Transcript from “The Fridae Show”, first broadcast 27 October 2005.
Guest: Shah
Host: Glamboy
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So here we are, the first of many projects that will be unleashed to the world from October 28, 2005. Starting with a long form music video with the message of loss. Part of a bigger collection called Naked in Bed that covers all media, the music video is described as raw and real, and shamefully personal. A pre-release music short is about to hit the internet, a curious move insiders say might backfire. In an email interview, Shah gives the low down on the project and the reasons why.
-tell us abt this short music video...
I have always felt that you need to channel negative energies into something positive. A few months ago, I fell in love. and to cut a long story short, fell from grace soon after. I knew even then that I had to record that significant moment in my life.
The video was shot, edited and final rendered on the day that the person I was in love with and I were supposed to separate. I knew that I would always want to remember, regardless of how painful it was. You learn from these experiences, and you grow, and so you should never forget. You do forgive, but never forget.
-but isn't it narcissistic to put yourself there? seems acted...
They were my emotions and they were raw. Nothing was acted. When I looked at a direction, I was thinking of him. When I looked at the camera, I was thinking of him.
-the music seems appropriate?
It is a song by Indonesian divas and the lyrics are very spot on. And when this happened, I listened to it so many times. So many times. It was a song I had asked him to download. Funny, but to this day I don’t think he did…
-is this something he should be remembered for? someone who says he would do something but never does?
No. Far from it. I want to remember him as the unlikely man I fell in love with. And he does keep most of his promises. I fell in love with him partly because of that.
-but it didn't work out? yet you seem to still hold a torch for him. why?
I guess a big part of me inside felt I knew him. And I knew he was scared, uncertain. I felt perhaps he would turn around. Because I believe that love will overcome. I believed in him. More than i have anyone else. I believed also in the potential of what we could be together, really happy and always moving forward for the rest of our lives, not needing to look beyond ourselves for our needs. It would have been more than a New York minute.
-so has any part of that changed in you?
Tell you a story. About six years ago I met someone in New York that I fell so hard for. He ended up dumping me in Times Square on a rainy night, literally told me to get out of his car and called me names. But a year later, we got back together in a way. He said we had a connection that was deeper than deep and he was so attracted to me. And even though he was already seeing someone then, against my better judgment and because I totally lost my heart to him, I continued the relationship. But in the end, when the heat was on, he called me names again, and he said something like he was totally happy in his relationship and that I had no right to ask him for anything and that I should understand not to interfere in his relationship. That was the first time I felt that he was being honest about it all. He put things in perspective, about who he was as a person, and what I had allowed myself to become.
I didn’t want to allow that to happen to me again. I realized this year that I am worth more than that.
-how does this apply to what happened prior to Naked?
He cares for me, and I know he loves me. But I didn't want to regress and be that person I was with Mr Times Square. But at the same time I am weak. For I love him dearly. So it was painful and I honestly couldn't do it, but my friends and my ex literally pulled me out of my environment and dumped me in a place I had no opportunity to focus on it. I started to come back to myself.
-so is it all dead now? impossible to recover even a friendship? certainly Naked seems to be about loss but even in loss one can weave something new....
I can't say it is dead. And yes I do believe that something can evolve from this. A part of me still hopes he would choose me because I think inside, even he knows I can make him happy. But you can't make people see what you already know when they are not ready. People respond easily to fear. And it is natural to want to stick to your comfort zone. I believe we are not meant to be on this earth to patrol another person's movements. People will do what they want to or what their instincts lead them to. and they will always find ways to make that happen. i guess if I want to not lose it all, I need to believe that in time he will respond to his instincts...and who knows, we get a friendship or a better loving relationship...although quite honestly the last I know of, he has washed his hands of me...
-again?
See this is the thing...I may stay away, but I will never be away. I have never been that way with anyone. Maybe it's a fault but others find it easy to work in absolutes. I can't do that.
-do you think his decision was just one made of fear and denial of his true self?
Tell you another story. A man I met in Korea, a self proclaimed ex-bisexual man, told me a story of his friend in Washington, DC who was largely nice but cold and difficult. He was apparently sexually frustrated, even with a wife to play with. Eventually he divorced his wife and has since been out there playing the field. He discovered his sexual nature and the freedom of not being tied down to societal expectations made him, well, nice. Extraordinary things happen when people are true to themselves.
-so you think he would benefit from being more open and responsive about his needs?
Yes.
-do you still love him?
Yes.
-any conditions there?
No. I told him I will always love him. And I do. I know what my well meaning friends have said. I know from an external viewpoint the logic of staying away is right. That being around him is counterproductive to his self awareness. But love is not logical, otherwise we can choose who we fall in love with. He and I happened. He is special. He is valuable. He may not be perfect but he is ideal in my eyes.
