Emotional Abuse

I caught an episode of Fear Factor tonight. It had couples for contestants. Obviously all of them were gorgeous Kens and Barbies. Tonight they had an American Asian guy with his girlfriend. He seemed very attractive, muscular etc. But he was not very Asian. When the heat was on, and his girlfriend was crying over something he did (and since the camera never lies, yes he did something wrong), he turned to her and shouted "Shut the F@#K up!".

She kept on crying. And stopped the verbal retaliation just because his louder voice muted her. And even as she sobbed quietly, he kept yelling at her "Chill Out! Just chill out!". And she was not saying a word.

He did this in front of the host, the crew, the other contestants. One of the couples later said that that was not the way someone who loves another would talk. One of the women said if her husband talked to her like that they would not go home together.

People don't see the emotional toll language bears. Recently I was just made aware that to say someone is a Jew can be taken as a racial slur, a negative. Like the word, which in the dictionary would mean a race, has historical bearings and can mean many terrible implications.

So I learned I should not say someone is a Jew but that someone is Jewish. You learn and move on, because you need to be aware how small words can mean so much.

When someone uses profanity against another, I suppose it is about intention. And yet there are many ways to achieve that intention.

What I saw later hit home.

He called.

The conversation ended well. But for some reason, inside, I am still quivering.

He said "Shut the F#$K up!" to me. And even though I kept saying for him not to talk to me like that, he went on at it.

I was that sobbing woman in Fear Factor.

It hurts because you keep asking yourself how can someone you love who seems to love you too talk to you like that. Should you just take it that this is his personality and accept it?

I keep asking myself what is my worth and value if someone feels he is allowed to speak that way to me. It is painful and in my head I feel like I just got hit by a 2 x 4.

In my mind I am just some doormat that others can walk on over and over again.

He doesn't comprehend what saying that means to me. He doesn't know the damage it is causing. He said this is who he is. It is almost like an ultimatum. If I don't accept it I can just leave. And he would not care.

Is that not abusive? What sort of man can feel vindicated by battering someone down with words? And even if this is his true self, why can't this be stopped out of respect and love for someone else?

A part of me feels like it is dying. I try to be the trouper and laugh things off, but my insides are crumbling. I don't want to tell him because I don't want to trigger a fight. But if I keep silent I am guilty for my own pain.

I don't know what to do. I look at that woman in the show and I am certain this was not the first incident. She just didn't fight back. It looked like she gave up fighting.

It was a challenge of wills. And power. Such words are fighting words, words to gain control and power.

She lost.

I wonder if I am too.