Still it is beautiful in its simplicity.  That love changes everything.

Even the closing scene, where the characters wonder what would happen after graduation. And whether they would be together. The answer, as it may have been when we were all in high school, was simple.

We go together like
rama lama lama
ke ding a de dinga a dong
remembered for ever like
shoo bop shoo wadda wadda yipitty boom de boom

Chang chang chang-it-ty chang
shoo-bop
That's the way it should be
Wha oooh yeah!

We're one of a kind
Like dip di-dip di-dip
Doo-bop a doo-bee doo
Our names are signed
Boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy
boog-e-dy
Shoo-by doo-wop she-bop
Chang chang chang-it-ty chang
shoo-bop

We'll always be like one
Wa-wa-wa-waaa!

Can life be that simple. Do we complicate our own existence with the whys, wherefores, therefores and the shoud'ves, could'ves and would'ves? Can our feelings be pared down to its barest minimum, in an attempt to be as honest as we possibly can.

Can we economize our words, our adjectives, our verbs to keep things short and sweet. For example:

Sandy can't you see
i'm in misery
We made a start
Now we're apart
There's nothin' left for me
Love has flown
All alone I sit
And wonder wh - yi-yi-yi
Oh why you left me
Oh Sandy

Oh Sandy, baby, someday
When High School is done
Somehow someway
Our two worlds will be one
In heaven forever
And ever we will be
Oh please say you'll stay
Oh Sandy

And even faced with rejection, with fear and even confusion, can the outlook still be kept positive. We all have a tendency to give in to the negatives, but can it not be that even while the situation may be bleak, our true desires aren't? For example:

Guess mine is not the first heart broken, my eyes are not the first to cry
I'm not the first to know, there's just no gettin' over you

I know, I'm just a fool who's willing to sit around and wait for you
But baby can't you see, there's nothin' else for me to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you

But now there's nowhere to hide, since you pushed my love aside
I'm not in my head, hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you, hopelessly devoted to you

My head is saying "fool, forget him", my heart is saying "don't let go"
Hold on to the end, that's what I intend to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you

Perhaps keeping it simple is to trust your heart and do the illogical. Perhaps the clearest path is the one that does not see into the future. We dump crap on ourselves because as we grow into adulthood, all our actions are based on our future yields. We think about consequences and potential failures instead of living for today. That is not to say we are to ignore our responsibilities and the rejecting accountability for our actions. It just means living life simply and enjoying it means to make the best of what you have today.

Sometimes I think we are not meant to try to grasp the big picture all the time. It's not within our reach, our capacities are limited. We should leave that to God and have faith that if we keep ourselves open day by day, the big picture will be ok. Perhaps we are meant to take our life experiences as little drops in the ocean, so that we are better able to digest and understand them.

Maybe life should be like a song from Grease. Abbreviated. Clean. Simple. Short. Sweet. Life may then return to what it was in high school, with not too much drama.

What's that playing on the radio?
Why do I start swaying to and fro?
I have never heard that song before
But if I don't hear it anymore

It's still familiar to me
Sends a thrill right through me
Cause those chords remind me of the night that I first fell in love to
Those magic changes
My heart arranges
A melody that's never the same
A melody that's calling your name
And begs you please come back to me
Please return to me don't go away again
Oh, make them play again
The music I wanna hear as once again you whisper in my ear
Ooh my darlin'

I'll be waiting by the radio
You'll come back to me some day I know
Been so lonesome since our last goodbye
But I'm singing as I cry-iy-iy

While the bass is sounding while the drums are pounding
Beatings of my broken heart will rise to first place in the
charts
Oh my heart arranges
Oh those magic changes

Whoa-whoa-ah-oh
Whoa-whoa-ah-oh yeah
Oooooo

What Lies Ahead

i guess i must be improving. they say u need to hit rock bottom before you get back up.
ive relearned what it means to feel empty. like nothing means anything anymore. nothing makes sense.
my mistake was allowing myself to believe in the fairy tale. when there is no such thing.
i went against my cynicism and chose to believe in the possibilities.
but there are no happy endings. the only consolation is at least now i know for sure. thats not my destiny.
so im meant for something else, i wonder what that could be.
i hate the corporate world. i hate liars. i hate the notion of love because its all a farce.
everyone lies, cheats, everyone is out for their own selfish gain.
so why bother.
there is no meaning in it.
just a big blank numbness at the centre of my forehead.

The One

"I've been dating since I was 16...where is he??!"
Charlotte York pre-Goldenblatt, Sex and the City


They say that part of our life mission is to be on a search to find our other halves. But in world of billions, that person might not even be on the same continent. Even if you believe you are in the right place, the possibilities are still endless and the chances of meeting that special someone the first time around is literally one in a million. With so many choices out there, how many do you have to date before you tell yourself you have found 'the one'?

We are always asked by well meaning friends and family, what our ideal partner would be like. More often than not, there would be a list of physical attributes that we would consider most attractive. Then, there would be a set of values that hopefully would be attached to that gorgeous being.

A atypical answer could be: He/She has to be taller/shorter, with blonde/brunette hair, dark/blue eyes, with the the top measuring (X inches) and waist (X inches). Oh and he/she has to be trustworthy, career oriented, loves animals, travels the world and does charity in his/her free time.

And there lie the problems. For one thing, the perfect package, while entirely possible, may be a Hollywood driven ideal. We have seen that in the movies, where the cute, young, successful person can do it all and has room for a partner within that busy lifestyle. But what movie do you know of that is being played right outside your door? More importantly though, for one to dream of such an ideal state, one must be deserving of it. Meaning, are you living that ideal; are you that ideal to begin with? They say like attracts like, so how many of your friends do you know wants to marry Tom Cruise but looks like Marge Simpson?

Sure we all have our fantasies. And that's not wrong. But shouldn't our fantasies be tempered with a dose of reality from looking at the mirror?

Let's say, for argument's sake, that you are absolutely realistic about yourself, and you know what you deserve. Does this make it any easier? Do the options get narrowed down? Chemistry aside, there would still be a whole world of possibilities out there.

A friend of mine asked me last night, can you give up meeting all these great people in New York to settle with one person. While I knew my instinctive answer, I wondered what the realistic one would be. When would you know for sure that the search is over? What would tell you the search ends right here?

And New York in particular, with its incredibly droolicious buffet of bods and backgrounds, and no one is a Xerox copy of each other, how can you tell which one satisfies most, if not all of your needs? The truth is, I am not longer certain that any one person can satisfy everything. If that were the case, then people would live in cocoons big enough for two, and they would not need to socialize beyond that. Still, we aren't talking friendship. And the bigger issue is what would stop you cold from dating anymore, to be taken off the market, and off the shelf. What would settle you down with One as opposed to the many.

It is not an easy thing to draw quick conclusions. But as I grow older, I am realizing the one does not need to have the complete package like a Ken or Billy doll. And more often than not, the one is not about the total package in your fantasy, but a total package in terms of care: a care package.

Two of the writers from Sex and the City wrote a book last year. I will spare you the details but there was a section that redefined dating in the new millennium. And they focused on the values that you should be applying to yourself and to others when you are searching for the one.

Basically beyond the superficiality of the looks and the career etc, what binds people together is truly the values they share. And the boundaries they realistically have to set. What can they live with, or not live with? How do they want to be treated, and how they would treat that person. What codes of behavior would best show the person for who he/she is?

Then it became clearer. There is code you can adhere to, one that is not based on the ideal package but one based on the care package.

Does he/she keep his/her word? For example, when they said they would call at a certain time, do they?
Do they consistently keep in touch with you because you are priority one?
Have they rejected you before then decide to come back to you for reasons known only to them?
Do they break appointments with you?
Do they have a pattern of deception?
Does he/she want to change you or accepts you for who you are, warts and all but encourages your growth?
Do they show by action that they care for you, as opposed to just saying it?
Are they excited about being around you? Not the kind of excitement of first lust/passion/dating, but on an everyday basis?
Do they say they love you but are not sure that they are in love with you? Is that something you are willing to accept? (note: the book says that 'I Love You' means 'I don't want to hurt you' and 'I am not sure I am in love with you' means 'I am not in love with you'. Simple but real.

