Just A Thought Final: Who.

I have always been told I could write. And I have always used writing as a way to put my thoughts on the table and to iron them out. Sometimes I fail, for even words cannot capture the depth of what I feel.

Other thoughts are clear and final. Even in the blackest of emotions. So here it is. To be posted on the blog as a remembrance. Dedicated to SN, JL, IB, CW, HSM, KC, SHR, EL and T.

Just a Thought 14 August 2005: Who.

--------------------------------------------------------

I am a believer in the good in people.

I am a believer in the value of friendship.

I am a believer in the thickness of blood over water.

I am a believer in hope.

I am an optimist, a pessimist, a realist.

I am a thinker and a feeler.

I am creative and I am logical.

I am a soul living in God's graces.

I am a little boy that believes in fairy tales.

I am a dreamer that believes in the impossible.

But above all...

I am a believer in the power and beauty of love over all other things.

.....................................................................................................

By the time you read this,

I would be dead.

All that the truths of who I am, will no longer be.

And what I was, is forever burned into these words to remember by.

There will be no present tense. Only past.

No is, just was.

Could, would, should.

Should you mourn, do not grieve.

For at one time or other, I was all of these things.

With a view that I am worthy for happiness and greatness.

Destiny did not smile. Fate did not beckon.

And what is left is ashes for worms.

Goodbye. Apologies.

And know you were truly loved by one so undeserving and empty.

One More For The Road

On a flight back from NY, I had my version of the mile high club. I had fun with myself...and my Canon digital ixus camera. It's amazing what you can do with a mirror...mmmm....goes to show you how fun a 22 hour flight can be...

Now, yet another side of me...

Ok I really don't know what I was thinking. There was a theme for the party. Some costume thing. I think I went in as some Frenchie from the French Countryside, bearing a basket with a hard loaf. Except that I didn't bring my french oaf, I mean loaf. Anyway this was pre-Paris Hilton days but as you can tell from the pictures, she certainly got her signature pose from moi! I should have set a patent or copyright on this over the shoulder look! Anyway I remember now, I did the whole ensemble on purpose to turn on ONE person in the party. Somehow the Chelsea Boy look wasn't going to cut it with that big lump of burning lurrvveeee. By the way the outfit was authentic to my plan and it was some expensive shit bought in Hong Kong at Lane Crawford, both French designers, pants Gaultier (which my mom cut to shreads afterwards sigh).

At least I can say I am versatile, in more ways that one! HA HA HA HA HA!!!! Ah well, back to being an A&F boy. Oh wait, someone told me to lose the look past a certain age. Sigh. I guess I'll have to reconsider Gaultier then....

Btw, one woman in this group turned out to be a backstabbing mother-!@#$ing SOB. oops, I am not bitter :-). I wonder why I am awake at 3 am uploading all this crap. Ever since I got back to Singapore, I have never felt right for some reason. Bad sleeping habits, allergies...gee, and I don't even have a fat black book to make up for that. Sheesh...time to move on.

Rubbing Shoulders

I could never see actors to be more that what they were. People with jobs. I never really got star struck by anyone, except for Linda E. And that was only because she was iconic and she loved my eyes. But that's about it. Sometimes I do wonder what it would be like to trade places. Live their lifestyle. The jets, the cars, the free ticket to anywhere. Staying at the W. Vacationing in the South of France. But this morning I watched Lance 'Live Strong' 'I-Got-Testicular-Cancer' Armstrong's story on Oprah. And you realize that everyone, even stars can lose their balls if it's so fated. And Kylie? She almost lost those boobs. And in any case we are all destined to be worm food anyway. So why place stars on pedestals. You gotta admire King Fahd, who recently passed away. He got buried in an unmarked grave with commoners. See, the Muslim belief is that when you die, you die alone and death is truly the great leveller. We are not supposed to be vain, especially in death. And really, having a beautiful grave or tomb is just a waste of mulah. You are part of the human community and that's all there is to it.

PS. When you look at the picture with Matt, who looks better? Seriously.

Beauty Shots

Ah Days When I was Beautiful...

Magazine Covers

The thing I love about blogging is the ability to express yourself with no fear of judgement. And the ability to be as vain as you want, with no censorship. So here goes. The start of many haha...Vlog coming soon!

Courage to Change

disclaimer: this entry has no bearing on any circumstances, real or imagined in the world today. it is simply a thought process discovered while going shopping for bananas. literally.

