The Anatomy of An Affair

two cast members from grey's anatomy came on oprah.

and the lead actress said that there was one scene she had to do that she hated.

in it, she was making a case to her married lover.

"Meredith Grey: Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."

the actress hated that because she said she would never plead for a man's attention. revealing that she had been in a similar position, she said she would express her love, but would then see if he would step up.

for those who don't know, the entire show started with the beginnings of an affair. one that meredith grey had no intention or concept of being the other woman.

it's an old story, where a marriage / long term relationship is on the rocks. the man goes out to satisfy his emotional/sexual needs before he clears up the mess at home. and then creates a new mess with new lives.

the accountability factor is shared, by the troubled couple as well as anyone else who comes into that contract.

but that is where the black and white ends.

because relationships are complex. and while hindsight is 20/20 and external perceptions are more objective, those in the contract usually find it hard to see the light. i use the term 'contract' for specific reasons, but primarily because any relationship is a type of agreement between the concerned parties, that for one reason or another, have chosen to be in that situation.

watching 'grey's anatomy' it is easy to point fingers, to yell out 'dump him!', and to see it for its objective truths. and the truths include facts. such as the fact that men usually never leave their long terms partners or spouses for their lovers, and if they do 90 % of those new relationships don't work out because of trust issues.

cut to another oprah episode.

'women's worst nightmare'...where their husbands cheat on them with their best friends.

the same old stories about betrayal, the hurt, the remorse, with men crying and pleading for forgiveness.

but what was missing was the other point of view. which came swiftly from a woman who wanted to use the show as a cathartic experience. to exorcise what had happened. she was the other woman.

through her account, a few things rang clear. and parallels were drawn between her experience in real life and that of meredith grey's in reel life. the most glaring of all was that she never planned on it, and that she believed her love was bigger than the circumstances and that love would prevail.

while there may be those who plan to be 'home wreckers', there are just as many who never thought they could be in a relationship with someone unavailable. those who count themselves as intelligent, worldly, and even spiritual would say they could never see themselves in such a hopeless situation. which makes it even harder to swallow when they do.

human relationships are not drawn up on paper. they are borne out of a process that takes time, and effort. and usually fulfills needs that may not be apparent at first glance.

third parties get their defences chipped away by kind words, affection, the connection that can only come from another person trying to fill a void that should have been covered by their partners.

do people possess steel doors to their emotional self? the argument exists that the emotional bridge is the most dangerous to build and cross, even though it is the most gratifying in the right circumstances. sex is just sex until the emotional connection is made.

i submit to you that affairs do not begin at the point of sexual contact, but rather when emotions and feelings are shared and exchanged.

so how is anyone able to judge 'the other woman'? who was the initiator? does it even matter? but can a person's feelings be faulted?

again:

"Meredith Grey: Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."

this particular quote holds its own truths. that love can be all consuming and self sacrificing. that a believe in that love can lead people to plead for reciprocation. that such a love is the most idealistic possible, for it exists in conflicted territory and the most impossible of situations.

not all third parties are sluts, evil, cruel, home wreckers, husband stealing, damned in the eyes of God creatures. no one wishes unhappiness upon another person. and most 'other women' would argue that they are not the cause of the initial unhappiness in the home to begin with.

still, a love that needs pleading to be reciprocated is not love, for it is unshared. perhaps what can be finally said is that a man who seeks attention and affection outside of his home, troubled or not, is a man incapable of truly sharing his love and affections completely, for he is always seeking to divide himself, in the hope that he becomes complete from the sum of the parts he puts out.

but again, hindsight is 20/20.