One thing is certain, I am another year older. Am I another year wiser?
My first visit to New York I believe, was in 2000. Someone who had offered his place to crash in bailed on me somewhat at the last minute because of a date with a (then) trick. That event became infamously known as 'the night I was dumped into the rain in Times Square' and the guy 'Mr Times Square'. How Sex and the City can you get, when you start naming your bad experiences. I can be so Carrie sometimes.
The shock and the self pity stayed for a long time, as I could not imagine why anyone would be that cruel.
Eventually, we got ourselves sorted, and resumed a friendship. That friend later told me if the table was reversed, he would have never been in that situation. But if he was, he would have just gotten a hotel room. I was flabbergasted at how blase he could be. Of course he could afford New York. He was this wannabe politician type who had gotten a lot of press and was obviously earning more than enough from taxpayers money to blow over USD 200 on lunch. My response then was the fact that to me New York was beyond expensive when it came to hotels, and that I could not have afforded it. And the opportunity cost of staying in a hotel versus shopping at Century 21; OY. Ok bad joke.
At the time I was totally appalled that he didn't even see how miserable he made me. How he took my faith in people and stomped all over it. How he put me in a compromising situation.
Then in the summer of 2005, I got it.
It was not him. It was me. I put myself in that situation. Was he a miserable ass for bailing on me for a trick? Yes. Was he responsible for my misery? No. Truth is, all the other stuff about not being able to afford the hotels, while true in the sense that my bank account would have zipped to double digits very quickly, were well, excuses. I had no business being in New York if I could not figure out a way to sustain myself in that city on my own. Having supportive friends is an appreciated luxury. But like all luxuries, it is not an entitlement but a privilege. And you can't demand it. Such kindness is borrowed, and you must be humbled at being allowed to receive it.
I finally saw what he was getting at. He would have never been in that situation because he would have not depended on anyone for something as crucial as a roof over his head. And if the first trigger was not going to happen, any future drama would have subsequently been avoided. Again, could he have been kinder and maybe clued me in earlier? Sure. Should I have depended on him completely? No.
The world is full of unfair events and cruel people even if you want to believe in the best in humanity. It is just plain naive to believe that people would always have your interests and safety at heart. People are just not built to be infallible. And yet, you can still try to avoid experiencing that side of human beings just by making choices that honor and protect you.
I guess I've always felt that if you are good to people, they would be equally good to you. Now I am starting to think, you should be good to people, and be better to yourself.
I was watching a repeat episode of Oprah, which had cancer survivor Melissa Etheridge (I've included the song she sang on the show which made people cry) and a few other inspirational people as guests. What was amazing to me was that Oprah openly talked about Melissa's female partner like it was nothing special. What was special was her determination to survive her ailment and her drive to inspire others. Commonality. Through hardship.
Then a young man named Kyle Maynard came on. Walking on stage without arms or legs, he was simply a personification of shame for those who live believing in the impossibilities and who were held back by the voices that say 'No' and 'Can't'. He wrote a book called No Excuses.
His message was short, succinct. He didn't see his life as a never-ending chain of battles. He just saw what he needed to do, and the stuff in between was just a means to an end.
I thought to myself, I had to get the book. I was already inspired in a way that his words spoke directly to my heart. And I wanted something concrete to keep in my home to hopefully keep the message alive. I had a 30% discount coupon with Borders, so the timing could not be more perfect.
I made my way down to the bookstore. I picked up the book. Read a few pages. A few words kept being repeated: wrestling, coach, football. Hmm. Certainly a differently lifestyle from mine. And then the clincher: He was proud of the armed forces for bringing light to the Middle East, to people who were desperate for hope. Er. Yeah. Check out the opinion polls on the ground buddy.
Ok so his political slant was a little screwy and he sounded like a Republican. Nevertheless his message was still real.
But I realized that I didn't need to buy a book to get his message or to keep it alive. I didn't need to hear of his life story and how he got to his message to get it. My life story and how I shape it and get to the same message was more important. I decided to treat myself better.
I dropped the book and bought Jamie Oliver's cookbook instead. I figured at least with that book, I can learn recipes to help make me a more self aware cook!
At the end of my XXth year of life, and moving to my XXth year of life, I am more and more feeling something firming up inside. A self awareness that has eluded me for a long time. I know Life is an unending journey but there is comfort to know that within that, you can find some security.
Security to me is being able to depend on myself. To find self sufficiency in every form. With no need to account for how I live to anyone else. With having No Excuses.
I used to cry when I felt that people have forgotten my birthday, or not prioritize it the way I felt about it: that it should be a day to rejoice and give thanks. The way I try to do for them. I love birthdays and love the ceremonies attached to them. But in the past, I felt disappointment when friends and family postponed celebrations to suit their schedules, or some even forgetting outright, even though I would plan stuff for theirs. My family doesn't think birthdays are a big deal and I suppose I am supposed to be like that. I can't. I am sentimental...sue me.
But now I see that if my birthday does not get celebrated the way I hoped with people, I can't use others as excuses. And with no excuses, there is no more external blame. Everyone has different lives and priorities. And I should be able to make my own birthday my day to remain happy, celebrate and give thanks for another year of life. And I should be able to enjoy the day without expecting it to be 'perfect' and to accept it as it is, rather than as how it should have been. More and more I realize I do enjoy my own company. I am happy that I have been blessed enough to be able to afford a few luxuries. I am not rich but I can certainly treat myself better and to a few nice things. When you realize you can get yourself gifts, anything you do get from others is just a sign of their love and goodwill for the material value is superseded by the one that cannot be measured. And that, as the Mastercard ad says, is priceless.
Anyway, it is my birthday today, and anything from anyone is just a bonus. It will still be a great day regardless. I will buy myself that nice limited edition M.A.Couture collection gift. And go for that nice spa treatment. And have that nice dinner. Heck even that nice birthday cake from the Pan Pacific hotel bakery if I want it. Does that sound pathetic? For me it isn't.
It is so liberating to know YOU can and should make YOU happy. No Excuses. No Blame. Now that's a reason to celebrate.
burrrp.
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(Ps: Age does seem to be working for me...a gym trainer got shocked that I have the 'Dick Lee Syndrome' (aka looking 30 when he is 50... and no I am not 50). A Bobbi Brown counter girl told me that her colleagues rushed to her after I left and asked 'who the hot guy was'. An old man waiting for his turn at the post office told the counter girl that I looked like a star and that I was polite to boot. A white A&F model type was so digging me at Borders this evening (think: look at book, look up smile, look at book, look up smile, ignore Eastern European friend standing beside you)...awww...pity I was just looking for a book. Sigh...so nice to able to be still, happy by self, and yet admired...Ok I have to work on the ego haha)
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