_________________________________________________________

I had an epiphany today.

Imagine a situation where you can either choose to keep your life as you know it or take a drastic step to change it to something else. Sure it takes courage to make changes in your life. Sure the unknown is scary. But if the status quo is something that is known and familiar, then you really don't need courage to stay in the same spot. It just simply isn't scary.

When one is trying to decide whether to change or not, it means that the status quo is no longer satisfactory, or else a consideration for change would not even exist. And should courage be needed to assert change, that belief presupposes the change is necessary, even desired, if not already in existence.

Which means, one must be in the position of knowing that it is there, to be able to acknowledge the need for courage. So perhaps, making a change is not as scary as one thinks. For one would already know that change is already in current reality. And the only thing that is unsure of, is whether one is willing to recognize its presence.

When you think about countries that go through revolutions, and people who go through gender re-assignments, and the list of circumstances grow on and on, resistance happens when one does not want to recognize the presence of a new reality and the challenges it could bring. But do we need to fear the future? Doesn't change simply mean second chances, renewed possibilities, unimagined opportunities? Or does it mean sacrifices, pain, eternal uncertainty and destruction? Doesn't change feed a need for a renaissance of sorts, a rejuvenation of past practices in the hope of betterment and fulfilment?

I guess the summary for me is this: if one is considering change, chances are, it's already here. So why fear it?

Just a thought.

Loony Tunes

I am as done as an over roasted chicken
As over as a done deal
As finished as a bad movie
As bad as a finished meal

Whoopie let's toast the dead duck
Loopy like the loon called Daffy
No one will miss the smells in the oven
Totally Nuked and Fried by Acme

TADA

Pray for the dearly departed
But never cry a tear of pity
WHEEEEEEEE to the unworthy
would that me or me or me?

Buhbye says Bugs
That's all folks hee hee ha ha
Rub the rabbit's foot you fool
Maybe there is no ta ta

BIG FINISH

RIP RIP RIP
Three times for luck
But really when the cartoon is over
Who gives a flying fuck

Poem No.1 | 05

we seek the specter of coincidence
gathering grains of hope from the ground
connecting dots in an undrawn map
telling truth nor knowingness, none around

with light in heart, smiling openly
acceptance abundant, such careless desires
filling the void long forgotten
sending the souls to places higher

blinding flashes, sepia toned speed
lives led, lost, leaves lives left empty
unknowing, unknown unearths the covered void
digging deeper that the deepest sea

beauty remains as beauty appears
quickly, suddenly it comes and goes
at once enriching, again dividing
separating, turning lovers and foes

in the vacant void of hades unrest
the shades of possibility points to nowhere
burned bridges conceal no chances
to regain what's lost over there

we stand alone, yearning as we seek
the joy of the deserved, the freedom to fly
tracing dots on a path to each other
knowing the truth of no more goodbyes

When Opposites Collide

SO CUTE HOR? I'm the pussy hahaha :-)

Lessons from High School: Riverdale High

I met John Travolta. I asked him which movie he made was his favorite. Being the politically correct person he is, he didn't give an outright answer.

Which is odd considering for the 20th anniversary of Grease, he claimed the movie musical was his favorite. And while I am not a big JT fan, that movie is one of mine.

There was something magical about it. From the opening score of Love Is A Many Splendoured Thing, which can trigger my mom's retelling of the tragic love story between a Chinese girl and a Caucasian man that inspired the song; to the ethereal visual quality of JT in silhouette at the drive in when he sang Sandy.

They don't make movies like that anymore, where the spirit of the film makers literally pounce out of the screen. Where simple story telling is really the key to a great movie.

Friendships, love, heartache are all taken in micro doses, with no concerns of the global, more macro view on things. What I found appealing was this idea that love can be simple, even as life can throw a curve ball, and love can make even the hardiest person change.

In the last bits of dialogue, Danny Zucko says, "You know you guys are important to me, but Sandy is too, and I'm going to do anything to get her."

Of course, thanks to movie magic, Sandy was also transforming herself to be more like her man.

While feminists these days would scoff at the idea of changing their identities for a man, there is a very appealing quality in the idea that two people would be willing to move mountains to be with their lovers.

People don't live in a vacuum, and in a relationship, it is never about two strong individual personalities trying to cram into one space. Still it is beautiful in its simplicity.  That love changes everything.

