The Music

Christmas 2006: Seasons Of Love

Sigh, I am so into Jesse Martin that he is in my Xmas 2006 Ecard. How sad am I? Maybe by some miracle he will find my blog and write to me...haha. Yeah, right.

Jesse.

I'm sure everyone must already know who this guy is. I am sure he is famous yada yada and I am way behind.

I'd seen him before. But it never sank in. Even on Ally Mcbeal, I thought ok, he is different. Then I watched him in the movies in 2005 in Noo Yawk.

The movie was Rent.

And like the time when I watched the stage version in 2000, I sat there alone and crying. By 2005, the concept of HIV and AIDs had hit home. I left the theater feeling, as I did at the Nedelander Theater in 41st St, like I was hit with something. But this time it resonated more.

Anyhow, this guy was part of the ensemble and I was watching the movie as an ensemble performance. So again it didn't sink in.

Then I watched him again on DVD. Oboy. I started noticing details in performances. Voice quality, star potential etc.

I believe he may be headed towards something great. If he gets the Marvin Gaye movie he is hoping to do in 2007, it will be a breakthrough film for him. No doubt. Like Ray for that irritating ugly oversexed other man who thinks he is a singer. It will complete the trilogy of movies on Black icons: Ray, Dreamgirls and now Sexual Healing.

This guy's talent is overflowing. His voice is amazing. He is one African American that I will say, Yes, very good looking and transcends racial boundaries. And he has such fantastic complexion! Hurray for men who aren't afraid of skin care!

And as usual, when I get curious, I research and snoop. He has a rep for being fan friendly (but sincerely unlike Tom Cruise), and generally a soft soul who is yearning love above all else. At 37 he hasn't felt it. Which oddly enough was part of the character notes he got during the '94 workshop for Rent. But then again, in Rent, his character ended up falling in love with a HIV stricken transvestite street drummer with a heart of gold. I'm not sure that his character was written to be totally gay. But love can happen anywhere, anytime with anyone eh?

In an interview about the movie, he was asked whether some people, esp in the Bible Belt were ready for a movie that shows two men holding hands (actually they did more than that). His response began very PC, then he said he cannot fathom anyone who would see that as unusual. Interesting perspective.

If you can get your hands on the Rent DVD get it. Watch it. ELApt3L, JRV, I will bring it back with me. So you can watch that.

I wanted to meet at least one of the cast members of Sex and the City and I finally did. I wonder if this too will happen... After all, he lives in New York, and works on Law and Order...so, anything is possible right? It is New York....

His name: Jesse L Martin. Remember it.

How I Want To Be Remembered...

My XXth Bday Afterthoughts

We live our lives with complications. Situations. Circumstances. Compelled to entertain many thoughts to juggle what we think we need to make this life work.

I was told that in yoga, a person's true goal is to have singular thoughts. To be self aware, even of the basic act of breathing. I suppose part of the call to action is to edit one's life. To bring it down to basics and to communicate in abbreviations.

Small words, short sentences, simple messages.

I started out writing another long chapter. Instead, I share the conclusions.

It was a great day today. Spent with very important people, in a most meaningful way.
I was blessed by the goodwill that started coming in right after midnight.
Our shared paths may not have been perfect. That does not erase the gratitude. Nor the fact that, perhaps consciously or unconsciously you have helped shape me.

Working on a better XXth year of life.

Live Fierce.

My first Just a Thought of my XXth Year of Life: What I Know For Sure

One thing is certain, I am another year older. Am I another year wiser?

My first visit to New York I believe, was in 2000. Someone who had offered his place to crash in bailed on me somewhat at the last minute because of a date with a (then) trick. That event became infamously known as 'the night I was dumped into the rain in Times Square' and the guy 'Mr Times Square'. How Sex and the City can you get, when you start naming your bad experiences. I can be so Carrie sometimes.

The shock and the self pity stayed for a long time, as I could not imagine why anyone would be that cruel.

Eventually, we got ourselves sorted, and resumed a friendship. That friend later told me if the table was reversed, he would have never been in that situation. But if he was, he would have just gotten a hotel room. I was flabbergasted at how blase he could be. Of course he could afford New York. He was this wannabe politician type who had gotten a lot of press and was obviously earning more than enough from taxpayers money to blow over USD 200 on lunch. My response then was the fact that to me New York was beyond expensive when it came to hotels, and that I could not have afforded it. And the opportunity cost of staying in a hotel versus shopping at Century 21; OY. Ok bad joke.

At the time I was totally appalled that he didn't even see how miserable he made me. How he took my faith in people and stomped all over it. How he put me in a compromising situation.

Then in the summer of 2005, I got it.

It was not him. It was me. I put myself in that situation. Was he a miserable ass for bailing on me for a trick? Yes. Was he responsible for my misery? No. Truth is, all the other stuff about not being able to afford the hotels, while true in the sense that my bank account would have zipped to double digits very quickly, were well, excuses. I had no business being in New York if I could not figure out a way to sustain myself in that city on my own. Having supportive friends is an appreciated luxury. But like all luxuries, it is not an entitlement but a privilege. And you can't demand it. Such kindness is borrowed, and you must be humbled at being allowed to receive it.

