Mixed HiStory

Many people have come forward and asked me to write a book, or an article, or produce a documentary, or a film. I've thought long and hard about it, and unfortunately it is not the sort of long and hard that I like.

Truth is when I look at my history, I realize I am like a magnet for men who are either trying to find themselves, or think they have found themselves, or want to experiment, or who just never thought they would but wanted to say they tried it at least once. It flattering I guess in one way, tragic for me in another. I really don't know what they see in me. Do I feel like their female partners, except that I have the right organ that they are truly attracted to? I don't know. But certainly it has opened my eyes to different lives and lifestyles.

Nothing happens without a reason. And everything leads you to the next level. And if I am to be honest with myself, I feel like I need to exorcise myself of a world I never thought or wanted to be a part of. But the more I investigate, the more it stabs into the core of my soul. The human stories reveal webs of deception and pain, exhiliration and sorrow. Everyone has a point of view, everyone believes they are right.

I have asked a friend in NY, a writer who has worked on network projects whether he would collaborate with me. I don't suspect he would go into it seeing that he worked with Fran Drescher's husband, who was apparently gay when he married her. They stayed married until recently. I doubt he would work on this as it would appear too much like taking the mickey out of one of your ex-co workers. Not a good career move. We shall see.

Still, I wanted to understand the man's point of view first. And what his real options were. There was a lot of information. Then I came across this article which gave me an AHA moment. This is my starting point.

I am putting it in my blog so that I won't lose it if I need a reference, and someone to interview. I know if this story gets revealed in whichever medium in Asia, there won't be too many happy people because this is an invisible phenomenon. Then again, as my research as revealed, even Oprah has been accused of getting the facts surrounding this issue wrong. Maybe she just needs the right producer to do the story. :-).

Anyway, here goes.

(oh PS, I love the picture, don't you? The man and woman are tied together, but his dick is limp! Says it all!)

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Sex with Dr Thomas Stuttaford and Suzi Godson

Just how gay am I?

I’m 49 and I’ve been married for 23 years but I’ve recently begun having liaisons with other men. I had some homosexual feelings before I got married but they have increased recently as my desire for my wife has decreased. However, I’m still unsure about the extent of my “gayness”. What should I do?

Dr Thomas Stuttaford is The Times doctor. He says:

Dr Eric Dunlop, my former boss and mentor, was a senior consultant at the Royal London Hospital. He also advised the Government on sex.

Dr Dunlop had the outward appearance of an obsessional, old-school Harley Street doctor, or even of a scientist; in fact, he was the first doctor to realise the full significance of chlamydia.

Despite his rigid appearance he was fascinated by human sexual behaviour and very understanding when dealing with the emotional and domestic problems it could generate. One topic he frequently discussed was the very problem you have written about. Although peoples’ sexual interests and enthusiasms may appear to change as they get older, what is really changing is their ability to give physical expression to their sexual fantasies and desires, once their potency begins to wane.

It is a mistake to suppose that all homosexuals have the same pattern of sexual behaviour, or an identical psychological make-up. There are, for example, a few homosexual men who fear and even dislike all women and they are especially repulsed by the thought, or sight, of female genitalia. This may lead them to become misogynists. The great majority of men with predominantly homosexual interests also have some heterosexual urges. When they are young, testosterone-rich and physiologically at their peak, there is no need for them to be with a man in order to have an erection and an orgasm. A woman would be pleasing, if not equally pleasing, especially if they were aesthetically beautiful and there was good psychological rapport. One of the ways in which homosexuals were formerly categorised was by the extent to which they were “obligatory ” or “facultative”.

Obligatory homosexuals had sex only with men, even if their lives were filled with seductive, alluring women. Facultative homosexual men were those who would prefer, but perhaps only just, sex with a woman but, if none was available, would make do with a man. As Dr Dunlop used to say: “Given the circumstances, they would accept any port in a storm.”