Are they around when you need them, and even when you don't?

There will always be someone else more physically attractive, someone richer, someone better educated, and the list goes on. But what is a fit for you needs to be based on the values you hold dear. And perhaps once you understand yourself on that level, then the choices really do get narrowed down to 'the one', It may take some time, it may be a tedious process, but if this is for the rest of your life, is it not worth investing the time? And once you do find a fit, is it not time to say you can give up meeting all these other great people. Even in New York. Because by that time, the one great person for you is already by your side.

USA 2005 : New York

Like a moth to a flame burnt by the fire...and so the song goes. There is no other city like it. And it has worked hard to deserve the accolades it receives. Even in the face of defeat at the Olympics bid, New York and it’s inhabitants have shown its true mettle, where the instinct to survive surpasses even the spirit of the games. There is much to say about it, and perhaps the account below is still too simplistic and touristy. Still, there is really no single way to encapsulate the thoughts is there?

Will & Grace. The View. Rice to Riches. Dog poo on the sidewalk. Glitter on the 43rd and 8th pavement. Buses that deflate to street level. How can one person live more in a few months that he did in a few years? It is a solid case of nurture versus nature. Where the environment and socialization is sole evidence in the evolution of a human being.

New York is like a maddening circus; a hub of activity. Many have tried to put how they feel about the city into words and visuals. Many are still trying to capture the essence of this great cosmopolitan aria. What cannot be described in words is instead felt in every nook and cranny of the city. From the traditions of European architecture, to the sprawling post Trump skyscrapers. It is also seen in the faces of the diverse people, weather worn and resilient. Truly, that may very well be the core of the city. The spirit that is a constant in every facet that binds its energy. When you talk to a New Yorker, borough dweller or Manhattanite, regardless of how they may complain or gripe about their existence in a mostly unforgiving place, you will discover a common thread. For reasons that may be personal, they all love New York. Regardless of their heritage, it is this common bond that seems to tie the city together. Let me share some reasons I have discovered as to why I love New York.

The Seasons

I arrived in the dead of winter. For someone fresh out of the tropics, snow storms were a treat. I could finally see how snow can create the magic of Christmas. How fantastic it felt to have the first feathery flakes fall on your face. Most people might hate it, but the opportunity to wear layers of clothing was in itself an adventure, each time you tried to get out to do even the most basic things. And you learn to appreciate a good hot Chantico from Starbucks. But as Winter faded into Spring, a whole new sensibility set in. Suddenly, there were talks of cherry blossoms, and colors began to change from browns and greys to greens, reds and yellows. I suppose it is the best way to understand the cycle of life, that things move in a continuum and there is a constant renewal of energies. You get to wear less clothes in spring, and perhaps the shedding of the layers is the best metaphor for the changes that one inevitably has to face in life. Life should never be a plateau. And perhaps that is why living in New York is so exciting. Nothing remains the same. And one quickly finds that with so much to experience, life literally can zip by, and before you know it, you are in your winter years and ready to pass the role of world changer to a new generation. Oh but what a way to grow old! I am fortunate though that I remained in the US just as summer was taking over. Things got hot, in more ways than one. People became even more visible as they flocked to the beaches to flaunt the bodies they worked so hard for during the colder months. Street festivals and public events drew people out of their homes into the bright sunshine. You couldn’t help but to taste optimism in the air, and the feeling of gratitude just to be alive and to be in the moment.

It would be hard for me to go back to a single season climate. Where change is not the norm, where there is no distinct sense of something to keep looking forward to. To know that even if one season is bad, the next one could be great!

The Arts

I now hate the tourists that walk like headless chickens in Times Square. But that does not change how I feel about the place. I am, and always have been totally in love with it. It is perhaps partly due to my inherent love for the theatre. I have always felt a night at the theatre is like an event. Something you look forward to, to get psyched about. In New York, theatre just can’t get any better. This year, my secret desire was to meet people who were part of the New York theatre community.

I was blessed. I became friends with someone who was involved in the set building. His stories of the creation of the car in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was like an insight to the behind the scenes going ons. I also got to know a performer who is part of the case of the Lion King. I guess meeting actors in New York should not be a surprise. Certainly, there are many. But these are people whose livelihoods depended on their craft, and deserve respect, unlike in Singapore where there is no real long term prospect to survive as an artiste.

New York is also the place where big stars lose their publicists and agents and become accessible. My friend Eric and I made it a point to meet the actors after a performance. We were fortunate to meet Cherry Jones (2005 Best Actress Tony winner), Jurassic Park’s Jeff Goldblum, Christian Slater and Stealth’s Josh Lucas among others.

The choices were endless. And thanks to a friend who was a bigger theatre enthusiast than me, I discovered that there was more theatre than I realized in locations other than in and around Times Square. I watched the excellent R rated (or at least it should be) Avenue Q, Doubt, The Glass Menagerie, Sweet Charity, The Pillowman, Slava’s Snowshow, Swimming in the Shallows, Birdie Blue, La Cage Aux Folles, and The Cherry Orchard.

The truth about theatre is that the audience are voyeurs, quietly learning vicariously through depictions of life as seen through the eyes of the playwright, and fleshed out by the expressions of the actors and directors. While some shows were a total yawn, others force you into areas you would rather not contemplate. The Pillowman was disturbing, with themes of child abuse and murder most foul. Watching Birdy Blue was like taking a bite out of a rotting fruit, as it depicted a life that was slowly deteriorating in spite of the protagonist’s best efforts to avoid it. It made one wonder, why go on if things are just stacked against you. It made one think that while it is true there is always someone else worse off than you, the only situation that matters is your own, and no one can judge what your acceptance level of that situation should be. See, it is hard to watch theatre and not have a reaction or response. It keeps you real in a very unreal way. After all, it is just the stage. But clearly, Shakespeare was right. The whole world is a stage, and we the actors. We all have a part to play, even if some of us don’t know what it is yet.

The Great Outdoors

It is a misconception to believe New York is just a sprawling metropolis without a sense of the great outdoors. Some might know that straddled in between the East and West sides, you have Central Park. For a long time I had felt that Central Park was a dangerous place to hang out, and it was only this year that I discovered how fantastic it was. Regardless of seasons, you see New Yorkers taking advantage of their green lung. Joggers, runners, cyclists share the space with couples getting married.

I witnessed the Park in Winter when the lakes were frozen, and Spring when Cherry Blossoms literally filled the air with petals. I learned the value of just kicking back, taking off my shoes and relaxing. Looking at the sky, and just contemplating. Not even listening to my iPod because really, the sounds of activity and the wind was enough music. I understood why people can spend hours on the lawn just reading a book, and just doing nothing.

Of course, Central Park is not the only respite if one is looking for nature. A kind soul once brought my friend Eric and I to Bear Mountains, about an hour out of New York. It was amazing to know that you can get away from it all if you really wanted to. Up on the vista point, we could see Manhattan in the far distance. We also met a man who rode his bike HOURS from Manhattan to get to the mountains, only to spend a couple of minutes resting, and ride all the way back. Very quickly, I realized the lifestyle options one can have in New York. They say anything is possible in New York City. And seeing this man, you really believe it. The only limits are set by your own will and patience.

Eric and I had also had the great opportunity to make the summertime pilgrimage to the beach, Jones Beach to be exact. The water may not have been Mykonos, but the boys were totally in the same league. Bodies fresh from the gym, and tortured in Winter, were out on display. And the men showed how gross they could get when one by one, they would walk over to the dunes, pull down their speedos, and pee into the sand. Ew. But somehow, seeing muscle bods do their business seemed forgiveable!

And FYI, my tan was awesome!

