Saturday, November 18, 2006
The Things I Do
I seem to have the luxury of time on my hands these days. Not because I don't have a life or anything to do. My time is no longer responsive to other people's schedules. Which again is a luxury.
It is something I understand to be precious. I don't take it lightly. Having this time however gives me the opportunity to assess and examine my life and directions.
I always wonder if I have used my life wisely. Are there things to be proud of? Achievements...goals met etc. Being a person who keeps looking forward after accomplishing something, it is hard for me to sit back and bask in the glow of that.
For example, it took my friend in London to show me what I had done in Korea. He was absolutely beaming, and in a very uncharacteristically emotional act, he expressed how proud he was of me.
He was talking about the book that got printed. I had always seen it as something that should have been executed better. But clients always want it their way. It didn't turn out bad, but it didn't turn out how I wanted it. But my friend showed me how to appreciate the fact that something I had planned, came to fruition.
I guess not all of us are lucky that way all the time. Even as I had things I could chalk up to experience or portfolio, other things were disasters.
Between the midyears of 2005 and 2006, I allowed myself to become something I could not bear to see the reflection of. And if there is a light at the end of that, it is the acknowledgment of my accountability and remorse.
Life can throw curve balls at you, and present situations that can lead you down paths you never thought you could tread. I used to think that walking down those roads meant that you are just giving in to your weaknesses. I am starting to see taking those routes may be simply an opportunity to learn more about yourself, and to learn the concept of forgiveness. It is also a chance to get back on course stronger than ever before.
I have loved the projects I have done so far. There is so much to learn, and yet also so much of what I already know to reaffirm. Someone once told me that I was more creative that he was, because I can apply myself to many industries. Probably true that I can do that. But the past two years have reaffirmed my love for all things beautiful, the immediacy of television and the power of the media. And most certainly my place in it.
I remember what my TV trainer called me: a trailblazer. I saw the pride in the eyes of my bosses, even as we managed a love hate relationship. I hate authority that controls my creativity, they love my creativity. Seeking a higher purpose means to look for projects that would make them proud. I must now seek success so that they can say to themselves, "I wasn't wrong about him."
A Renaissance led by Divinity. That is what I want. And fingers crossed, God willing, 2007 would be the year. I cannot go back to New York on anyone's terms by my own. Much like how I cannot go back to television on anyone else's terms.
I have something to offer. I need to do this. I have a voice and I want to be heard.
I am Shah.
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