grieving

My dearest Mooch,

I was watching Will and Grace and there was an episode where Grace was grieving over the loss of someone she loved. The rest of the characters tried to cheer her up, and after weeks of not responding, they took drastic measures and put her under a cold shower. Then she fought back with an energy she had not shown in a while. But not for the reasons they hoped.

She said to them that while they have handled various casualties in their lives well, she couldn't. She said she was not as strong as that and she needed to handle it the best way she knew how even though it may have seemed wrong.

I realize that no matter how well intentioned my friends and family are, I need to grieve you my way. So here is a start.

I know now you are gone. I know now God has taken you and is keeping you safe. I know you can no longer hear me or read my thoughts. But I like to think somewhere out there, you are still watching over me. I feel like the connection can never be severed.

So I am going to still share my thoughts. Until I know it's ok to let go. Sometimes I fear if I let go, I'll forget you. I don't want to forget you.

Guess what I did today? I did my classic moves on various sections of the travel industry. From SQ's biz class lounge to the TG management, who btw had a special package for me when I got onboard. Nice to know the loudest bark gets the bone...or boner. At Bangkok Airport, the immigration guy was a trainee, and he literally took eons to finish ONE person. Which would have still been ok, except that he lunged at me when I asked why he was taking so long. Literally. I felt threatened. He probably never met someone like me. And it didn't take too long before I hauled his ass into the Immigration Manager's office.

I realized that I needed to learn to switch off. Coz what he did upset me so much I felt my heart beat real fast. So in the cab, I mentally told myself it's ok. And actually when I saw the Hilton Hotel in the distance, calm came over me.

I love this hotel. The people know me. It's very grand. It's peaceful. I wish you could share this with me.

I also went for a thai massage tonight. It was nothing like my first experience years back. This time it was calming. So much that even though the masseur lightly and accidently touched my er, areas, it didn't matter and I actually fell asleep. But while he was massaging me, I was imagining sharing that moment with you. It would have been funny because I know profanities would flow out of your mouth coz thai massage can hurt sometimes.

Funny how the things that you used to hate, are the things that you miss.

Anyway goodnight dearest.

Loving you always,

Shtinky

one eyed wiser

watching will and grace doesn't help. i still have you in a special place in my heart. i love you. if only the good eye sees clearly. here is a shout out to the universe that doesn't listen. happy belated birthday. wiser?

I Will Not Sin...a letter to Elie Wiesel

Hello from China,

There was a movie that for a long time, I had avoided watching simply because it was THAT good.

It won Oscars. It won critical acclaim. It renewed and reviewed interest in its subject matter.

It was directed by one of my favorite directors, Steven Spielberg.

It was Schindler's List.

Yet I didn't go to watch it at the theater. Because it was THAT good.

I feared watching it. Because I was not unfamiliar with the subject. I remembered watching television mini-series when I was younger and even then I couldn't bear it. I remembered studying it and the images left in my head were frightening. I could not and cannot fathom the things people can do to one another.

How neighbors can betray people they have lived next to for years. How unspeakable cruelty could be meted out to human beings. How countless lives were snuffed out for reasons that could never be justified.

About a month ago, I watched famed Nobel Peace Prize Winner Elie Wiesel walk through the haunted paths of Auschwitz with Oprah Winfrey. Oprah had chosen his book, Night, to be a selection of her book club. That special episode was compelling, and for some parts allowed the stories of those who perished to carry on, to never be forgotten.

An excerpt from the book:

"Never shall I forget that night, the first night in camp, which has turned my life into one long night, seven times cursed and seven times sealed. Never shall I forget that smoke. Never shall I forget the little faces of the children, whose bodies I saw turned into wreaths of smoke beneath a silent blue sky. Never shall I forget those flames which consumed my faith forever. Never shall I forget that nocturnal silence which deprived me, for all eternity, of the desire to live. Never shall I forget those moments which murdered my God and my soul and turned my dreams to dust. Never shall I forget these things, even if I am condemned to live as long as God Himself. Never."

The story of the Holocaust cannot be just of the experience of one race of people. There is a bigger lesson to be learned, something Mr Wiesel himself has spoken about. Targeting atrocities around the world, he said a superpower like the United States cannot stand by and let them happen. Simple because he went through what could be the worst of human hatred, and he KNEW what cannot be repeated.

Racial Profiling. Ethnic Cleansing. Genocide.

In the past few weeks, I have managed to get a hold of a copy of Schindler's List. Commendable. Raw. But more importantly, it was THAT good. It gave moving images to remind people never to forget.

The power of popular media can help, as in the case of Spielberg's movie and Oprah's special in Poland by helping people not to forget. But used for other reasons, it can also blind people from the truth of human suffering, and who exactly is the victim or the aggressor. It can give justifications to actions where there should never have been any. It may be said that if Germany had a better media and PR network, and a stronger alliance with certain powers, that their acts of crimes against humanity would have gone on longer than it had been. And certainly, according to Mr Wiesel, the United States did nothing for about four years.