One last thing. I have always believed that anything can happen in New York. And they sometimes happen when you least expect it. Like finding love. In a city of millions, where people are in a constant search for their better halves, the search itself can be lifelong. But sometimes, you do get lucky, and even though it may come in the most unexpected package, the gift inside is still beautiful. Ah New York....Where dreams really can come true....

Pride : In the Name of Love

They warned me that Pride in New York would be different. And boy, they were not kidding! Sure, I have been to SF Pride and Mardi Gras. And I have even been to Nation in Singapore. But New York Pride was supposed to be the best, the one that started it all. After all, the birth of the gay rights movements started in Christopher Street in downtown Manhattan. So was it all that?

Pride Eve: Boys DO Shop

There are three things that anyone should know about gay people:
1. Regardless of what they are willing to admit, they are vain.
2. They have the money to shop, even if it means skipping meals to make up for it.
3. They know where to shop and put their lunch money to good use.

So big surprise that even the out of towners headed for Century 21, the designer discount store. I mean, I am such a C21 regular, but vava voom, this was like having Chelsea and Boystown suddenly relocate to Cortlandt Street. There were more hot bods and wandering eyes than in a steam room in a David Barton Gym! Of course, much of the pink dollar stayed in pink territory. Bang Bang, the male boutique in Chelsea (surprise, surprise) reported that their $130 Ruffskin jeans, the ones that exposed the butt crack were flying of the shelves. It’s not that hard to believe when you think that men are very big on everything ass related!

Pride Evening: A Night At The Roxy

It is an urban legend that has festered into fact. The truth is the best music and lights, and the best DJs play in gay clubs. And the best on a Saturday night, Pride or no Pride has got to be the Roxy. They say things pick up from 1 a.m. till early morning. I discovered new meaning in the phrase ‘children of the night’. It was surreal; go-go boys flaunting their hard earned assets to earn hard cash from people who were allowed to fondle them. The men were mostly without their shirts, proud of their pecs, uninhibited in the pursuit of pleasure. There were distinct groups: the Asian men and the Others who appreciated them (read: older, white non gym bunnies with few exceptions) were on the right. The muscle men and Chelsea boys were at the front of the stage and the bar. And in some hybrid corner there was Carson Kressley, the fashion ‘expert’ from Bravo’s groundbreaking Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. It was a odd to see that Carson was not as thin as he seemed on TV, something he flaunted when he danced without his shirt on. He was with a muscular hottie in his late 30’s and let’s just say when Carson put his hand down the guy’s jeans, he was doing more than giving the guy a makeover! Still, seeing him lip sync to Toris’ ”Don’t You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me” brought things back to perspective. That he is still a glamor gurl that gives hope to queens around to world that they too can bag a muscular Chelsea boy, and that New York is very much made up of a lot of bisexual and bi-curious men the city census could never determine. And honey, on this, take my word for it. Charlotte York types beware. Nuff said.

Pride Day: The Parade

Every Pride parade has a socio-economic-political thrust. Last year, SF Pride was heavily centered on the issue of gay marriage and Bush dumbness. NY Pride surprisingly did have have an overwhelming message. Instead, most of the people I spoke to on the ground (and interviewed on cam which will be shown in a special video clip soon) spoke of the event being a celebration of humanity. Certainly, that was the case. From the flamboyant ethnic floats, to the last religion themed contingents (yes, we are talking about gay ministers parading with their same sex partners), it was easy to see why New York is so gay friendly. Gay culture, if there is such a thing is so interwoven in the lifestyle of the average New Yorker that it is impossible to separate. On the way to the parade, an elderly lady opened up a conversation with my friend and I by asking if we were going there. No gap from any generation. The feeling of freedom was crisp in the air. Seeing revelers shout out “Happy Pride!” was like having Christmas twice a year. And seeing the many people there made me feel like I am truly not alone. No one is when you have a community to back you. To the thousands that came out to support them, marchers handed out bead necklaces and other paraphernalia. The best part was, the crowd was not made up of members of the LGBT community alone, there were people from every persuasion, from every part of the world. Perhaps other parts of the world are yet to understand what I have come to understand. That Pride means among other things, Power, Passion and Perseverance. But most of all, corny as it sounds, Pride is Love.

Pride Day: The Festival

You know, the stereotype that the gay male is like Carson cannot be more wrong and prejudicial. The parade would have disproved that notion. The gay male run the gamut of body types and physical features. Honestly though, it is true that gay men do take pride (no pun intended) in their appearance. If not in their dressing, it is certainly their fitness and bodies. A guy I spoke to actually said he trained from being a fat guy to a Chelsea boy because he wanted to ‘be’ with his ideal. In essence, he became his own ideal to attain the unattainable. Thankfully, the LGBT community is more colorful than that, just like the Pride flag. At the street festival, there were legitimate businesses and organization on show that were there to make a difference and participate. Talents were abundant, gay families proudly on display. Gay anthems were blasting away on speakers and boom boxes, and we all know gay anthems are character affirming and full of positivity. Take Inaya Day’s “Hold Your Head Up High”, and Rebecca Cox’s “Play Your Part”. Gay music takes the best of mainstream and club music and brands them as their own. And the divas who sing them as chosen to be their voices. The festival was a fantastic way to spend a day in Summer, eating grilled corn and other street food, washing them down with lemonade, and grabbing the freebies the businesses hand out to promote their wares. HGTV did even better, they gave away free bags, and their reason: just to thank the community for their support. The LGBT community has come a long way. And while countries like Singapore blames the rise of HIV on such events and foreign LGBT members who come to visit, one thing is certain. The LGBT community worldwide has a voice...and is here to stay. The rest of the world better get with the program.

On a Magic Floral Carpet

On a Magic Floral Carpet
Originally uploaded by shartz.

O Spring is Here!

Wednesday 20 April

In all the years I’ve come to visit New York, I have never been to Central Park. Until this year. The year I proclaimed so proudly as Jan 1st rolled along as the first day to the rest of my life. I was determined to make a change from all the past developments of 2004.

Central Park had such a bad image. I was so sure it was the hideaway for society’s scum. I feared it.

But on whim, a friend decided to take a walk there. And in one spellbinding moment, those fears were erased.

Perhaps it is Springtime in New York. Perhaps the weather was just perfect. Perhaps it was all the beautiful people that were either running, cycling or just laying out on the grass. Or could it be the lush sounds of Il Divo on my iPod as a gentle breeze wrapped around my body, tickled the grass, and carelessly flung my hair into a care-less mess. Perhaps it was just that life for one moment was absolutely about being.

It is hard to do when you lead busy lives. Always having a schedule, always looking ahead at what is next.

So for one moment, I told myself I would just sit on a grassy hill, take off my shoes, let my feet feel the beauty of the blades of grass, and just be.

A calmness I had not felt in a long time took over. I was able to read Oprah’s “What I know for Sure” and totally absorb it. Funnily enough as I was writing this, I saw on the backcover of the booklet, a quote from the pages inside:

“Every day brings a chance for you to draw in a breath, kick off your shoes, and dance.”

Have I been dancing? Have I looked at life as the potential of the possibility? Much of me would like to belief that. But what do you have to dance about, when the possibilities seem dim.

I wondered if I am following the path I am meant to be on. I am very resourceful as a person, yet my efforts have been slow to bear fruit. No one can guarantee anything, but I wondered if this was a sign of a bigger picture.
Perhaps I am being whispered to. There is a message that I am perhaps afraid to listen to. Much because of the potential for failure. As human beings, we are socialized to always want to succeed, for without a measure of success the world would not accord you a place.

But what is the measure of success?

Sitting on the lawn, feeling the dampness of the grass under my feet and the sunshine on my skin, this could very well be my gauge of success. To appreciate the fact of being.

I have for so long, yearned to be discovered in terms of work, and even as a human being. So longed for someone to say, hey you are great! Someone to validate my existence.


Here, alone with my thoughts, even as I was surrounded by similar people just enjoying their quiet time, I started to realize that I needed to look at things differently.

People are never wanting to find someone or something that is lost. They want to find someone or something that is already found.