Dr Dunlop’s analysis fits your own situation. When you were 26 you were probably not quite as testosterone-rich as you had been ten years earlier but you were still virile and libidinous. You apparently had homosexual feelings before you married. It may be that your family, colleagues and friends expected you to be heterosexual and you acquiesced. Even so, you wanted to marry and presumably enjoyed a fulfilling sex life. You are probably one of the bisexuals who is in the centre of the sexual spectrum, predominantly homosexual, but only just.

Your youthful sexual vigour allows Dr Dunlop’s “any port in the storm” theory to operate. His premise also supposes that once a man’s potency begins to fail his orientation tends to revert to whatever was his principle sexual interest when young. He suggested that many older bisexual men would increasingly often find it difficult to achieve an erection with a woman. As their sexual desires dwindled so often did other rewarding aspects of a heterosexual relationship that once had a strong sexual component.

What is the extent of your gayness? It’s impossible to say without knowing you. I’d hazard a guess that you are bisexual but predominantly homosexual. Now that you are older, and your sexual drive is ebbing, the physiological reflexes that control your sexual response need more stimulation to achieve an erection.

Your principle objectives, if you have children, should be discretion and consideration for what is best for your wife and children.Think hard before taking drastic action. Before talking to your wife, sound out her opinions on similar mythical cases. Some women are tolerant of homosexual unfaithfulness. Others are repelled.

Suzi Godson is a sex writer and columnist. She says:

Use a condom and tell your wife. The Thatcher Government’s iceberg advertisement campaign in 1987, to highlight the growing problem of HIV/Aids, may be a dim and distant memory, but HIV is still a chilling reality for the gay community — so be smart and play safe.

Mind you, navigating your way through sexual health is likely to be a walk in the park compared with the titanic drama you face when breaking the news to your wife.

And break the news you must. Though the prospect of “coming out” to her must be as appealing as slicing off your own testicles, without doubt she will have interpreted your decreasing desire for her as some form of personal rejection already.

If you don’t tell her what is really going on, you continue to support the fiction that she is responsible for the decline in your sex life and this does her a double disservice because the truth is a whole lot more complicated than that.

You say that you are unsure about the extent of your “gayness”, but you’ve already had sex with other men. That makes you gay enough, I assure you. When a married man has a heterosexual affair he chooses to have sex with another woman despite that fact that his wife could, theoretically, be enough for him.

His decision to cheat is a behavioural choice. When a married man has a homosexual affair he does so because his wife can never be enough for him. His decision to cheat is driven by orientation, not behaviour, and there is little that his wife can do about it. Like many others, you have tried to suppress this aspect of yourself, but you can not change who and what you are.

You can, however, change your behaviour so that you minimise the deceit and the hurt that you inflict on your wife. Choose to be honest, and once you have told her the truth try not to take advantage of her understanding by flaunting your liaisons. Respect her feelings and try to behave in a civilised way while you both work out what to do.

Eight years ago, a friend of mine, aged 57, found out that her husband of 24 years was gay. He didn’t want a divorce and they continued living together, albeit in an open marriage, until their children were at university. But as she says, “once the genie was out of the bottle” things were never the same and her husband eventually fell in love with another man and finally moved out. Like this woman and her husband, a small percentage of couples in your situation will opt to portray a unified façade to the world while privately tolerating their altered circumstances.

But most couples eventually split because once a man decides that he is gay it becomes increasingly difficult for him to compromise the chemistry and exhilaration he gets from his homosexual relationships for an essentially celibate existence with a partner he loves but cannot have sex with.

No matter how well you handle this situation you can expect it to be messy and painful, but there are several support groups that you can contact. Gay Married Men runs a helpline and website (07961 249389; www.gaymarriedmen.co.uk), as does the London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard (0207-837 7324; www.queery.org.uk).

There is less support for women, but the Straight Spouse Network UK runs a help line (number available on www.ssnetwk.org, or e-mail ssnetwork@softhome.net) and Yahoo! has a members-only chatroom at(www.groups.yahoo.com/group/Wives ofBiGayHusbands) where women who have been through the same predicament offer each other support.