Today, reports are flooding in about civilian deaths in the Middle East. I am not in any position to say who is in the right or wrong. But all I see now are things to be feared than the images within Spielberg's masterpiece. Because everything that we should not forget, is happening again.

I am not anti-semitic. And most of you know that. But I cannot find answers to questions of appropriate response to what is happening today. And I cannot understand why, once again, the United States have chosen to drag their feet when they are the key proponents of democracy, equality, justice and liberty.

Thankfully there are still living survivors of the Holocaust, people who can pass their stories down to younger generations. And some of them were in the studio when Elie Wiesel was addressing the youth of American on Oprah's follow up show.

THEY would know I am sure, how it feels like to be profiled, to be stripped of necessities, to have your identity mocked and driven into the sand.

Elie Wiesel said,""...to remain silent and indifferent is the greatest sin of all...".

I will not sin.

What is happening right now is wrong. There can be no justification on either side. And playing the numbers game in how many more can be killed before one side bends to the power of another is playing God.

The following is an extract from an article about the situation in the Middle East. Some of you may be able to find facts to challenge the findings below. And I actually welcome that. I should also say that I know of many people who have traveled to Jerusalem. And have witnessed it all. Does anyone listen? Is popular media playing the role it needs to assume?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


-Did you know that non-Jewish Israelis cannot buy or lease land in Israel [the Zionist entity]?

-Did you know that cars owned by Palestinians are colour coded to distinguish Jews from non-Jews?

-Did you know Palestinians are not allowed to move from one city, say Gaza to Bethleham, to another without first getting a 'visa' from the Israelis?

-Did you know Palestinian youth, both Christians and Muslims are denied access to their Holy sites routinely?

-Did you know that Israel allots 85% of the water resources for Jews and the remaining 15% is divided among all Palestinians in the territories? For example in Hebron, 85% of the water is given to about 400 Jewish settlers, while 15% must be divided among Hebron's 120,000 Palestinians?

-Did you know the United States awards Israel $5 billion in aid each year? Let's not even get to the allocation of the US defence budget to Israel.

-Did you know last year the trade between the UK and Israel increased by 20 per cent? The BRITECH trade agreement means there is now a 15.5 million joint fund to encourage co-operation between British and Israeli Hi-tech companies.

-Did you know that yearly US aid to Israel exceeds the aid the US grants to the whole of the African continent?

-Did you know that Israel is the only country in the Middle East that has nuclear weapons?

-Did you know that Israel is the only country in the Middle East that refuses to sign the nuclear non-proliferation treaty and bars international inspections from its sites?

-Did you know that Israel currently occupies territories of two sovereign nations (Lebanon and Syria) in defiance of United Nations Security Council resolutions?

-Did you know that Israel has for decades routinely sent assassins into other countries including Europe to kill its political enemies? Also made into another Spielberg movie, Munich.

-Did you know that high-ranking military officers in the Israeli Defence Forces [IDF] have admitted publicly that unarmed prisoners of war were executed by the IDF?

-Did you know that Israel refuses to prosecute its soldiers who have acknowledged executing Palestinian prisoners of war?

-Did you know that Israel routinely confiscates Palestinian bank accounts, businesses and land and refuses to pay compensation to those who suffer the confiscation?

-Did you know that Israel blew up an American diplomatic facility in Egypt and attacked a U.S. ship in international waters, killing 33 and wounding 177 American sailors?

-Did you know that the second most powerful lobby in the United States, according to a recent Fortune magazine survey of Washington insiders, is the Jewish AIPAC?

-Did you know that Israel stands in defiance of 69 United Nations Security Council Resolutions?

-Did you know that the land Jews call Israel today was the site of more than 400 [now-vanished] Palestinian villages, and that the Israeli's re- named almost every physical site in the country to cover up the traces?

-Did you know that it was not until 1988 that Israelis were barred from running "Jews Only" job ads?

-Did you know that four prime ministers of Israel, Begin, Shamir, Rabin, and Sharon have taken part in either bomb attacks on civilians, massacres of civilians, or forced expulsions of civilians from their villages?

-Did you know that the Israeli Foreign Ministry pays two American public relations firms to promote Israel to Americans?

-Did you know that Sharon's coalition government includes a party -- Molodet -- which advocates expelling all Palestinians from the occupied territories?

-Did you know Sharon was held responsible for the massacre of more than 2, 750 Palestinians in the refugee camps of Sabra and Chatila. The UN qualified the massacre by Sharon as GENOCIDE.

-Did you know Sharon's commando unit in 1953 razed the Palestinian village of Qibya killing all its citizens and bombed all the houses, mosque and schools.

-Did you know that Israel's settlement-building on Palestinian Land increased in the eight years since Oslo?

-Did you know that settlement building of Jewish only homes under Barak doubled compared to settlement building under Netanyahu?