I am slowly learning that I cannot possibly be discovered. For I have not discovered myself. I have a strong sense of who I could be, what my potentials are. Who I am in relations to those around me. But am I worthy enough to say I am complete on my own. Perhaps not.

As it is, I keep saying that I am slowly learning. Because I am yet to be able to recite truths such as those above without trying to find a justification, or a reasoning logical enough to deny them.

The undeniable truth is that I have let the past, all of which I cannot change or control, hold me back rather than propel me forward. I have allowed how others choose to see me to define who I am.

I have always wondered why that cutie showed interest in my friends and not me. Why in spite of all my accomplishments and contributions I am not good enough to have earned my place in the world. Is it something internal I need to look at? I have always seen myself as compassionate. Someone who feels the pain of others. But if the amount of love is directly proportionate to the love you give to the universe, perhaps I have not given enough.

I am not ungrateful however. Neither am I greedy for things that matter. One lesson learned quickly this trip, is the fact that I am fortunate enough to have met wonderful people, and made new friends. People whose lives have added on to my own. Still people can and will fail you, so they can never truly fulfill you.


Perhaps one thing “I know for sure” is this: that I am responsible for my own fulfillment, even as that is a difficult task to achieve.

Am I over-complicating a simple situation? In a setting that cannot be simpler: a park, a grassy hill, some wind, and much solitude, the simple truth is that I need to find what makes me happy, what makes me passionate about life. To unlearn all that I have learned to eventually make me near complete on my own.

I want to draw in a breath, kick off my shoes and dance.

And perhaps by that time, a great job, a great love is just the icing on the cake, and the capping to a wonderful day at the park.

Xmas 2004

Snowballed - Singapore's Stonewall?

If you have ever visited, or ever get a chance to, a bar called Stonewall in New York City, you would probably shrug it off as just another watering hole and walk by. Those who know it for its significance will understand that that was the Ground Zero for the gay rights movement in NYC. The story is quite colorful. Drag queens holding police officers hostage. The Samson-ites taking on the Goliaths.

It may seem quite funny now, but then, it was a different world.

And to fight that world was a feat that took bravery only a feather boa could muster. And it was a feat that could have resulted in disaster. Fortunately for the Americans, what resulted was the birth of a beautiful rainbow.

Singapore has often been likened to the US of days gone by; one visiting American lecturer even put it down circa the 1950s-1960s (think Elizabeth Montgomery in Bewitched). The values and morals apparently mirror those of a simpler time in the great U S of A. But as history has shown for the Americans, values and morals change with the times. And it either evolves slowly, or its gets punched in the gut to move along.

The latter usually happens, when the so called conservative majority refuses to recognize that their world is changing or has already changed. It's what would eventually be termed in daytime talk shows, championed by Oprah herself, as denial.

So here it is. Singapore is in denial and she needs Dr. Phil.

You may have heard. The Singapore Police, that basically sees themselves as the upholder of public opinion, recently rejected the application for a licence by gay portal Fridae.com, to organize a year end dance party. For my international friends, in Singapore, you need a licence for everything. EVERYTHING. (read: if you have a dance show, you may have to dance for the authorities first before they allow your show to go on).

The Police claimed that they "do not discriminate against (gays), the Police also recognise that Singapore is still, by and large, a conservative and traditional society. Hence, the Police cannot approve any application for an event which goes against the moral values of a large majority of Singaporeans."

Some of those living in Singapore pointedly blame the recent events on a recent speech given by Dr Balaji Sadasivan, Senior Minister Of State For Information, Communications And The Arts & Health on the 27th November at the Singapore AIDS Conference. The sentiment was that Dr. Balaji's speech was anti-gay and served only to fire the prejudice of the conservatives.

But in assessing his speech made available on the official ministry website, http://www.moh.gov.sg/corp/about/newsroom/speeches/details.do?id=29294601, one may argue that much of what he has said has been taken out of context by the media.

In his speech, Dr. Balaji said that his ministry had 2 risk groups: "They are gays or MSM, ie Men having Sex with Men, and heterosexual men having casual sex abroad." He also added that "our specialists are worried about an explosion of AIDS cases among gays."

Dr.Balaji could be faulted for two things. His misinformed view that men having sex with men are exclusively gay, since apparently in his world bisexuality does not exist. To this I would say, go watch the movie Alexander, and if he really wants it, I could ask Oprah to send him a tape of her show on married men who love other men.

The second fault is just a misuse of the word explosion. Yes, it is true there have been more cases among the gay community recently. However, the leading advocate for HIV prevention in SIngapore Action for Aids, states that 'heterosexual spread is now the main method of transmission in Singapore. And over 75% of infections around the world are acquired through heterosexual intercourse'.

As Dr Rev Yap Kim How, former Bishop of The Methodist Church in Singapore & Malaysia states: "The gay community has done much, much more than the heterosexual community that I belong to in addressing sexuality and related sexual diseases and their prevention. It is in the heterosexual community that we need more education on such matters."

So while Dr.Balaji concedes, that "promiscuity is a risk factor for both gays and heterosexuals", the media have pounced on certain gay related statements and blew them up to be bigger than a water filled condom.

Andy Ho, a journalist with a local daily, connected Dr.Balaji's statement of 'an alarming Aids epidemic', with his interpretation that "gay men's unsafe sex practices were the biggest cause for concern". Needless to say, the last statement was not featured in Dr.Balaji's transcripts.

The journalist goes on to say:

"Urged on by new, disinhibiting club drugs like Ecstasy (in combination with Viagra), risky behaviour is now, compared to the pre-Haart era, twice as likely for HIV-positive gays and one-and-a-half-times more
likely for HIV-negative gays. In fact, according to the UCSF study mentioned above, a third of gays with HIV feel that Haart has made unprotected sex that much more thinkable for them now."

His conclusion was to question the logic of making anti-virals inexpensive and readily available since they make "HIV-positive gay fit enough to cruise around for casual, anonymous and risky sex, thereby spreading his virus and fuelling the second wave". Gay people are seen, therefore as loaded guns, in spite of the rate of transmission among heterosexuals. But I could share with Mr.Ho, how many straight men I know, married and single, locals and expats, spread themselves thinly and secretly, in search of the golden orgasm, he would realize that anonymous and risky sex is not exclusive to gay people. Casual sex is not driven by sexual preference, its driven by horniness and hormones. And that my dear Mr.Ho, anyone can choose to have, unless Mr.Ho himself does not understand the concept of being horny. Hm.

Mr.Ho's concerns are fueled by perceptions.

In his own words he believes the "gay world ... glorifies muscles, partying, drugs and anonymous sex". Furthermore, he believes that "to change their sexual behaviour will require going beyond publicity
campaigns. Instead, issues that belong more in the therapist's office, like self-esteem and self-hatred, will have to be confronted".

Mr.Ho's perceptions are even more dangerous than most, for if the authorities were to weight them in, people maybe find anti-virals that they actually need survive to be inaccessible by cost. Making his perceptions not only damning, but murderous.

It is interesting that Mr.Ho, like Dr.Balaji and Singaporean conservatives, believes that again the gay community are only made up on men. In Singapore, the concept of GLBT sounds more like a food item (think BLT). His perception that gay people possess issues of self-esteem issues and self-hatred is not only outright strange and prejudicial, it also undermines and devalues the moderate majority who live extremely actualized regular lives (some better than on his journalist salary). In his view, one can argue that Mr.Ho believes that gay people are lesser creatures deserving medical help to get over their problem of 'wrongly' identifying themselves in the sexual orientation bracket.

Certainly, as in any segment of society, there will be those in the gay community with issues. These issues are undoubtedly fueled by the negativity the press projects onto the conservatives. It becomes a question of right to exist, not exclusively on the morality of a different lifestyle.