I finally saw what he was getting at. He would have never been in that situation because he would have not depended on anyone for something as crucial as a roof over his head. And if the first trigger was not going to happen, any future drama would have subsequently been avoided. Again, could he have been kinder and maybe clued me in earlier? Sure. Should I have depended on him completely? No.

The world is full of unfair events and cruel people even if you want to believe in the best in humanity. It is just plain naive to believe that people would always have your interests and safety at heart. People are just not built to be infallible. And yet, you can still try to avoid experiencing that side of human beings just by making choices that honor and protect you.

I guess I've always felt that if you are good to people, they would be equally good to you. Now I am starting to think, you should be good to people, and be better to yourself.

I was watching a repeat episode of Oprah, which had cancer survivor Melissa Etheridge (I've included the song she sang on the show which made people cry) and a few other inspirational people as guests. What was amazing to me was that Oprah openly talked about Melissa's female partner like it was nothing special. What was special was her determination to survive her ailment and her drive to inspire others. Commonality. Through hardship.

Then a young man named Kyle Maynard came on. Walking on stage without arms or legs, he was simply a personification of shame for those who live believing in the impossibilities and who were held back by the voices that say 'No' and 'Can't'. He wrote a book called No Excuses.

His message was short, succinct. He didn't see his life as a never-ending chain of battles. He just saw what he needed to do, and the stuff in between was just a means to an end.

I thought to myself, I had to get the book. I was already inspired in a way that his words spoke directly to my heart. And I wanted something concrete to keep in my home to hopefully keep the message alive. I had a 30% discount coupon with Borders, so the timing could not be more perfect.

I made my way down to the bookstore. I picked up the book. Read a few pages. A few words kept being repeated: wrestling, coach, football. Hmm. Certainly a differently lifestyle from mine. And then the clincher: He was proud of the armed forces for bringing light to the Middle East, to people who were desperate for hope. Er. Yeah. Check out the opinion polls on the ground buddy.

Ok so his political slant was a little screwy and he sounded like a Republican. Nevertheless his message was still real.

But I realized that I didn't need to buy a book to get his message or to keep it alive. I didn't need to hear of his life story and how he got to his message to get it. My life story and how I shape it and get to the same message was more important. I decided to treat myself better.

I dropped the book and bought Jamie Oliver's cookbook instead. I figured at least with that book, I can learn recipes to help make me a more self aware cook!

At the end of my XXth year of life, and moving to my XXth year of life, I am more and more feeling something firming up inside. A self awareness that has eluded me for a long time. I know Life is an unending journey but there is comfort to know that within that, you can find some security.

Security to me is being able to depend on myself. To find self sufficiency in every form. With no need to account for how I live to anyone else. With having No Excuses.

I used to cry when I felt that people have forgotten my birthday, or not prioritize it the way I felt about it: that it should be a day to rejoice and give thanks. The way I try to do for them. I love birthdays and love the ceremonies attached to them. But in the past, I felt disappointment when friends and family postponed celebrations to suit their schedules, or some even forgetting outright, even though I would plan stuff for theirs. My family doesn't think birthdays are a big deal and I suppose I am supposed to be like that. I can't. I am sentimental...sue me.

But now I see that if my birthday does not get celebrated the way I hoped with people, I can't use others as excuses. And with no excuses, there is no more external blame. Everyone has different lives and priorities. And I should be able to make my own birthday my day to remain happy, celebrate and give thanks for another year of life. And I should be able to enjoy the day without expecting it to be 'perfect' and to accept it as it is, rather than as how it should have been. More and more I realize I do enjoy my own company. I am happy that I have been blessed enough to be able to afford a few luxuries. I am not rich but I can certainly treat myself better and to a few nice things. When you realize you can get yourself gifts, anything you do get from others is just a sign of their love and goodwill for the material value is superseded by the one that cannot be measured. And that, as the Mastercard ad says, is priceless.

Anyway, it is my birthday today, and anything from anyone is just a bonus. It will still be a great day regardless. I will buy myself that nice limited edition M.A.Couture collection gift. And go for that nice spa treatment. And have that nice dinner. Heck even that nice birthday cake from the Pan Pacific hotel bakery if I want it. Does that sound pathetic? For me it isn't.

It is so liberating to know YOU can and should make YOU happy. No Excuses. No Blame. Now that's a reason to celebrate.

burrrp.
______________________________

(Ps: Age does seem to be working for me...a gym trainer got shocked that I have the 'Dick Lee Syndrome' (aka looking 30 when he is 50... and no I am not 50). A Bobbi Brown counter girl told me that her colleagues rushed to her after I left and asked 'who the hot guy was'. An old man waiting for his turn at the post office told the counter girl that I looked like a star and that I was polite to boot. A white A&F model type was so digging me at Borders this evening (think: look at book, look up smile, look at book, look up smile, ignore Eastern European friend standing beside you)...awww...pity I was just looking for a book. Sigh...so nice to able to be still, happy by self, and yet admired...Ok I have to work on the ego haha)

The Things I Do

I seem to have the luxury of time on my hands these days. Not because I don't have a life or anything to do. My time is no longer responsive to other people's schedules. Which again is a luxury.