-Did you know that Israel once dedicated a postage stamp to a man who attacked a Palestinian civilian bus and killed several people?

-Did you know that recently-declassified documents indicate that David Ben-Gurion in at least some instances approved of the expulsion of Palestinians in 1948?

-Did you know that despite a ban on torture by Israel's High Court of Justice, torture has continued by Shin Bet interrogators on Palestinian prisoners?

-Did you know that Palestinian refugees make up the largest portion of the refugee population in the world?

-Did you know the population of Palestine in 1917, when the Palestine problem was created by Britain in 1917,was more than 90% Palestinian Arabs? There were at that time no more than 56,000 Jews in Palestine?

-Did you know the Palestinians rejected UN Partition Plan because, the General Assembly of the United Nations recommended that a "Jewish State" be established in Palestine. They proposed the Jews should have about 54% of the total area of the country while they only owned 6% of the land.

gratitude Journal/What have you done today...#6

-to havea chance to fly on J class TG. and to meet that hotshot powerwoman from that company...had a great conversation about TG vs SQ and realizing how TG sucks
-to come out alive after the plane got a hydraulic leak
-to be able to make it to SH, and having a nice suite
-to realize I really am something when it comes to projects, and that I didn't work for this long to take crap
-to get the stuff from Jim.

The Anatomy of An Affair

two cast members from grey's anatomy came on oprah.

and the lead actress said that there was one scene she had to do that she hated.

in it, she was making a case to her married lover.

"Meredith Grey: Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."

the actress hated that because she said she would never plead for a man's attention. revealing that she had been in a similar position, she said she would express her love, but would then see if he would step up.

for those who don't know, the entire show started with the beginnings of an affair. one that meredith grey had no intention or concept of being the other woman.

it's an old story, where a marriage / long term relationship is on the rocks. the man goes out to satisfy his emotional/sexual needs before he clears up the mess at home. and then creates a new mess with new lives.

the accountability factor is shared, by the troubled couple as well as anyone else who comes into that contract.

but that is where the black and white ends.

because relationships are complex. and while hindsight is 20/20 and external perceptions are more objective, those in the contract usually find it hard to see the light. i use the term 'contract' for specific reasons, but primarily because any relationship is a type of agreement between the concerned parties, that for one reason or another, have chosen to be in that situation.

watching 'grey's anatomy' it is easy to point fingers, to yell out 'dump him!', and to see it for its objective truths. and the truths include facts. such as the fact that men usually never leave their long terms partners or spouses for their lovers, and if they do 90 % of those new relationships don't work out because of trust issues.

cut to another oprah episode.

'women's worst nightmare'...where their husbands cheat on them with their best friends.

the same old stories about betrayal, the hurt, the remorse, with men crying and pleading for forgiveness.

but what was missing was the other point of view. which came swiftly from a woman who wanted to use the show as a cathartic experience. to exorcise what had happened. she was the other woman.

through her account, a few things rang clear. and parallels were drawn between her experience in real life and that of meredith grey's in reel life. the most glaring of all was that she never planned on it, and that she believed her love was bigger than the circumstances and that love would prevail.

while there may be those who plan to be 'home wreckers', there are just as many who never thought they could be in a relationship with someone unavailable. those who count themselves as intelligent, worldly, and even spiritual would say they could never see themselves in such a hopeless situation. which makes it even harder to swallow when they do.

human relationships are not drawn up on paper. they are borne out of a process that takes time, and effort. and usually fulfills needs that may not be apparent at first glance.

third parties get their defences chipped away by kind words, affection, the connection that can only come from another person trying to fill a void that should have been covered by their partners.

do people possess steel doors to their emotional self? the argument exists that the emotional bridge is the most dangerous to build and cross, even though it is the most gratifying in the right circumstances. sex is just sex until the emotional connection is made.

i submit to you that affairs do not begin at the point of sexual contact, but rather when emotions and feelings are shared and exchanged.

so how is anyone able to judge 'the other woman'? who was the initiator? does it even matter? but can a person's feelings be faulted?

again:

"Meredith Grey: Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."

this particular quote holds its own truths. that love can be all consuming and self sacrificing. that a believe in that love can lead people to plead for reciprocation. that such a love is the most idealistic possible, for it exists in conflicted territory and the most impossible of situations.

not all third parties are sluts, evil, cruel, home wreckers, husband stealing, damned in the eyes of God creatures. no one wishes unhappiness upon another person. and most 'other women' would argue that they are not the cause of the initial unhappiness in the home to begin with.

still, a love that needs pleading to be reciprocated is not love, for it is unshared. perhaps what can be finally said is that a man who seeks attention and affection outside of his home, troubled or not, is a man incapable of truly sharing his love and affections completely, for he is always seeking to divide himself, in the hope that he becomes complete from the sum of the parts he puts out.

but again, hindsight is 20/20.