Case in point: A ex-colleague in the media company I belonged to, revealed at the end of his tenure that he was gay. He chose to keep that a secret while he was still with the company for several reasons: that in spite of the fact diversity was considered the norm for most media companies, he didn't feel that same level of acceptance in this one. He also felt that his career needed to be protected for he viewed his department head to be a homophobe. Whether this is actually true is debatable. I will say that she did label yours truly as 'creative', a term I viewed as her catch phrase for 'gay'. She would add also that 'creative' people are loud and had an impression that one cannot take some things they do seriously (read: non-managerial material).

The bottom line is impressions lead people to react. And impressions are seldom factual.

That media company has more gays, lesbians and bisexuals I don't even care to count. The sad truth is, even in an American MNC that champions creativity, diversity, equality and originality in the United States, the so called labeled 'creative' people are forced to hide their identity out of fear. Fear of reprisals, of having their rice bowls affected, of being treated different.

The closet, or as we say it in Asia, wardrobe is literally a 'big one' in that company.

But even as sexual preference is apparently not an issue in terrestrial media, as many of the top executives are openly part of the family, the fears are real and affect many segments of Singapore society.

So the story has come to this.

The man acting as the husband in the Bewitched series was himself gay. Making he and Elizabeth Montgomery total professionals for all that kissing they had to do at the end of each episode. Oh, so they had gay people in the white bread, white picket fences era in America too!

Singapore is no longer stuck in a time warp of pre-Disco America.

The media plays an important role in forging opinions.

Singapore is, regardless of denials, a very, very gay country.

So, where do we go from here?

The rejection of the licence just serves to fuel to the slowly burning flame. An American friend told me that Stonewall happened because the gay community was tired of unfair treatment, of continually living in an air of being tolerated but not accepted, their right of existence being controlled for the shrinking conservatives.

Perhaps Snowball may fire up the younger GLBT community out of their Singaporean apathy and do something to claim their right to the world, and to eradicate impressions that a person like Mr. Andy Ho possess.

Or perhaps this international controversy may dwindle to an ember. But an ember still has heat. And it is foreseeable that it is a matter of time before Singapore breaks its own pattern of denial and recognize that the gay community is here, and is here to stay.

Watch this small space in the world. This writer will commit to this: Singapore will play an important part in GLBT rights in Asia, and the economics of recognizing the GLBT community will soon be too hard to ignore, whether she likes it or not.

Peace.

The Snowball Controversy:

http://www.fridae.com/newsfeatures/article.php?articleid=1359&viewarticle=1&searchtype=all

The International Response:

http://www.fridae.com/newsfeatures/article.php?articleid=1360&viewarticle=1&searchtype=all

The HIV Statistics:

http://www.afa.org.sg/astats.htm

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DISCLAIMER:

This is a private message and the personal views of this writer does not reflect those of anyone mentioned within the article. At no time can this article be reproduced without permission by the writer.

Net Chats

A girlfriend of mine has just had the closest thing to being reborn. She joined the international chat community, she is an official Netizen.

It was interesting seeing her take her first few paces. A myriad of emotions seemed to overwhelm her. Excitement, surprise, uncertainty among others. Watching her was like a watching a flashback in time, when I first started chatting.

Phew. I've said it. I chat.

Certainly there shouldn't be any stigma associated with this. After all, it's supposed to be harmless anonymous communication with just about anyone with a computer. Web businesses have just about made a killing with this phenomenon, so what could possibly be wrong with it? Why did a part of me want to warn my friend about the perils of chatting?

The perils do not lie with the very concept of chatting. When you think about it, chatting is nothing more than a first introduction, with the chat software replacing a friend or family member as the middle man. Some liken it to meeting someone in a bar. Without the fear of immediate rejection.

Which brings me to a point. The fear of rejection is alive and well in cyberspace. It is this morbid and paralyzing fear of rejection that generates the first problem associated with chatting. Some people create profiles that are best kept to fantasy novels. Height, weight, waist size are either inaccurate or total fabrications. For unlike a bar setting where the visual impact cannot be hidden, the chat room buys you time. Perhaps the personality can overcome any initial concerns by the other party. So what could have been an immediate rejection could become a later acceptance based on a deeper connection. Yeah, right. A lie is a lie even in cyberspace.

The moralist in me wants to say if you can't be proud of who you are, and if other won't accept you for who you are, then stuff it.

But then again, there are other reasons why people go down the yellow brick road. Some have said that they get tired of using their real profiles and pictures only to have others hijack them for their own use. Fake profiles are so rampant that seriously no one knows who they are talking to anymore. And in an age where paedophiles and flesh eating men are scouring cyberspace, that is something to be truly concerned about.

Beyond the issue of identity though, you have to wonder what can come next from a chat. My girlfriend was mortified, being a net virgin that she is, to have had men offering to show her their willies on camera. Of course for the newbie that could be absolutely disgusting. But how long after the barrage of offers before curiosity sets in, you give in and you end up questioning your entire moral values. Is it wrong to see other willing and able adults bare all for cyberspace? Is it odd to be turned on by people you can't even touch?

Is it even odder that many chatters seem to have a dislike to take things to the next level? And hello, we aren't talking sex...yet. Text communication is one thing. Voice communication is another. And if you are in the same vicinity, face to face communication is the final goal. The 'bar' setting. Theoretically of course.

Many feel that taking the voice step is a huge one to take. And meeting in person, well, that is just too risky. I guess when people become used to communicating in cyberspace, real time becomes real hard.

Perhaps the fear of rejection is the prevalent issue still. It is so easy to hide behind text, a profile (real or fake) and not have to deal with the hassle of a real meeting. I have personally chatted with people who seem so wonderful online, but who refuse to talk on the phone or even meet. They seem more comfortable carrying on 'anonymous' chatting, which becomes ridiculous since chats eventually betray some part of yourself to the other person. How does anyone conduct anonymous chats when after a while it's no longer chats between strangers?

Of course there are the exceptions. There are people who are actually open to the possibility of making that great friend, or even lover. I too have heard the Hollywood fairy tale of people meeting their life partners through the internet. Whether we want to admit it or not, we all have secret desire to have a "You've Got Mail" scenario happen to us. We've all wanted to speak of a lot of 'nothings' that add up to a 'something'. Net relationships, like any real time connection takes time to develop, even longer I would argue. Trust is something that has left the room in cyberspace and it takes a leap of faith to say you really know the person you met online. But if real time meetings fail, then do we really have to blame it on the net? Could it be that real time dynamics and chemistry just did not work, as it could have been in say a 'bar' setting?

Still, imagine meeting that person. Imagine having a great time. Imagine being intimate. Invariably the question lingers, is this person putting on an act? Is this person for real? So even if real time dynamics work, what would I say to my friends and family about where I met this person? "Hi Mom, Dad, this is David, he is a US Navy man and I met him on the net...He's wonderful!!!". Yeah right. You don't know what's worse in terms of image: the fact he is a navy man or you met him on the net.

The stigma of a net chat.

Should I warn my girlfriend about the perils of chatting? Should I spare her the sleepless nights of chatting only to get a handful of truly meaningful relationships over a span of years?

I don't know. But I will say this. When you think about the old way of communicating, through the written word on paper, through letters, you realize how far we have come. But the sentimentalist in all of us will remember the joy of receiving a letter from a pen pal, cherishing every word that was written and every postage stamp that got it to its destination. Perhaps technology has made communication so disposable it becomes too easy to say things you don't necessarily mean or feel. And it has made language a bastardized construct as opposed to the art form it was before.

It's funny. While technology and communication is supposed to bring people closer together, it seems to be taking them apart. It becomes a pity that a fantastic medium of instant connection is not exploited for its true value. I admit I have chatted with a lot of people over say 4 years. But I can count with my fingers how many I have kept in touch with and forged meaningful relationships with. Perhaps though, those few people out of the thousands, and the hope of meeting yet another one of those great real people, make the next click on the mouse worth it.

Bush is back

BIG SIGH.

Bush is back.

It is interesting to generally see the bigger US cities supported Kerry. Could it possibly be big cities are where people with passports live? Or perhaps disposable income rich GLBT people reside there?