Even the closing scene, where the characters wonder what would happen after graduation. And whether they would be together. The answer, as it may have been when we were all in high school, was simple.

We go together like
rama lama lama
ke ding a de dinga a dong
remembered for ever like
shoo bop shoo wadda wadda yipitty boom de boom

Chang chang chang-it-ty chang
shoo-bop
That's the way it should be
Wha oooh yeah!

We're one of a kind
Like dip di-dip di-dip
Doo-bop a doo-bee doo
Our names are signed
Boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy
boog-e-dy
Shoo-by doo-wop she-bop
Chang chang chang-it-ty chang
shoo-bop

We'll always be like one
Wa-wa-wa-waaa!

Can life be that simple. Do we complicate our own existence with the whys, wherefores, therefores and the shoud'ves, could'ves and would'ves? Can our feelings be pared down to its barest minimum, in an attempt to be as honest as we possibly can.

Can we economize our words, our adjectives, our verbs to keep things short and sweet. For example:

Sandy can't you see
i'm in misery
We made a start
Now we're apart
There's nothin' left for me
Love has flown
All alone I sit
And wonder wh - yi-yi-yi
Oh why you left me
Oh Sandy

Oh Sandy, baby, someday
When High School is done
Somehow someway
Our two worlds will be one
In heaven forever
And ever we will be
Oh please say you'll stay
Oh Sandy

And even faced with rejection, with fear and even confusion, can the outlook still be kept positive. We all have a tendency to give in to the negatives, but can it not be that even while the situation may be bleak, our true desires aren't? For example:

Guess mine is not the first heart broken, my eyes are not the first to cry
I'm not the first to know, there's just no gettin' over you

I know, I'm just a fool who's willing to sit around and wait for you
But baby can't you see, there's nothin' else for me to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you

But now there's nowhere to hide, since you pushed my love aside
I'm not in my head, hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you, hopelessly devoted to you

My head is saying "fool, forget him", my heart is saying "don't let go"
Hold on to the end, that's what I intend to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you

Perhaps keeping it simple is to trust your heart and do the illogical. Perhaps the clearest path is the one that does not see into the future. We dump crap on ourselves because as we grow into adulthood, all our actions are based on our future yields. We think about consequences and potential failures instead of living for today. That is not to say we are to ignore our responsibilities and the rejecting accountability for our actions. It just means living life simply and enjoying it means to make the best of what you have today.

Sometimes I think we are not meant to try to grasp the big picture all the time. It's not within our reach, our capacities are limited. We should leave that to God and have faith that if we keep ourselves open day by day, the big picture will be ok. Perhaps we are meant to take our life experiences as little drops in the ocean, so that we are better able to digest and understand them.

Maybe life should be like a song from Grease. Abbreviated. Clean. Simple. Short. Sweet. Life may then return to what it was in high school, with not too much drama.

What's that playing on the radio?
Why do I start swaying to and fro?
I have never heard that song before
But if I don't hear it anymore

It's still familiar to me
Sends a thrill right through me
Cause those chords remind me of the night that I first fell in love to
Those magic changes
My heart arranges
A melody that's never the same
A melody that's calling your name
And begs you please come back to me
Please return to me don't go away again
Oh, make them play again
The music I wanna hear as once again you whisper in my ear
Ooh my darlin'

I'll be waiting by the radio
You'll come back to me some day I know
Been so lonesome since our last goodbye
But I'm singing as I cry-iy-iy

While the bass is sounding while the drums are pounding
Beatings of my broken heart will rise to first place in the
charts
Oh my heart arranges
Oh those magic changes

Whoa-whoa-ah-oh
Whoa-whoa-ah-oh yeah
Oooooo

What Lies Ahead

i guess i must be improving. they say u need to hit rock bottom before you get back up.
ive relearned what it means to feel empty. like nothing means anything anymore. nothing makes sense.
my mistake was allowing myself to believe in the fairy tale. when there is no such thing.
i went against my cynicism and chose to believe in the possibilities.
but there are no happy endings. the only consolation is at least now i know for sure. thats not my destiny.
so im meant for something else, i wonder what that could be.
i hate the corporate world. i hate liars. i hate the notion of love because its all a farce.
everyone lies, cheats, everyone is out for their own selfish gain.
so why bother.
there is no meaning in it.
just a big blank numbness at the centre of my forehead.