-but you bowed to pressure and stayed away…
Again, it was hard. I had friends who literally would boycott me if I got in touch with him. And I am so transparent I wouldn’t be able to lie. I kept tabs my own way. I needed him to know I am still here. I see him online a lot, so I am assuming he has moved on or found someone else. I also suspect he found a new job or some other distraction. I would be so proud and validated to know he found a new job, since I always believed in his talents. But I guess being around him now would be even more of a distraction. Do I want him to call me, yes. Do I want to talk to him, yes.
-there is a but...
Unfortunately. A part of me already knows he is capable of hardening his heart if he wants or needs to be mean. I have felt that before. It crushes me. I fear that he would do it again. No matter how gorgeous I may be in his eyes, or how nice, I am not enough. Although this was never a choice of who was enough. This is about who we are as people.
A friend of mine told me of a Taiwanese friend of his who had an affair with a supposedly bisexual guy for 7 years in New York, and the guy had a girlfriend who even encouraged him to sleep with the Taiwanese in the hope it would get out of his system. So on one hand, you had this girl who thought she was being understanding, this guy who was in love, and this man in between who was juggling. But there was always a sense that following societal lines would win. Eventually, the Taiwanese realized being in that equation meant he would forever be the losing party. Being in it meant the American had the best of both worlds and in that comfort zone never have to face up to his true destiny, being out of it meant not having his love.
-so what happened?
The Taiwanese guy left the American. And true to his fears, the American guy let it happen. He had nothing to lose either way, for the guy had someone regardless. The girlfriend meanwhile was delusional to think that he would change and that this ‘conclusion’ was the end of it. He was searching for other men soon after. This guy is the typical bisexual asshole that most gay people have come to recognize and try to avoid like the plague.
-so what's the deal then. are you avoiding him like the plague? are you giving him up?
No. He is like a part of my heart. I know he probably wants me out of his life by now or be in it under some strict conditions. Like I will talk to you but it's only if I have time after I go to the movies with my girlfriend. Still, he should know I am true to my word. I told him I love him and cannot just disappear. And I told him I knew we would have been happy together. But I need to be happy with me first.
-but you are not around...
I had to cope. I am still trying to see if I can control my heart and see him as a friend. I don’t know what would be worse, to be able to control my heart or to have him want me as a friend. Or not even. But nothing is absolute.
-any regrets?
Of meeting him? No. Of how it turned out? I'm not sure although it seemed almost like the logical conclusion took control. I did feel bad that it almost seemed like our time together afterwards was secondary to his real time activities. Which made me unreal, like a cyber friend. Then i remembered how it felt when my first ex and Mr Times Square did that to me. I became real only if I was in the US. There was no real commitment. I really did not want to feel like something that works around another schedule. I believe it is all about the will. And if he was willing it will happen. And maybe to some degree it did. I don't know how he feels now. And there is little way to find out.
-you are busy with your stuff too, traveling and such.
Yes I have been blessed, and have met some really nice people.
-any plans to go back to New York?
I was supposed to go back this week to be honest. Well actually to LA but I was going to pop over for Halloween. And I was going to surprise him. But then again that could have backfired terribly! He may actually say, I am happy in my relationship etc etc etc and then it's Mr Times Square all over again....
-did you ever wish you could travel with this guy?
Oh yeah. In fact we talked a lot about that initially. But I wanted to offer him a lot more, a totally new beginning with a lot of possibilities. Creative sparring partner, travel companion, lover, friend, pet sitter, a family who would love him. I wanted to cook for him and had learned some recipes. I wanted to learn about his culture as much as I wanted him to learn mine. I sometimes still fantasize that he would get on a plane and surprise me by being in Singapore. Or call me and say he loves me a lot and to come back. Or that he somehow manages to track me down no matter what I did. It’s a nice dream.
-you have not let go...you’ve dedicated this music video to him…
I guess not. I think he is the last I am willing to share my heart with, because I was so sure this was it. I love him with all my heart. Warts and all. I didn't want perfection from him. But feeling this makes me wonder if we can at least be friends. I don’t know…I hope we can have something still. I wish I had the answer.
-meanwhile the video is making it’s rounds. perhaps he will see it and feel compelled to open the doors…
Perhaps.
-what is the one big thing you have learned from this experience and doing this project?
At the end of the video, I put it some words from my so called suicide note. The one big thing is that my life is too valuable to be given up for anything or anyone, and it's really in God's hands when I am to go. Meanwhile, whatever He throws my way, I am probably strong enough to handle it, and it takes an event to show for me, or anyone for that matter to realize it. I am here, and I will God willing see New York again, and be back in Greece again. The future is open now and who knows what tomorrow brings....
-thank you for your time...
Thank you.