It is more telling that the yeehaaww colonies backed Bush. Unsurprising really. Let me tell you my experience in MIddle America before my family moved to a bigger city.

Not a lot of international news. Newspapers preferred to cover local news, read: "firefighters save dog from burning house". Lots of greasy junk food and refillable soda fountains.

A distant in law said: Oh yes i travel, I was in Las Vegas last year. Internationally? Oh NO. I cant stand long flights. There is a big world out there? Na, I dont like long flights. I don't have a passport.

Reaction: my eyes rolled to the sky so violently, they fell out of their sockets and onto the floor. And I might add, it was so hard to be plastic and smile politely. It appeared that there were enough ignorant people in Middle America that are so devoid of having an international perspective they are like a blank page you can write nonsense on. Singapore is in China. Tropical means only Hawaii. Filipinos are Latin American cousins. Bush is actually smart and Bushism should be put into the Oxford dictionary.

These people live in areas that Bush may have forgotten; there are people who are by Asian terms, very Kampung, very rural village. Economically challenged. Streets uncared for. Small dollar stores. Forget about Tiffany or Kenneth Cole. And Victoria's Secrets is something only naughty prostitute like girls wear.

I saw shops that have been abandoned, rows and rows of them. It was like a scene out of Bowling for Columbine. The mood was catching. Staying there too long would destroy your spirit. You would end up like the dust on the walls of those abandoned shops. Where was Bush's pro-employment initiatives there?

So I am glad I have my passport to bring me to places where life isn't dictated by fear and depression, even as the US is insisting even residents from the visa waiver program would have to get fingerprinted.

It will be more of a hassle to get in to the US I am sure. I foresee the walls of Fortress America getting higher and higher. And with the news of evangelical vote, the divide between Christian pro Israel US and the Islamic world may increase as well.

A Channel NewsAsia report before the results were announced interviewed an American male living in Singapore.

He said that he could not get over how non Americans are so concerned about the elections that should only be a matter for American citizens to grapple with. He said that all the issues Bush was discussing during the campaign trail, even about terror, was relevant only to Americans. Therefore, he concluded, it was basically no one else's business. Perhaps he was right, since news reports showed that Americans voted finally based on shared values, not about international politics and the US's conduct in it.

Still that interviewee seems to have wasted his time living away from home. If a blonde like Cameron Diaz can tell television viewers that having travelled widely, she realized Americans are alone in the world, then it is clear that American politics does affect other countries and should be viewed as inseparable from World politics. One must also remember a massive CNN initiative with the Oprah Winfrey Show before Iraq was invaded (notice the use of the word), where noted anchors/reporters made it clear that in every part of the world, on the ground the US has lost moral authority in the way it was conducting itself on the global stage.

That American in Singapore has shut his eyes to the impact his country has on others. Perhaps he is in Singapore to live up to his capitalist background. Take the riches of another place for one's own gain, then leave, never caring what has been left behind. It is colonialism for the new millennium.

And perhaps he could not see that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Global negative opinion towards a nation cannot be the fault of those that share that sentiment. It is illogical to accept that. Those that would are blind and arrogant. Much like the arrogance displayed at the post victory news conference today where much was elaborated on how freedom and democracy is a must for every nation of the world, and that is the only way to protect the safety of Americans in the long term. Have Americans ever wondered, who voted them to decide what is best for others? And if American politics is only a concern for citizens, why do they think they then have the moral right to interfere in other nations' politics? And is it possible that a different way of life could actually be ok?

Arrogance.

In classic Bush like form. And like the Ugly American visitor, the Channel NewsAsia interviewee. He is pro Bush.

It is sad.

Four more bad years.

BIG SIGH.

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footnote: it is funny. If democracy is so fantastic, then why hasn't Bush forced it into Brunei? Is Brunei a democracy, being Islamic and having a Sultan as an overall ruler? Probably does not matter either way, Brunei is rich. Politics may be politics, but money still rules ultimately.

Fragrance Reviews - Men Only

Hot Dude
Originally uploaded by shartz.

When the names of fragrances are permutations of the word ‘men’, you know it’s going to take some doing to separate the men from the boys.

What will it take to get red-blooded men rushing to the store? Could it be the FiFi awards (the Oscars of the fragrance industry) the scents have won? Or perhaps the packaging? Well, the following five fragrances have found ways to hit the right spots. Follow the finger snaps (1 for EW! to 5 for AH!) and you’ll know how to choose.

Jean Paul Gaultier – Le Male

Finally! A scent we can call our own!

Admit it: we do judge a man by his package. And in this case JPG wants you to judge Le Male (or The Male to you Anglophiles...duh) by its packaging.

A bottle in the shape of a muscular torso in a sailor’s outfit can cure any man’s homo-erectile dysfunction. It’s the stuff gay men’s fantasies are made of, and using the iconic sailor is a validation that gay culture is merging into mainstream consciousness. Mind you, a straight man might be tempted to push that poor excuse of a homo-wannabe status called metrosexual a little further!

Still, smooth sexy body aside, it’s always the inside that counts. A fine mix of lavender, mint, orange blossom and vanilla makes this scent sweet, and almost romantic. Fear not, sweet doesn’t mean feminine, and its musky undertones ensure that.

This is one distinctive scent that will make you unforgettable and it guarantees attention. Absolutely love it. Wear it like a badge on your sleeve, it solidifies your indentity without having to be draped in Pride colors! What does it deserve?

Verdict: 5 Snaps with both hands baby!


Dolce and Gabbana –Pour Homme

Have you ever arrived at the airport to check into cattle class, only to envy the gentleman walking confidently into the First Class lounge?

Well, guess what he would be wearing on his body? If it’s not you (yet), don’t worry. You can still get there if you run out and get Dolce & Gabbana Pour Homme (For Men…duh again).

Its sophistication starts right out the box. The blue velvety feel is as elegant as a Dolce and Gabbana fall collection suit, and the bottle follows a clean, uncluttered line.

The fragrance follows this idea through. The lemon, orange and lavender essences is surprisingly fresh and calm at the same time. It wraps around you without being overpowering. This is a scent that is truly an accessory, not the main attraction.

It would not be out of place in Monte Carlo or the French Riviera. It doesn’t scream, “Look at me!” and is more likely to suit the self assured, global traveler who gets invited to black tie events.

If you are yet to experience the joys of First Class, try this fragrance first. Aspiration always begins with inspiration.

Verdict: 4 Snaps in a Discrete Round the World Fashion


Marc Jacobs – Men

The bottle and the packaging would have us believe that men are as simple as a brick. I can’t say it wows me but together they garnered a FiFi for best packaging of 2003! Go figure.

The scent is something else though. It is certainly in a class of its own. It is distinctive although because it isn’t as visible or provocative (or targeted) as say, Le Male, it will take a while for people to catch up with recognition.

The first testing conjured up these words: creamy, coconut, tropical. I know it’s odd but smelling this made me want to order a pina colada and put on my tanning lotion.

Perhaps it is the rich, heavy odor of gardenia with honeysuckle. Or perhaps it’s the Egyptian jasmine, which is the costliest scent in the fragrance, that imparts the smooth silky mood.

Seeing that this scent is also a FiFi winner for Fragrance of the Year, it must have done something right. If you like your scents light, this could be for you. Now if only the packaging comes complete with your own beach boy!

Verdict: 3.5 snaps (as in snap, snap, snap and that’s enough!)


Chanel – Allure Men

I love Allure period. Case closed.

Seriously though, Chanel really knows how to make a person stand out without having to be outlandish. The ring on its cap is all it needs to attract attention. That is the mark of great style, which is what this fragrance is about.

I could go on and on about its composition, such as the sweetness of vanilla and the earthiness of patchouli. But to truly appreciate Allure Men is to understand the mastery in how it’s crafted.

Most fragrances "dry down" and smell different from the start to the finish. First you smell top notes, then middle, then base. Allure is rare in the fact that it is a multi-note fragrance that does not dry down in this fashion, but rather consistently maintains its own integrity.