The One

"I've been dating since I was 16...where is he??!"
Charlotte York pre-Goldenblatt, Sex and the City


They say that part of our life mission is to be on a search to find our other halves. But in world of billions, that person might not even be on the same continent. Even if you believe you are in the right place, the possibilities are still endless and the chances of meeting that special someone the first time around is literally one in a million. With so many choices out there, how many do you have to date before you tell yourself you have found 'the one'?

We are always asked by well meaning friends and family, what our ideal partner would be like. More often than not, there would be a list of physical attributes that we would consider most attractive. Then, there would be a set of values that hopefully would be attached to that gorgeous being.

A atypical answer could be: He/She has to be taller/shorter, with blonde/brunette hair, dark/blue eyes, with the the top measuring (X inches) and waist (X inches). Oh and he/she has to be trustworthy, career oriented, loves animals, travels the world and does charity in his/her free time.

And there lie the problems. For one thing, the perfect package, while entirely possible, may be a Hollywood driven ideal. We have seen that in the movies, where the cute, young, successful person can do it all and has room for a partner within that busy lifestyle. But what movie do you know of that is being played right outside your door? More importantly though, for one to dream of such an ideal state, one must be deserving of it. Meaning, are you living that ideal; are you that ideal to begin with? They say like attracts like, so how many of your friends do you know wants to marry Tom Cruise but looks like Marge Simpson?

Sure we all have our fantasies. And that's not wrong. But shouldn't our fantasies be tempered with a dose of reality from looking at the mirror?

Let's say, for argument's sake, that you are absolutely realistic about yourself, and you know what you deserve. Does this make it any easier? Do the options get narrowed down? Chemistry aside, there would still be a whole world of possibilities out there.

A friend of mine asked me last night, can you give up meeting all these great people in New York to settle with one person. While I knew my instinctive answer, I wondered what the realistic one would be. When would you know for sure that the search is over? What would tell you the search ends right here?

And New York in particular, with its incredibly droolicious buffet of bods and backgrounds, and no one is a Xerox copy of each other, how can you tell which one satisfies most, if not all of your needs? The truth is, I am not longer certain that any one person can satisfy everything. If that were the case, then people would live in cocoons big enough for two, and they would not need to socialize beyond that. Still, we aren't talking friendship. And the bigger issue is what would stop you cold from dating anymore, to be taken off the market, and off the shelf. What would settle you down with One as opposed to the many.

It is not an easy thing to draw quick conclusions. But as I grow older, I am realizing the one does not need to have the complete package like a Ken or Billy doll. And more often than not, the one is not about the total package in your fantasy, but a total package in terms of care: a care package.

Two of the writers from Sex and the City wrote a book last year. I will spare you the details but there was a section that redefined dating in the new millennium. And they focused on the values that you should be applying to yourself and to others when you are searching for the one.

Basically beyond the superficiality of the looks and the career etc, what binds people together is truly the values they share. And the boundaries they realistically have to set. What can they live with, or not live with? How do they want to be treated, and how they would treat that person. What codes of behavior would best show the person for who he/she is?

Then it became clearer. There is code you can adhere to, one that is not based on the ideal package but one based on the care package.

Does he/she keep his/her word? For example, when they said they would call at a certain time, do they?
Do they consistently keep in touch with you because you are priority one?
Have they rejected you before then decide to come back to you for reasons known only to them?
Do they break appointments with you?
Do they have a pattern of deception?
Does he/she want to change you or accepts you for who you are, warts and all but encourages your growth?
Do they show by action that they care for you, as opposed to just saying it?
Are they excited about being around you? Not the kind of excitement of first lust/passion/dating, but on an everyday basis?
Do they say they love you but are not sure that they are in love with you? Is that something you are willing to accept? (note: the book says that 'I Love You' means 'I don't want to hurt you' and 'I am not sure I am in love with you' means 'I am not in love with you'. Simple but real.

Are they around when you need them, and even when you don't?

There will always be someone else more physically attractive, someone richer, someone better educated, and the list goes on. But what is a fit for you needs to be based on the values you hold dear. And perhaps once you understand yourself on that level, then the choices really do get narrowed down to 'the one', It may take some time, it may be a tedious process, but if this is for the rest of your life, is it not worth investing the time? And once you do find a fit, is it not time to say you can give up meeting all these other great people. Even in New York. Because by that time, the one great person for you is already by your side.