It is something I understand to be precious. I don't take it lightly. Having this time however gives me the opportunity to assess and examine my life and directions.

I always wonder if I have used my life wisely. Are there things to be proud of? Achievements...goals met etc. Being a person who keeps looking forward after accomplishing something, it is hard for me to sit back and bask in the glow of that.

For example, it took my friend in London to show me what I had done in Korea. He was absolutely beaming, and in a very uncharacteristically emotional act, he expressed how proud he was of me.

He was talking about the book that got printed. I had always seen it as something that should have been executed better. But clients always want it their way. It didn't turn out bad, but it didn't turn out how I wanted it. But my friend showed me how to appreciate the fact that something I had planned, came to fruition.

I guess not all of us are lucky that way all the time. Even as I had things I could chalk up to experience or portfolio, other things were disasters.

Between the midyears of 2005 and 2006, I allowed myself to become something I could not bear to see the reflection of. And if there is a light at the end of that, it is the acknowledgment of my accountability and remorse.

Life can throw curve balls at you, and present situations that can lead you down paths you never thought you could tread. I used to think that walking down those roads meant that you are just giving in to your weaknesses. I am starting to see taking those routes may be simply an opportunity to learn more about yourself, and to learn the concept of forgiveness. It is also a chance to get back on course stronger than ever before.

I have loved the projects I have done so far. There is so much to learn, and yet also so much of what I already know to reaffirm. Someone once told me that I was more creative that he was, because I can apply myself to many industries. Probably true that I can do that. But the past two years have reaffirmed my love for all things beautiful, the immediacy of television and the power of the media. And most certainly my place in it.

I remember what my TV trainer called me: a trailblazer. I saw the pride in the eyes of my bosses, even as we managed a love hate relationship. I hate authority that controls my creativity, they love my creativity. Seeking a higher purpose means to look for projects that would make them proud. I must now seek success so that they can say to themselves, "I wasn't wrong about him."

A Renaissance led by Divinity. That is what I want. And fingers crossed, God willing, 2007 would be the year. I cannot go back to New York on anyone's terms by my own. Much like how I cannot go back to television on anyone else's terms.

I have something to offer. I need to do this. I have a voice and I want to be heard.

I am Shah.

Tod Seisser, Predestined Conclusions, Unfulfilled Dreams

So the haze has hit Singapore. And everyone is just sick. Thanks Indonesia. Crap country.

I have not written in a while. Not here at least. Watching the news daily has made my writings negative according to friends. They say that it has been a while since they have heard anything positive. Much of course were about US foreign policy. I realize that it is not something I can control or influence, unlike the Americans people who let their president do as he pleases. It is a waste of emotions and energy over things you can't control. And letting go is the most charitable thing you can do for your sanity. So I have stopped fretting about how stupid the world has become, and take heart in knowing things will have their own predestined conclusions.

I guess the same can be said about Tod and I. The past few months have been about healing, and research. I am a magnet for bisexual, confused, supposedly straight men. So I used it to my advantage. And the last one who came my way, a DC man coming to live here with his wife and family, got the most forgiving brush off I could give him. It was novel that he wanted me to meet his wife and kids. It was not that his wife agreed with me about our views on human sexuality. Like most women, she is hanging in there for her own reasons. But even this would have its predestined conclusions.

Do I need to be part of that? Do I choose so? This time no. It would have been too easy to want to do the humane thing and help someone out. But I realize, hey, in that equation, I am the one that anyone else would not help out.

Like in the case of Tod Seisser. All the so called compassion he had for me at the end was self serving, exactly what I felt would have happend in a worst case scenario, right at the start. For no man who can cheat on a long term partner can and will do right by you.

Still I do think of him fondly sometimes. The other day I asked my ex what I saw in him. I looked at his pictures again, read our communications. And truth be told, he was not my 'ideal' and the communications were toxic. Nevertheless, he had something. He was a character.

For some people I can see their future, be it for work or otherwise. One day I had a dream I was looking at a picture I had of him. He looked liked he was in a coffin. Which is a scary thing. It was like I was transported to the future and I was in the temple to pay my last respects. I remembered feeling sorrow, thinking of what he has done in his life to make him proud. And how the more recent years, his life was filled with drama, conflict and unfulfilled dreams. I am sure he would scoff at this notion, but he is no different from the millions of men in the US who are gay and married. There is always an opportunity cost. A disconnect.

The funny thing though is that I just found out that my blogs on Tod are appearing in google. I never knew that was possible. Anyway it is not something anyone should be alarmed about. Who really cares about Tod Seisser anymore to google him?

It is like the haze in Singapore. It is toxic, it makes one sick. It is something no one needs.