Similarly, style is consistent. And the man who chooses this scent possesses this quality. He is comfortable in his own skin; he is not a wannabe. Imagine a man who is able to walk tall in tuxedo pants and sandals. Why? Because it’s just him. It’s the small details that sets him apart. They say that God is in the details, and if that is true, Allure is pure heaven. Really, really love this one.

Verdict: 5 snaps in a sweeping circle (like a Chanel ring!)


Ralph Lauren – Polo Blue

FiFi winner? Really? This is like Marisa Tomei winning the Oscar!

The flask like bottle is a yawn. And the blue packaging is a little expected. But the fragrance? Fortunately it is a little more than what was expected. There is a refreshing perkiness when you first spray it on, thanks to its top notes of cucumber and tangerine. And I am happy to report that this zing still carries through even though the dry down notes of basil and moss sets it down to a warm and spicy base.

Ralph Lauren says this latest fragrance is for the man who is masculine without being macho. I say that this fragrance is ‘safe’ and is for the homo in the blue jeans. This is not for the guy in that great Zegna suit, or the Zara shopathoner. This is for the man who prioritizes casual comfort over sharp elegance. He is the guy who labels himself as straight acting although there is nothing straight about him.

He is the anti-thesis of the guy who would love Le Male. Don’t misunderstand me, there is nothing wrong with the blue jeans dude. So if this is right up your alley, spray spray spray. I however, like my Zegnas. So….

Verdict: 3 Snaps, done really slowly…..

People are Dispensable, Like Sweaters

NOTE: THIS IS A SIMPLY A PIECE OF CREATIVE WRITING, INSPIRED BY A WELL WRITTEN NOTE (SEE BELOW). IT IS NOT MEANT TO DEMEAN OR BELITTLE OR DEGRADE THE CONTENT OF THE ORIGINAL MESSAGE. THIS PIECE IS JUST SOMETHING YOU WOULD EXPECT IF THERE WAS SUCH A THING AS FREEDOM OF SPEECH AND EXPRESSION IN SINGAPORE. A VALUABLE PRIVILEGE FOUND ONLY IN AMERICA AND EUROPE (NOT TOO SURE ABT GREAT BRITAIN THOUGH).

DO LAUGH DISCREETLY IF YOU MUST. BUT PLEASE RESPECT THE SWEATERS.

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As all of you undoubtedly now realize, when I have something to say I say it and money cannot buy me off from speaking my mind and fear cannot change my values and principles (other people may differ).

Redundancies unfortunately happens when you buy two sweaters of the same color. When you buy two sweaters of different colors, they serve different purposes. When you have bought too many sweaters and your wardrobe is full, you take responsibility and blame yourself for being greedy. Then if you need to clear the space in the wardrobe, you offer the sweaters to loving homes or to the less fortunate who can benefit from their beauty. But oh, to throw them in the waste basket would be, well a waste. Since they are after all beautiful.

But decisions like (these) are enormously difficult and they are arrived only after serious thought. Which to go, which to stay, which will make my dirty past go away. Oops. Is there truly a way to decide logically? Perhaps its best to go with, which sweater suits your personality and temperament. Your type of sweater. Even if they are basic black or tartan checks. And trash the rest that doesn't feel your new vibe.

But still, decisions like these are made for one reason only, to simply do what is best for the wardrobe, and one's plans to make it more suited to one's taste, and a possible expansion of that taste. Of course if you really want to do what is best for the wardrobe, you might consider making space in the ENTIRE wardrobe, and not just the sweater drawer. For example, say, the socks drawers too, and hmm, the underwear drawer. After all, just clearing sweaters won't truly clear up too much space and may make you look like you have something against your own sweaters, one may even call it a grudge or personal gripe against the clothing article that has worked so hard to keep you warm. Na. You don't want to be seen to be ungrateful.

But fashion is an ever changing entity, and although fashion should be about more than just sweaters, sweaters can never take their positions in the wardrobe for granted, unless they come back in style somehow in a few years. But by that time, you would buy the same designs again at higher prices anyway. Still the clearing of stock for one season is a limited event, and no further reduction should be anticipated....until the wardrobe needs freshening up next season of course.

Well, the future will look positive once you have more space. And you certainly can entertain ambitious plans to make your wardrobe even better than before, especially if you remove colors and just have basic black for every day of the year.

So while it is a difficult and unusual experience for most people to clear out their wardrobe, they should do it and get over it.

After all, what's a bunch of beautiful sweaters?



Sent:
To: All Singapore Staff
Subject:

As all of you undoubtedly now realise several redundancies were unfortunately announced today. Decisions like this are enormously difficult for all concerned and they are arrived at only after serious thought and for one reason only. The reason is simply what is best for the company, its shareholders and employees. Companies are ever changing entities and while none of us can ever take our positions for granted no further reduction in staff numbers are anticipated

The future is looking very positive for HBO Asia and we are hoping to announce some ambitious plans for the company soon. 

I realise this is a difficult and unusual experience for most but I hope all can put things behind them as we move the business of HBO Asia forward.


------------------------
footnote: the lady on the left of me, the one with the rose, i considered as my sister in the office. she stabbed everyone in the back including her boss, and eventually assumed her boss' position. way to go office politics!
oh and the fat guy next to me, is the main protagonist in everything that has happened , but of course that does not mean squat in terms of being humane and fair. am i bitter....NAAAA...anyone who has fantasies about japanese schoolgirls in stockings needs our sympathy. nuff said.

Sin-Gay-Pore?

An expatriate acquaintance told me this: One-third of Singaporean males are gay.

Wow. Is that even possible? In a country so anal and homophobic, I couldn't fathom how he could get to such a conclusion.

The odd thing was I seem to learn a lot about Singapore from foreigners. Another expat told me about Raffles City, a big mall in town. He said, "Stand in the center of the atrium, look up, and see all those guys leaning against the railings of the different floors. They are all cruising." That was fascinating to me. I took his dare and indeed I saw guys just standing around. At first I thought they were waiting for friends, or just resting, tired from shopping. Until I walked past a white male in his 50's trying to pick up a 20-something. It was unmistakable, especially when he was blaring out in his Aussie accent about his sexual prowess. The boy, in all his Asian sensibilities was obviously cringing at being the center of attraction in what was supposed to be discreet.

It was also through foreigners that I learned a few more truths about Singaypore. I discovered that the 'Pink Dollar' is starting to gain prominence. Shops and services catering to the gay community are on the rise. They may be poor cousins to what you may find in Compton Street or Christopher Street. But the spirit is all there.

It is a spirit which I only started feeling when I first visited New York a few years back. I admit it. The word 'gay' to me was dirty. Something conditioned by environment more than a personal ethos. Then a friend guided me into world of the 'beautiful' men. Flashing lights, thumping house music, tight jeans, and gigantic muscles. Apparently no self respecting fpt gay man would dance with a shirt on. Sad to say, prior to that experience, I shared the same misconception as any straight Singaporean that gay men were mostly twinkies; thin, submissive and effeminate (the stereotype that some foreigners go for, much like how their straight counterparts choose their Asian mail order brides).

But these were men. Everything you would assume men should be...but more. Of course not everyone was body beautiful. But neither were they the odd outsider, they were regular people with regular lives. And they had their existence recognized as a community. Suddenly I could see 'gay' as power.

So perhaps what the expatriate acquaintance told me is true. One-third of Singaporean males are gay. And of course that is yet to cover Lesbians, Transgendered and Bisexuals. But one will never be able categorically confirm the truth of the statement. Can anyone really know what turns another person on, either emotionally or sexually if they don't tell you?

With the Prime Minister saying the Government is open to hiring openly gay individuals/foreigners into public service, the Pandora's box has been blasted sky wide. Even gay Singaporeans who chose to enjoy anonymity cannot remain hidden anymore.

How can they? When even their 'sympathizers' write to the dailies saying 'Hate the sin, Love the sinner'. How can they when people have resurrected the absolutely stupid and incorrect notion that AIDS is a gay disease. How can they when one church chose to put up a huge banner on the side of its exterior wall, visible from the above ground subway tracks, calling for confused gay individuals to change their ways through God. How can they when Church groups are now doing online and offline hate campaigns to lobby the Government to overturn their positioning. As a journalist noted over the weekend, since when has the Church persecuted its neighbors and er, its Prime Minister?

I never believed in politicizing the issue of identity. One needs to be allowed to be who one chooses to be sans discrimination. But in considering the Church's position, and in respecting its stand on how immoral gay people are, I am left with the following questions:

-What recourse does the Church suggest, since the very existence of homosexuality appears to be against the teachings of Christianity? Will a hate campaign solve the issue or further divide the camps?
-Would rounding every Gay man, woman, child, animal and insect and marooning them on an island help? I believe such an island would be called Mykonos.
-Since the existence of homosexuals in society is considered damaging to morality, does the Church prefer them dead? Or perhaps would they prefer compulsory re-programming and/or institutionalization?
-How would the Church propose to identify who is gay and by which criteria? By how creative their hairstyles are? Haven't we all learned from the Salem witch hunt? Or should Arthur Miller be made compulsory reading?
-What would the Church do if they discovered gay individuals within their ranks, or the ministerial leadership, or business heads, the media, etc. Replace them with less qualified people?

So what can you say about the Prime Minister if Singapore? He is realistic. You just cannot ignore or persecute the 'crime' of existence. But he is treading on thin ice. Surrounded by a ring of fundamentalists as neighbors, it won't be easy to affect change. Malaysia has already joined a coalition to remove gay rights. 'Nuff said.

Still the march is on. There are so many Singaporean gay websites, businesses, social groups that change is inevitable. There is incredible strength in a collective identity. And when the Singaporean 'Pink Dollar' gets more powerful, there is no stopping the need for a new social order. After all, Singapore is all about dollars and cents.

Perhaps when the need for acceptance is led by yet another Government campaign will things get better. They succeeded with the racial harmony campaign, why not a 'Love Your Neighbor' or a 'So What?' campaign?

Perhaps one day, Singapore will join the ranks of Europe, Australia and the Americas and have its own Pride Parade. God and perhaps even the Singapore Government knows its a real tourist dollar booster. A theater group is about to stage a play about it (surprising since the authorities passed it).

Perhaps one day life will imitate art.

Dictator.

This is a letter to a guy named Ken, in response to something he wrote:

__________________

hi ken

you dont know me. but i had the (dis) pleasure of reading an article you have been sharing around, titled "trying to help" by dennis miller.

my first reaction to it was not one of disgust or horror, but one that can be summarised by a single American born notion: "WHATEVER".

i am sure it was supposed to lighten the seriousness of the situation. so i wanted to lay it down as being so stupid, so idiotic and unthinking, that it truly didnt deserve any attention from anyone with half a brain.

see, i realized that it did take half a brain to write that article. only half a brain would make presuppositions, false historical claims and factual errors, and finally urge people to give up all human decency and intelligence to support a war that is becoming mass entertainment on CNN. isnt it wonderful that the US military has allowed MTV, the Rolling Stones mag, and journalists to climb on board their vehicles as they 'charge' into Iraq in a war that would 'shock and awe'. view from the ground...hmm.isnt it amazing that the US can turn an expedition to kill into a 3 ring circus with colorful bombastic rhetoric and imaginative press releases.

many things can be said about the US tactics, from how the government tries to generate support for the cause by instilling mass fear about further terrorist aggression, by blaming that on everyone else without acknowledging responsibility since the current foreign policy is igniting reactions worldwide, by not understanding that when you hit a animal, it would most likely end up biting you in self defense. but hey these can be debated right?

But:

one thing is true.

regardless of who is right or wrong. people will die. more iraqi than americans or british. esp since its becoming more apparent that iraq has disarmed. think about it. its a chess game. if iraq fights back, they would have proven bush's claim of their aggression. if they dont, they will get invaded. either way they lose. if this was about just saddam's regime, there would have been other ways to get him out. assassination? hmm just a thought. today however, CNN reported that US troops were targeting quote 'the prize'. Iraqi oil fields. now, do you need minimum education to understand what this means and what the final objective is?

i dont know you. and i dont judge you. but understand that propagating and distributing such an article is dangerous. if it is read by people with half a brain, the war could end up achieving the moral legitimacy it doesnt deserve.

btw i assume youre american. i know you guys believe saddam is a dictator. i agree. but hey look at this definition in the webster's dictionary:

Main Entry: dic·ta·tor
Pronunciation: 'dik-"tA-t&r, dik-'
Function: noun
Etymology: Latin, from dictare
Date: 14th century
1 a :a person granted absolute emergency power; especially :one appointed by the senate of ancient Rome b:one holding complete autocratic control c:one ruling absolutely and often oppressively
2:one that dictates


i suppose autocratic control, ruling absolutely presupposes rule without the mandate of the majority, and/or the people. it is totally non democratic, non elected and non supported.

funny. sounds like your president is a dictator too.

food for thought.

take care ken.

The Mourning After

The old saying that time heals all wounds is not absolutely true. Much of the world events today are born of things that happened in the past.

The American President George W. Bush’s hatred for Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. The escalating Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Everything can be traced to historical roots.

Is it so unreasonable for people to put things in perspective and move on to a better, more hopeful future?

Why can’t people just get over it and get a life?

Three days ago, my family observed a quiet memorial day. It was the first year anniversary of the death of my nephew, who would have been two this year.

I still remember the time I received the call.

It seemed like any other day. Slog at work, come home to my Macintosh. Then the call came. And everything came crashing down. If anything it was the screaming in my head that made me feel like my being had exploded and had spread out over a thin area. I was bouncing off walls for the wrong reasons with no destination. The feeling of not knowing what to do, the inability to change what cannot be changed, was overwhelming.

One year on, that has not left me.

I enjoy my bus trips to work. Sometimes, those few minutes give me some of my better ideas for work. Since then however, I’ve also been visited with memories. Just like my better ideas, these memories come out of the blue. And the same screaming returns.

Perhaps it stems from a sense of guilt. Contrary to being a good Muslim, I sometimes find myself questioning the logic of such a loss. He was a special child. It is a stand I take not because he was my nephew, but because it is a fact. They say every child is special and that may be true. But this baby was an old soul with a mind that was learning and processing at a very fast rate. So why this child?

I toyed with the possibility of punishment. Did my family do something wrong to deserve this? Were we being dealt with in this life for our vanity? Truly, the baby was a source of joy and pride. I myself thought he was so cute and more importantly, gentle that I put him in one of my film projects. Even my crew felt that he was so much better than the other child we had on standby. That made me feel proud.

Historically speaking, vanity has always been punished with tragedy. Just look at Michael Jackson. Moot point.

Still, the reasons why eludes me. And perhaps that is how it is meant to be. They say that everything happens for a reason. But maybe that reason is not for us to know.

Yesterday my manager was reviewing a trailer I was cutting for the movie “The Accidental Tourist”. In it, a couple had to deal with the premature death of their pre-teen son. The anguish and the sorrow, the impact of the family seemed all too close for comfort.

My manager asked me why people couldn’t just deal with the tragedy of loss and move on.

It was then that I learned something.

For all the sayings of a better tomorrow, only one thing is true. That until Armageddon is upon us, there is always a tomorrow. Is it better? That is something else.

For me, the pain does not soften as it is tied to memories. Memories are potent deliverers of what you no longer have. You do not stop grieving over losses, you never do. You take it and store it aside in an attempt to cope and carry on. But the mourning never ceases. So while you do not wake up with a puffy face, swollen eyes and a major headache like the first morning after the loss, you do not stop mourning regardless.

I don’t think we are meant to forget when something as monumental as this happens. As humans, we are given a will. And that is what you will have to use to manage the loss.

So you don’t forget. You never do. And for all the things that are happening in the world today, you can’t knock the fact that the past is an active ingredient to what will happen in qqthe present and future.